Features

Geggy · #1

WANK WANK

ACNE: Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the primary cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't masturbate have acne.
DEPRESSION: Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy - the most likely cause is chronic masturbation.
DESIRE FOR PRIVACY: Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy. Chances are he or she is in there masturbating!
"ROCK" MUSIC: Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try masturbation.
BOY JUICES: Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have been deposited there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family prayer meeting and underwear check!
IDEALISM: Does your teenager have Liberal or otherwise idealistic political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by self-abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.
FADDISM: Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to masturbate, either.
DENIAL: Does your child look guilty or deny masturbating? Very few teenaged masturbators will openly admit to their sickness!
EVIDENCE: Have you caught your child masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably masturbating.

Cap'n Crunch · #2

If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably masturbating.

That has to be one of the funniest things I heard this month.

Sam · #3

OMG.

I HAD ALL THOSE SIGNS EXCEPT FOR ONE OF THEM AND MY PARENTS NEVER COULD TELL.

sadie · #4

Quote:

TeenScreenTM scientifically detects a protein enzyme produced by the male prostate gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, Saltines, etc. It apparently won't detect masturbation in girls (consultants assure the Bush Administration that females have no prostate glands, although the Bible suggests otherwise), but will uncover sexual activity in daughters by detecting traces of semen in panties, hair, etc. For additional security, you may easily buy a $10.00 microscope from Toys R Us and a $500.00 centrifuge from Fisher Scientific that will enable you (MALE CHRISTIAN PARENTS ONLY!!!!) to examine your sons' urine for signs of the Sin of Onan.

or have them wear boxing gloves.

my son turned 10 last month.

James · #5

Everything was going rather well until "BOY JUICES."

Everything before that is true.

Helm · #6

Quote:

by detecting traces of semen in panties, hair

Hair? What the fuck? Who comes in people's hair?

And James, are you being "sarcastic" or what? Because I think any person wanting their privacy is healthy, regardless of whether they want to play with their genitals or not.

Quote:

It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy.

Rrright.

I'm not ever touching the music of the devil argument.

Tell me you're trying to be cute here.

kellychaos · #7

I never masturbated any teenagers and I resent your implications, sir.

:ineverinhaled

Helm · #8

http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/purity/index.asp

Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely eliminated masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad reputation in the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with crude instruments, without anesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. Up until recently, this proud and noble procedure had been outlawed in the United States by the ruling hedonists and sodomites of the Democratic party. President Bush is proud to unilaterally overturn this law by the power of Executive Order #13252-V, thereby clearing the way for safe and effective Clitoridectomies for all American females - performed in sterile, modern operating rooms with plenty of soothing anesthesia. A woman who has had a Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of masturbation and other lascivious behavior, and is ready to resume her life as a decent and productive member of American society. Furthermore, Operation Infinite Purity makes Clitoridectomies mandatory for female children (who will never miss the part that is removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn't just for females! Castration for adult males will become the standard punitive measure for repeat masturbatory offenders.

Somebody tell me this webpage is a joke. Please!

kellychaos · #9

Actually, I've heard of that practice before viewing the website you posted. :/

James · #10

[quote="Helm"]

Quote:

And James, are you being "sarcastic" or what? Because I think any person wanting their privacy is healthy, regardless of whether they want to play with their genitals or not.

I just meant about the "signs" of masturbation. Not the specifics of each thing. I have the occasional acne, listen to rock music, and depressed, and want privacy.

And I will one day cum in a girl's hair.