Feb 3rd, 2004, 11:48 PM
The Life And Times of Johnny: Part 1. (Please delete this.)
The Life And Times of Johnny: Part 1
Johnny lived an amazing life. By the age of 7 he was in the jungles of the Congo, fighting drug wars with a potato gun and a sack of daisies, just incase things got a bit messy. After a few years of potato shootin' and daisy sackin' he left the Congo, only to return again, he forgot his sack. After retreiving his sack he headed out for the states, to find a job in the exotic dancer business. By now he was 10, and it wasn't a problem for him to find a job in the U.S.A, especially to become a young male exotic dancer in one of the local clubs.
After aplying for a job at the club called "Johnny In Your Face" which name seemed somehow apropriate for two reasons, and I'm sure everyone knows what they are.
Johnny was accepted into the club but it required training, and alot of it.
So after Johnny recieved his training it was time to work. So he worked. He did his, "thang". So he pulled out his, "wang". After 2 months of wang thangin' he set off to become a O.G (original gangster) in the Rollin' '80's set of Crips over in L.A. By now, it had been his birthday, which no one really knows or cares, but he was 11. And that's how old you had to be to get in.
His acceptecne into the set of Crips including: going out and shootin' random people, smoking pot, gettin' drunk, then letting the rest of the set beat the shit out of him. After his face was pounded in and his pelvis turned backwards from the kicking he recieved on the ground he was accepted into the set of Crips.
"Alright son, you gotta bust out da gat and cap some Bloods. Aight son." said the leader of their set. "Alright," Johnny said. "I can drop some bodies'!" he joked around trying to be black. "Let's roll ladies." They mounted up and set off to cap some Bloods. They rolled around the corner in their '76 Pontiac and shot up some nearby Bloods.
"Right on J-dawg. You got yourself a name now. After dropping some bodies we gunna par-tay. You ready for this shit." said the leader. "Yea!" Johnny yelled. So they went back to their little base and got high and gased up. Johnny stumbled around carrying his sack over his shoulder. "I'm outty!" He struggled to say. They all said good-bye to Johnny and waved their little hankies and cryed. They new it was time for him to go. He was only a youngin'. So Johnny headed out again. Drunk and high he stumbled and past out in a bush of pickies. 2 days later he woke up and set out for Canada. And this is where I come in.
Johnny hitch-hiked all the way to Canada. I was a poor guy, just out of jail, I was in there for assault and battery, and calling an elderly woman, "saggy". So I was working as customs officer at the boarder, and that's where I met Johnny. When I first seen him cruising up in a stolen convertable, his lucious hippie hair blowing in the wind. The smell of flowers from kilometers away. I knew I had to bust this dumbass beatnik.
Johnny rumbled up to the boarder of Canada in his beat up hippie convertable. Which I thought would have been electric powered. But, it was stolen, obviously. I walked up slowly beside the car, tilted my glasses down. "What's shakin' scum?" I asked him. "Maan, you just gotta mellow out man. Just meell-lloww." He made his hands go all wavy like. "Shut your mouth scum." I said. "I got dirt on you. You and your stolen pile here. Beatnik!" He took off his shades and looked at me. "So." He said. "I just, "borrowed" it man. Just coooool down. Here, try this man." He handed me some funny green stuff rolled in paper. "Who the hell do you think you are-" I looked at his drivers license. "-Johnny?" "I'm who it says on the card man. Didn't I tell you to mellow. Just light it up man, mellow out dude." I walked away and got my AK-47U. "Get the fuck out the car hippie. Now!" I pointed the automatic firearm at his car. "Get out!" I yelled again. He got out of the car slowly. "No need for violence man. We can solve all problems with words my friend." He said to me. I looked at him. He looked at me. "Step away from the car." I said. He did so. I open fired on his car and emptied out 150 rounds into the engine. "Duuuuude!!! That's my fucken car maaaan!!" He put his hands to his head and started towards his car. "Come with me." I said. He changed his tone and didn't seem as such an idiot anymore. He slung this small sack on his shoulder and said. "Without question." and he follwed me to the holding cells. And that's where I put him for the night.
The next day I was going to quit the customs, and join the Military in the states. I told Johnny this. He said he was going to think about it.
I gave him a day to think about it. And he said, "Is there a war going on?" I shrugged, and he said, "Oh well." So we busted out of there and i gave him back his sack and we hit the road down to the states in the customs car.
I don't clearly remember anything up until our first tour in 'nam. Guess it must have been that funny smelling green stuff. Oh well.
"Seargent Cleerkok!" Yelled the Captain. "Yes sir!" Cleerkok replied. "Gather your men. You're going to the heart of Vietnam. But," He continued. "Sir?" Cleerkok announced. "But you can all go to Sigon first, get yourself some 'nam hookers. It's all up to you." The Captain ended with a salut, and so did Cleerkok.
Me and Johnny had nothing to do with Cleerkok. I just remember the Captain telling me about his name. Anyway, at about this time me and Johnny, like I said before, were on our first tour in 'nam.
"Sir!" I yelled through the telecom. "We have Viet-Con closing in on us from all sides! Sir! We only have sand to throw in their eyes and tiny sticks to poke them with afterwards! Sir! We have no ammo. Request air support." "That's a negative you pussy soldier! You throw that sand in their eyes! You poke those fuckers with them twigs! You hear me soldier! Now suck it up and swallow it, you're a Marine now! Go get some!! OUT!" And he ended the transmission. I looked over at Johnny who was throwing sand like a madman. "Johnny," I says to him I says. "We gotta fight with what we got man. You her me. Let's roll!" Johnny yelled his war cry, "AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!" and he poked the nearest Viet-Con in the eye with a small twig, now bloody and dripping. He took down 10 more and I covered him, taking position to throw he dirt like a madman. I took down only 1 with my wreckless sand fighting. But we got them all, me and Johnny.
Johnny stood there panting like an angry dog. He yelled again, "AAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!!!" Raising his hands into the air, then slowly he licked the blood off of his twig. "Delicious." He told me I should try it sometime. I had to turn that offer down. We checked the bodies for money, guns, ammo, anything we could find. After we were done we called for an e-vac and we left on a chopper to Sigon.
"I'm a get me a nice hooker Jesse." He told me. "One that likes to bounce." He said again. "Well isn't that nice." I told him. "Just as long as they aren't too expensive." he replied. I laughed under my breath and looked out the side of the chopper down on Sigon below. "Set her down here!" I yelled to the pilot. We hopped off and walked down Sigons main street, "Gunna Ge Suky Fo Yu." I ordered a room at the hotel so I could sleep, and johnny went out hooker hunting.
It had to be at least four days before our next mission. The captain called us in too assassinate some Vietnamese military offical. A General or something. Didn't really pay attention. But we at least knew where he was.
"We are low on weapons and munition I'm afraid." The Captain told me and Johnny. "So here, take my .45 Hand Gun. It has 8 shots. More then enough to finish the job. "Great," I said to myself. "We have to assassinate a General with a pistol." I looked over at Johnny. "He'll probably end up wasting all the bullets on useless soldiers before we even come near to those smelly bastards." I said to myself. "Oh well," I continued. "He can probably just whack him with the handle of the gun." I gave the gun to Johnny and we headed for the chopper again. "Here we go again." Johnny said. "Off to have some more fun killing the smelly folk. I wonder what their animals think of them." I just shrugged and said, "They probably can't smell anymore. Their stench probably broke the poor animals noses." Nobody said anything so I just layed back and enjoyed the ride while I waited for some peanuts.
I woke up on the ground surrounded by dead Viet-Con. "Thought I smelt a wet beaver." I said rubbing my head. "What the hell did you do to me?" I asked Johnny who was standing their. "You're jokes don't make me laugh, and when I don't laugh. I hit people in the head. It's kind of my reflex. Like blinking. Only you get to hurt people." Johnny smiled. I picked up a toothpick and we started walking towards our destination. "So you ran out of ammo right." I asked him. "Yea." He replied. "Oh well..." We walked on and on, and on for a bit more until we stopped for a bit. Then Johnny said to me. "Time to get a move on." So we moved on again.
We came to a field of cotton candy. "Damn Vietnamese. Growing cotton candy illegally." I said picking it up and eating it. "Don't eat that, the wet beavers planted that. You don't know where god had them last. He could have been whiping his ass with these people for all you know." Johnny said to me. I spit it out and grumbled. "Damn stinkin' wet beaver pelting monkey infants." I said.
Johnny stopped. "What is it?" I asked. "I smell-" He sniffed the air. "I smell hookers!" he sniffed some more. "And I smell wet beaver, tis a strong smell. Must be our General. I heard they keep there officers extra smelly." He told me. We continued on into the small village, in secret.
There were no other guards or smelly soldiers posted around the village. Because Johnny and I killed them all before the smelliest of them all even cared to noticed. Johnny and I snuck up behind the hut where we heard the General speaking in his tongue (language). "You know what he's saying Johnny?" I asked looking over at him as he peeked around the corner. "Not a stinking word." He replied. "Come on. This way." We snuck around the corner, there was a window. Johnny peeked through it. "Aha!" He whispered in success. "He doesn't have hookers, he's playing a tape and he sits in his chair." "What a freak." I said, trying to hide the fact that I do the same thing. We crept along side the hut to the door. Johnny cracked his bones and prepared to kill him. He was sleeping at the time. Johnny opened the door slowly as he put his finger to his mouth. "Shhhh." He said. He snuck in slowly and put the sack on his head and tighened it so that he couldn't see, or get it off. Johnny then konked him on the head and he fell to the floor unconcious. "What do we do with him now?" I asked as I repeatedly kicked the general in the chest. "There's only one thing left to do." Johnny said. "And that would be?" I asked again. "Get a rock, and some rope. We're going to tie the rock to his legs then throw him in the river." Johnny said once more.
So that's how we finished that. After we were done there me and Johnny rode back to the base on giant chipmunks.
And this is how the first part of many parts ends. Tune in next time to see me and Johnny battle mutated severed limbs of our smelly enemies. Then after that!... I'm not too sure on what is really after that, it's hard to explain, but you'll all understand.
Part 1 Ends Here, Not There.