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  #1  
Akennedy90 Akennedy90 is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 01:59 PM        50 Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church
Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

I really liked this and thought you all would too.
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  #2  
Protoclown Protoclown is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:01 PM       
Wow. That was simply hilarious. Tell me, do you have any more lists like this to share with us? I'm sure they'd go over real well.
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  #3  
AChimp AChimp is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:19 PM       
BANNED.
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  #4  
ziggytrix ziggytrix is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:28 PM       
here is another one for your list:
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  #5  
FartinMowler FartinMowler is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:34 PM       
Quote:
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

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  #6  
Akennedy90 Akennedy90 is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:35 PM       
Ummm yah why would I be banned?
Freedom of speech,and religion and freedom to make fun of religion.
I am not antireligious by any means and im not trying to change you guys to be secular. I just find this stuff funny. In fact seculars(like myself believe in nothing) Im not trying to preach what I believe to you i just put this on here cause (in my opinion) it was funny.
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  #7  
liquidstatik liquidstatik is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:36 PM       
Nobody cares that you hate religion. You just suck and make too many threads.
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  #8  
Esuohlim Esuohlim is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:36 PM       
TELL ME, AKENNEDY90. DO YOU GET THESE LISTS IN THE EMAILS YOUR COOL FRIENDS SEND YOU?
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  #9  
James James is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:39 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Akennedy90
Ummm yah why would I be banned?
Freedom of speech,and religion and freedom to make fun of religion.
I am not antireligious by any means and im not trying to change you guys to be secular. I just find this stuff funny. In fact seculars(like myself believe in nothing) Im not trying to preach what I believe to you i just put this on here cause (in my opinion) it was funny.
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  #10  
Bennett Bennett is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 02:45 PM       
#51. Praise Jesus.

omg
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  #11  
Brandon Brandon is offline
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Old Dec 31st, 2003, 04:27 PM       
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED WRITING TOP TEN LISTS FOR DAVID LETTERMAN?
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  #12  
Immortal Goat Immortal Goat is offline
Now with less sodium!
 
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Old Jan 1st, 2004, 12:24 AM       
I actually liked this list. He's still kinda new, give him a break.
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  #13  
pissed off salesman pissed off salesman is offline
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Old Jan 1st, 2004, 12:47 AM       
OOOH, someones in lurve!
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  #14  
Jeanette X Jeanette X is offline
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Old Jan 1st, 2004, 01:14 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Akennedy90
Ummm yah why would I be banned?
Freedom of speech,and religion and freedom to make fun of religion.
I am not antireligious by any means and im not trying to change you guys to be secular. I just find this stuff funny. In fact seculars(like myself believe in nothing) Im not trying to preach what I believe to you i just put this on here cause (in my opinion) it was funny.
I don't want you banned because you posted something making fun of religion. I want you banned because you are an unoriginal twat.
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  #15  
glowbelly glowbelly is offline
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Old Jan 1st, 2004, 03:09 AM       
where have i heard THAT before?
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  #16  
Protoclown Protoclown is offline
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Old Jan 1st, 2004, 04:28 AM       
Hey, who said anything about banning him? I just want to make fun of him until he cries.
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  #17  
Supafly345 Supafly345 is offline
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Old Jan 1st, 2004, 07:43 AM       
I got this "top # things for something to do somewhere" email a year or two ago. I heard it was supposed to be pretty funny.
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  #18  
DamnthatDavid DamnthatDavid is offline
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Old Jan 1st, 2004, 08:02 AM       
Quote:
Freedom of speech,and religion and freedom to make fun of religion.
Freedom of Speech?

YOU are in the fucking realm of fantasy if you believe that you are protected by the freedom of speech in this domain. You, are in fact DOOMED to be ass fucked by a bunch of clowns with hand buzzer dick rings.
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