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  #51  
Jeanette X Jeanette X is offline
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Old Jul 14th, 2008, 12:27 PM       
The Pope, a schoolboy, and George W. Bush are on an airplane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a fatal heart attack, and the plane starts to fall out of the sky, and there are only two parachutes available. The Pope turns to the others and says:

"I've lived a long and fruitful life. Each of you take a parachute and don't worry about me."

The president grabs one, straps it on, and jumps out of the plane.

The boy watches him go, turns to the Pope and says:

"Go ahead and grab one."

The Pope says:

"What do you mean? There's only one left!"

The boy shakes his head.

"No, there's two. The president took my backpack."
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  #52  
Sethomas Sethomas is offline
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Old Jul 14th, 2008, 12:59 PM       
So a bear walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we'd get our liquor license revoked if we served an animal any kind of drug. Unfortunately, alcohol is a drug." So, the bear asks for a cigarette and the bartender says, "I'd love to, pal, but nicotine is a drug, too." The bear is getting more and more irate. The bear then says, "fine, can I at least have a goddamn cup of coffee here?" The bartender says, "no, caffeine is a drug and we're out of decaf."

At this point the bear is furious and he decides to take revenge by eating the snarky girl who had been picking up glasses off the table and preparing some of the drinks. At last the bartender says, "Okay, now you're going to have to leave. I can tolerate bears eating my employees, but you've had a drug in my establishment and I don't want to lose my license." To which the bear replied, "A drug? I just ate that bitch who works here!"

And then the bartender says, "Exactly. That was a bar bitch you ate."
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  #53  
Jeanette X Jeanette X is offline
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Old Jul 14th, 2008, 07:34 PM       
Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A. "You can keep the tip."

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  #54  
Dimnos Dimnos is offline
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Old Jul 15th, 2008, 11:01 AM       
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Originally Posted by Jeanette X View Post
Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A. "You can keep the tip."
ROFL! Good one
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  #55  
BigMac500 BigMac500 is offline
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Old Jul 15th, 2008, 11:01 PM       
Q. What do you call a man who sits on his lawn all day?

A. Patty O'Furniture!!!


Oh ho ho! Eh? Eh? No?
Okay... =(
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  #56  
Jeanette X Jeanette X is offline
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Old Jul 15th, 2008, 11:41 PM       
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"
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  #57  
LordSappington LordSappington is offline
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Old Jul 16th, 2008, 12:08 AM       
So a neutron walks into a bar, and orders a beer. A little while later, he finshes it and asks the bartender, 'What do I owe you?' The bartender looks it over and says, 'For you, no charge.'
This has been: MasterGeek Theatre.
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  #58  
Jeanette X Jeanette X is offline
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Old Jul 16th, 2008, 12:09 PM       
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Just two, but good luck getting them in there.
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  #59  
bigtimecow bigtimecow is offline
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Old Jul 16th, 2008, 12:22 PM       
two guys are walking down the street and see these two dogs having sex.

one guy says to the other, "man, i wish i could get my wife like that."

the other guy says, "it's easily. listen, you give her two shots of tequila and you'll be all set."

the next day the two guys meet up, and one says to the other, "so, did it work?"

the other guy says, "yes, but it was three shots of tequila."

"three? why three?"

"two to get her in the mood and one to get her on the front lawn"
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  #60  
Dimnos Dimnos is offline
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Old Jul 17th, 2008, 03:36 PM       
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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  #61  
darkvare darkvare is offline
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Old Jul 17th, 2008, 10:15 PM       
i know one but i appologise for my spelling

okay here goes:
ther are 3 guys on a plane having difficulties on mid-air an american a japanesse and a mexican

pilot: "we are having several problems and one of you is gonna have to jump."
wothout hesitation the american stands up and screams "for the united states" and jumps out of the plane. a couple of minutes pass and the pilot repeats the message.
this time the mexican stands up and screams "for mexico", quickly grabs the japanesse and throws him out of the window. the end
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  #62  
Aries Aries is offline
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Old Jul 17th, 2008, 10:18 PM       
The doctor said he needed samples of my urine, blood, stool and semen. So I handed him my underwear.
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  #63  
Not You Not You is offline
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Old Jul 17th, 2008, 11:17 PM       
Q. What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

A. Nothing shes already been spoken to twice.
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  #64  
Dimnos Dimnos is offline
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Old Jul 18th, 2008, 10:12 AM       
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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  #65  
Dimnos Dimnos is offline
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Old Jul 18th, 2008, 10:13 AM       
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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  #66  
Dimnos Dimnos is offline
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Old Jul 18th, 2008, 10:16 AM       
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
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  #67  
sloth sloth is offline
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Old Jul 18th, 2008, 05:21 PM       
WOMEN HUH DIMNOS
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  #68  
executioneer executioneer is offline
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Old Jul 19th, 2008, 03:35 AM       
yeah, but does anyone know a GOOD joke
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  #69  
Fathom Zero Fathom Zero is offline
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Old Jul 19th, 2008, 03:37 AM       
http://youtube.com/watch?v=A4n8gO7NGDo
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  #70  
eggyolk eggyolk is offline
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Old Jul 19th, 2008, 10:13 PM       
my friend's dad told me this one:

A lizard is walking through the jungle when he looks up in a tree and sees a monkey in a cloud of smoke.

"What are you doing up there?" he says.
"I'm smoking a joint!" The monkey replies.
"No way! We cant get weed out here man!" The lizard says.
"Wanna bet?" says the monkey "Come up here and take a hit!"

So the lizard climbs up the tree and sits down next to the monkey and they smoke and smoke and finally the lizard stops and says "Man I'm STONED. I gotta get a drink of water!"
The monkey tells him "There is a river down the way a little bit, you can get a drink there."

The lizard climbs down the tree and walks to the river, and he leans in to get a drink, but his balance isn't very good so he stumbles into the water and starts floating off down the river. An alligator sees him and grabs him and sets him back on the shore.

"What's wrong with you?" says the alligator "Why did you fall in like that?"
"I'm baked." says the lizard "I smoked a joint with monkey over there in that tree."
"No way!" Says the alligator, "We can't get weed out here."
"Don't believe me?" Says the lizard, "Go look."
So the alligator walks over to the tree and looks up at the monkey and the monkey calls down to him "Wow, man! How much water did you drink?!"

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  #71  
DALI-II DALI-II is offline
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Old Jul 20th, 2008, 10:15 AM       
Not from me, but from the MARX BROTHERS:

"One day I bagged 6 tigers..."
"-Oh captain, you CAUGHT 6 tigers?!"
"No, I bagged them. They were already to go but hung around all afternoon. Laziest bunch I ever saw..."
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PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS TEXT. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS TEXT.PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS TEXT.PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS TEXT.WATCH BRANDY AND MR.WHISKERS! PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS TEXT.PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS TEXT.PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS TEXT.
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  #72  
Big Papa Goat Big Papa Goat is offline
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Old Jul 20th, 2008, 04:15 PM       
does anyone know the one about the guy with the fish and chips at the monastery and the fish friar?
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  #73  
Tadao Tadao is offline
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Old Jul 20th, 2008, 04:44 PM       
A catholic priest and a rabi run a camp for young boys and they both see a kid out in the woods alone.

The priest says to the rabi, "Hey, you want to fuck that kid?" and the rabi says, "Sure! But what should we fuck him out of?"
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  #74  
Evil Robot Evil Robot is offline
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Old Jul 20th, 2008, 05:17 PM       
OK so this guy walks into in and is like "what the fuck is your problem bitch gimmie a fucking break I just got off work and I don't feel like listening to your shit right now." His wife says to him "Oh yeah work, that minum wage bullshit where you sit on your ass all day? fuck you.". Then she started hitting him and he punched her back.

Get it? punch line?
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  #75  
executioneer executioneer is offline
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Old Jul 21st, 2008, 12:36 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fathom Zero View Post
you and your unlabeled youtube links
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