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James · #26

OMG THERE ARE 3 THIS TIME!

Newbie #5: General Genitals

This person refuses to look past General Blabber, to see if there is a board specifically for the stupid shit he's about to post. He feels that since General Blabber is for random topics, ANYTHING can be posted here. Then when this newbie is corrected (either kindly or by brutal suggestions of being mauled by mountain goats), he immediately defends his lack of attention span by saying that General Blabber is for anything they want to post.

Usually, a person will only do this once, unless they are an idiot (hint: THEY ARE). So doing this is basically like that time on The Simpsons, where Bart was in the tiger cage, and he opens the door, and tigers are there, and he immediately closes it again. Live and learn, Bart.

If you are a General Genitals, you need to understand the following: GENERAL BLABBER IS NOT FOR EVERY TOPIC. IF IT WAS, WE WOULDN'T HAVE THE OTHER 18 FUCKING BOARDS ON HERE. GB is really just for things that don't have boards specified for them. So for the love of all that is holy, take the extra 10 fucking seconds to at least NOTICE there are other boards, and maybe one of them is more appropriate for you to put you literary brain diarrhea.

Newbie #6: ANNOUNCO

This person feels the need to make a post of two about how they are new, as if the facts that their post count isn't even in double digits yet and that we have never fucking seen them before wasn't a dead giveaway. This person could also be considered an attention whore, sado-masochist, or television evangelist.

Hopefully, this will be only one of few stupid things that this person will do, and they will quickly adapt. But let's face it; if you are compelled to make a thread saying "HI IM NEW LOLOL," there's about as much hope for you as there is of Michael Jackson ever admitting he's as nutty as a very nut-abundant thing, that probably has something to do with small woodland creatures.

If you are this type of newbie, you're fucked. The damage as already been done (unless you're stupid enough to make ANOTHER post like this). The best you can do is spend the rest of your days here making up for this one action. Or maybe just register a new name and start over, NOT making your announcement this time around. Retard.

Newbie #7: Clueless Clark

I hate this guy. A LOT. This is the guy that doesn't "get it." EVER. He was born of a culture that never learned of this thing called "humor," and to a lesser extent (but really a more bigger extent), "sarcasm." If you make a joke by stating something that is meant to be sarcastic (ie saying that Bio-Dome is the best romantic drama of all time), this dipshit will pop up out of nowhere and correct you. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING REATRDED AND THEY WILL NEVER FUCKING GET THAT YOU WERE MAKING A FUCKING JOKE GOD DAMMIT I FUCKING HATE YOU RETARDED PIECES OF SHIT AND I HOPE YOU GET BURIED ALIVE IN A VAT OF BIRD SHIT.

There is NO hope for this son of a bitch, unless they go the fuck away. Then there will be some hope that we can forget about him, and continue with our lives. And if they don't leave, we will make him take a beer bong (not bomb) up his urethra, then set him on fire.

Pub Lover · #27

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamesman

we will make him take a beer bomb up his urethra

Funny, but it still made me go 'huh?' :/

fred the scalpel · #28

Quote:

I HOPE YOU GET BURIED ALIVE IN A VAT OF BIRD SHIT.

Why the hell would anyone have a vat of bird shit?

EDIT: Aside from using it to bury Clueless Clarks that is.

Jebus · #29

I believe it is beer bong.

James · #30

Jebus · #31

Quote:

No, beer bomb. You know, with the tube and funnel? You take it all really fast, hence the term "beer bomb."

BEER BONG.

James · #32

jailbaitmonger · #33

http://www.beerbong.com/

Jebus · #34

http://beerbongs.freeservers.com/catalog.html

Edit: You have convinced me Jamesman, I take it all back

James · #35

James · #36

Misinformation Man · #37

DID YOU KNOW:

In Roman times, the term "newbie" was given to gladiators who lacked experience? Now it is used to describe people in internet communities!

McClain · #38

Jamesman, this is very entertaining. But you're too kind. Distinguishing these retards gives them too much credit. They're all one big piece of smelly shit in my opinion.

whoreable · #39

i dont drink but i really wanted to build a beer bong once. i would have pressurized the beer inside it then when someone tried to take a drink it would come out with such force beer would shoot out their nose

________
THE CIGAR BOSS

James · #40

Only one for tonight.

Newbie #8: (Red)X-Man

This is a guy you hope is new to the internet. Unfortunately, that is never the case. These people have just been lliving under a rock (which I don't understand, because rocks are tiny. And don't say a big rock, because that's a boulder. Or a mountain. If it's really really big, it's a mountain), and never learned that damn near every free site (such as geocities, angelfire, etc) has image linking disabled.

It can be forgiven if someone links from a REAL site that doesn't allow image linking (for example, if you try to link from SomethingAwful.com). But when it comes to sites that even your 4-year-old cousin knows don't allow it, it's just fucking stupid and annoying.

If you are a (Red)X-Man, fucking stop. Those complaints and insults aren't just there to try and play a foolie on you. Find some other place that has your damn stupid pictures, and MAYBE you can redeem yourself (granted there are no other reasons to hate you, although it's very likely there are, you dipshit).

I am Mexican Jewish · #41

Hmmm....beer-flavored thong/ Homer.

crazyass13 · #42

Quote:

It can be forgiven if someone links from a REAL site that doesn't allow image linking (for example, if you try to link from SomethingAwful.com). But when it comes to sites that even your 4-year-old cousin knows don't allow it, it's just fucking stupid and annoying.

Hay Dumb fuck, don't you know that image leaching makes you gay? If you want to post images get your own webspace and host them yourself.

James · #43

Hello to you too!

James · #44

I just have to say how funny it is to see people joining these boards, and fitting into one of these newbie types flawlessly. It means I'm doing a good job.

And General Genitals is my favorite picture in this thread so far.

noob3 · #45

You posted in Lady Ice's thread "Newbie #6", when Lady Ice was around a long time ago at EzBoard. So, I think you're giving yourself too much credit.

James · #46

Well that was more or less a joke, but I still consider her a newbie, and she introduced herself again.

And despite her love affair with Max, I really do want her to die.