What would you do?

[Colonel Flagg]

I can't think of any better place to discuss this, so here goes.

My elementary grade level son was invited to a birthday party recently. This party was held in the evening, as some birthday parties are these days (I guess). The thing is, my son is special needs - autism spectrum with some delays - and I was concerned (go ahead, call me overprotective, I dare you!) about what the other kids could do. Let's face it, we've all been there, and children can be cruel. His school has a zero tolerance policy for teasing and bullying, but I know how (in)effective that can be.

So this explains my presence at this party for preteens. I figure that he will stay for about an hour and then get tired and ask to go home. This is what happened, and I must say, he had a great time. He socialized, interacted very well and appropriately (he had one minor gaffe, but hey, so have I at parties much more formal than this, so no big whoop). However, there was one incident that stuck out in my mind.

Apparently there was one child there who came in to the party area, and just stood there, not even bothering to take off their coat. Plus, the child looked quite distressed. I happened to take a closer look while following my son around, since he walked right up to the individual and said "Hi G*****! I'm glad you came. Isn't this a great party?" To which he received no response, so he kept moving looking for someone else to talk to. While I was there, I couldn't help but notice but this child was crying.

Things did not improve from there. I kept half an eye on the situation and a party parent, and 3 kids atempted to draw this individual into the party without any success. As far as I know this child was alone (their parent(s) apparently not there).

My question: What would you do? I already know what I did, and I'd like to hear your views without prejudice.

[Fathom Zero]

Sounds like the kid was just having a bad time. Don't worry yourself about it, I say. As long as your kid had a good time, you shouldn't feel bad.

[Sethomas]

Well, my thoughts are that it could really be quite nothing, maybe he's a fine and normal kid who just had a bad day or had some specific reason for awkward behavior at that specific hour. Just as easily, though, it could relate to a deeper problem in social development which could come from mental chemistry or child abuse or post-traumatic stress or whatever else. To me, at least, it's worth the risk to investigate if there's a problem.

In American society, there's a huge taboo against attempts for individuals to raise other parents' children, so the only thing you could do personally is to report the episode to the school and advise an incrementally increasing amount of psychological analysis. It would probably start passive but should probably get more involved.

I personally think I have developed a talent for discerning psychological trouble in people through passive means, but I doubt it would work well for me or most anyone else on a child. The reason is that when it comes to things like shame and guilt, kids younger than and sometimes beyond adolescence have a hard time varying in degree of internalization between things like "I just peed my pants" and "I think I killed my sister".

[Tadao]

I would have asked other parents if G****'s parents are there before aproaching the child and trying to make him laugh.

[Colonel Flagg]

Thank you all for your opinions.

Actually, I was somewhat comforted that other children and parents noticed this child, and sort of felt that it was not my place to get involved, as I didn't know them at all. However, I did have a name to go on (thanks to my son!) so after I got home, I did some sleuthing in the school directory and determined who the child was - and that they are in Sp.Ed. for emotional support. (STP, are you a psychic, or do you just play one on TV?)

I think I probably did less than I probably could (point my son back in the appropriate direction and prod him to re-initiate a conversation, for example), but if I had done more, I might be thought of as a stalker. Plus, he wanted to go, and he came first. So, I'll just keep a half an eye on things.