A Thread for Abcdxxxx To Get It Off His Chest

[mburbank]

Hi, Abcdxxxxx. I started this thread for you so you could just come right out and say what's bothering you without gaying up a perfectly good tread that was about something else. For a while I thought you could hurl barbs AND actually address the central posed in the thread, but I got the impression that wasn't what you wanted to do. I'm not saying you couldn't, in fact I thik you could, and convincingly and from an informed knowledge base.

But I think you have a major mad on for me, and as we all know anger is toxic and causes cancer. And I don't want you to get cancer. So come on, let it all out. Something is really bothering you here. Is it because I'm Jewish?

[Abcdxxxx]

Since when were you Jewish? I thought Repetative was your religion. Oh, and no thanks, lover.

[Ant10708]

Hamas Calls For 'Giant Summit' With All Israelis
February 15, 2006 | Issue 42•07

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—After his militant Islamic party took the majority in Palestine's recent elections, Ismail Haniyeh called for a "giant summit with all living Israelis" Monday, rekindling international hopes for peace in the war-torn region.

Ismail Haniyeh urges Israeli participation in "bringing closure" to conflict in the Middle East.
Haniyeh characterized the one-day summit as "the final solution to the Israeli-Palestinian dispute," and invited every Jewish citizen of the world to attend. Haniyeh said he expects more than 5 million participants from Israel alone.

"It was foolish of us to think that a satisfactory resolution could be reached through small-scale aggression," Haniyeh said. "It will take more than the sporadic deaths of small groups of Israeli civilians to achieve our ends."

"This summit is long overdue," he added.

Haniyeh, who once said that Palestinian independence could only be achieved through the destruction of Israel, has apparently reversed his stance.

"It is clear to us now that a positive outcome will not be possible unless many, many sacrifices are made," Haniyeh said. "I give my word that the Israeli people shall have their cries for peace heard for miles around."

Haniyeh did not disclose the issues that will be discussed at the summit, saying only that he "would be very surprised if the entire process took longer than a couple of hours."

Haniyeh also extended an invitation to any high-ranking American official who would like to moderate the proceedings.

"We will achieve our goals with or without foreign help," Haniyeh said. "However, if George W. Bush or other top-level U.S. officials wish to attend, it would certainly make those first, most difficult steps a lot easier to take."

In a public statement Tuesday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad endorsed the "Hamas-led peace process," and offered the use of Tehran's Azadi Stadium as an "impartial location away from the distracting glare of publicity."

"It is about time for a summit of this nature," Ahmadinejad said. "The people of Iran will do anything they can to help further this crucial process."

According to Haniyeh, Israelis need only arrive with an open mind, insisting that the summit can have a positive outcome only if traditional and long-standing prejudices "are left at the door, along with any weapons, gas masks, or bulletproof vests."

"Security is of the utmost importance, which is why the summit will be watched over by my most loyal and experienced men," Haniyeh said. "To this end, every Israeli will also be marked with a six-digit protection number."

Hamas has already gone to significant lengths to ensure that Israeli Jews will be able to attend the summit, including transportation via specially chartered freight trains.

"Very much like a cleansing fire, the summit will wipe the slate of Arab-Jewish relations utterly and irreversibly clean," Haniyeh said. "By the end of our negotiations, those who walk out of the summit will be very pleased."

"With the blessing of Allah, we will soon see every last obstacle standing in the path to harmony exterminated," Haniyeh added. "Like the filthy dogs they are."

No official response to Hamas' summit proposal has yet been made. However, it is widely believed that acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and his cabinet will propose an alternative mass summit to which Hamas party officials and their Palestinian supporters will be similarly welcomed.


I found it funny. Good old Onion.

[mburbank]

Acdxxxx. I really think this could be good for you.

And if you didn't know I was a Jew, that makes you the only one here. Uness you're trying to be stereotypically Jewish and make a judgement on the veracity of another Jews Jewishness. Judaism is a religion of laws. Mom? Jew. What's that make me, Schmool?

And as the only person here who might match me blow for blow in repetitiveness, you can say that again.

Now come on. Fess up. What crawled up your ass and died? Come on now. Better out than in.

[Abcdxxxx]

I could care less what your religion is. I recall you're a convert. Yippee. I don't know why you think I'm picking on you personally. I hate you all. Ever hear the one about stones and glass houses?

Ant - At least someone still reads the Onion.

[mburbank]

You recall incorrectly. Belonging to a Unitarian congregation does not require any sort of conversion. Deeds not creeds, baby. And I still say you got a bug up your ass. I think you're in denial. I think you calmed yourself down and now you want to look like you didn't have a li'l hissy.

[Ant10708]

Unitarian is like a mixture of all the religions' teachings? I have no idea to be honest so don't mock if I'm completly wrong.

[Abcdxxxx]

Listen Checky, you're an egotistical hyper sensitive twit. Thanks for the whole thread devoted to how much I don't like you, and all the theories why...but nobody cares. I also don't care if you're a self identified Jew of a fucking Hare Krishna...actually, wait I kinda do...because at least then you'd be good for some free noodles, and some jokes about your bald head. Have some worms, and a smile, and shut the fuck up.

[mburbank]

You are such a little grumpus. Am I egotistical just because I think you're wrong, or think I'm funny? Or both? I'm less egotistical than you, who tells anyone who disagrees with you that it's because they do not kow anywhere near as much as you do, as if the same knowledge base would automatically lead to your inexoribaly correct mindset. But I'll yield on that one, as Egotism is one of your areas of expertise. You are not required to think I'm funny. You never once wrote me a check, you cheap bastard, why should I care what makes you laugh? Beside, as a professional comedian I know much, much, much, more than you do bout comedy and if you knew all the stuff I did you'd agree with me. It's very egotistical of you to claim otherwise. As for hypersensitive... I can't talk about it anymore becuase you made me cry, you nasty little man.

Ant, Unitarians are a diverse lot. Each congregation is a self governed group, so you get a whole lot of different things. Many UU (Unitarian Universalists) churches are very goofy new age affairsm, but generally speaking there hearst are in the right place. There are a set of ethical precepts about the inherent worth of all people and social justice (World wide living wage is a huge UU issue these days) but there are zero precepts about the nature of your belief. Creedless. An atheist can be a UU. The Church I belong to is more conservative than most UU's in that we are nominally Christian, and we actually do mention God. Christian is a bad description, because it's mostly about Jesus and we don't really care oif you think he was divine or not.

Thomas Jefferson made his own bible where he cut out every refernce to miracles and all claims that Jesus was Gods personal son (as opposed to hints that everyone is Gods son or daughter) and that's the basic deal. But that's just my congregation. There's nothing Jesus said about how to treat each other that runs contrary to my Judiasm. If memory serves, Jesus kind of thought he was a Jew. I mean, it would have been SO concieted for him to call himself a Christian, and he was NOT stuck up. Until the end.

[Abcdxxxx]

Get it? Until the end. He's being funny again!

Wipe your brow, and stop trying so hard.

[glowbelly]

and you're not...again.

[Abcdxxxx]

OMG! Emoticon jump and dance. When's the next Mockery jamborie?! I wanna get an invite this time!!!!!!!

[Girl Drink Drunk]

Max, as awesome as you are and as entertaining as it is to tear this guy a metaphorical asshole, I don't think this guy is worth your time, man. Just my two cents. By the way, I hate to sound like an ass-kisser, but your Halloween costume quiz was one of the funniest things I've ever read. Good times.

[Rez]

what is the goddamn point, here?

abracadabra is clearly floundering and responding in irritation, but max is also in total jerk mode because he's not interested in what he has to say, he just wants to irritate him some more.

slow day?

Originally Posted by Abcdxxxx

OMG! Emoticon jump and dance. When's the next Mockery jamborie?! I wanna get an invite this time!!!!!!!

SHUT UP YOU FRAGILE LITTLE VICTIM.

[Girl Drink Drunk]

Originally Posted by Rez

what is the goddamn point, here?

abracadabra is clearly floundering and responding in irritation, but max is also in total jerk mode because he's not interested in what he has to say, he just wants to irritate him some more.

Abc was the one that started making the personal attacks.

[Rez]

Originally Posted by Sniperwulf

Abc was the one that started making the personal attacks.

so what?

i understand the vinth and kulturkampf ones, because they are great behemoths of self-absorbed, incredulous, and wholly inadvertant comedy. they transcend gnats like Abc when they admit they let dogs lick peanut butter off their dick while extolling the virtues of objective values, or when some incoherent complain hurricane has a website called catholicsamurai.
they are special.
perspectives like theirs need to be treasured and appreciated.

this is like picking on belligerent 6 year olds, though.

[Girl Drink Drunk]

The guy was being a jackass and was asking for it. Simple as that.

[Abcdxxxx]

!!!!!

Genius. I hope you two post more often.

[mburbank]

Whichever one of you guessed slow day was right. No Vinth, no KittyKat. Frowny emoticon.

Seriously though, Abc hates me. I have to know why. I can't eat, I can't sleep. It's possible I wet myself. I think I might be in love. Actually he wasn't hardly on my radar until he started bein' all mean to me an' stuff. Even One and Only wasn't around. What's a guy supposed to do?

And that Jesus joke was classic. How dare he? What's funnier than crucifiction? OH! WAIT! TWO CRUCIFICTIONS!


Did I get it right? Can I go home now?

[Abcdxxxx]

did you say you were a unitarian, or just a uni-tard?

[Geggy]

Hey!

I'm curious abcdxxx do you remember the time you were the inspiration of my inventing a jewish doll with pull string attached so that every time I pull the string it would say "anti-semite!" over and over?

Well I've come up with 2 more dolls to add to the collection ever since. One is a deaf guy with a string attached that says "what?" over and over. Another is a black guy with a string attached that says "it's cuz I'm black!" over and over.

What do you think, eh?

Alright.

[Preechr]

So, Moses steps out of the boat, and he's all "Come on in, Jesus, the water's great!" So Moses is there, walking on the water looking all happy and stuff, and Jesus decides to walk on out there with him.

One step off the boat, however, and Jesus sinks to the bottom of the lake. "Must be those holes in your feet," says Moses.

That makes two.

[Preechr]

New gospel proves Jesus did the world's first nob gag

Jesus Christ was a practical joker who wore fake novelty breasts on the cross according to a newly discovered gospel.

The Gospel, written by a previously unknown disciple of Jesus called Alan, also proves the Jesus did the first ever nob gag. The amazing passage has Jesus telling a disciple “oohh look what’s that peeking out of the bottom of my robes”.

The new understanding of Jesus is at odds with the traditional image of him as a serious, spiritual man with a mission to teach love and understanding.

The Gospel of Alan also reveal that Jesus used a whoopee cushion at the last supper and would regularly use a joy buzzer when pretending to cure cripples.

“Jesus would move his hands over the legs of a crippled man and say ‘Pick up your bed and walk my son, you are cured’,” Scolar Richard Ham told us. “He’d then run out of the room giggling. The man would attempt to stand up but slump to the ground in agony,” Ham says.

Many of Jesus’ other practical jokes would climax with him emerging from a tent with a fake beard over his real beard, dressed like a donkey warden.

"He would crease up with laughter at his latest joke. It was never malicious though, he always tried to be very inclusive with his humour," Ham says.

The real reason Pilate ordered Jesus' crucifixion is also revealed – he’d put cellophane over his lavatory.

The new gospel is set to cause shockwaves around the world. Experts say it is the most important discovery about Jesus since a tablet found in 1934 proved he actually survived the crucifixion and went on to go bald.

"I think this new evidence about Jesus can only help to make him more appealing to today’s young people,” Ham claims. “ It adds a new fun side to Jesus that can only make him a better Messiah I reckon."

[Preechr]

The women who went to the tomb early this morning returned with an astonishing report. So astonishing that everyone who heard it thought their report was nonsense. It is important for us tonight to share in both of those emotions. Otherwise, we risk taking Jesus' resurrection for granted. Of course, Jesus rose from the dead. He said he would rise (as the men in dazzling garments reminded the women). He said he would rise, and he did. We have heard this from our youth, we have seen the paintings. We have read the Gospels and seen the movies. Like the sunrise and the early growth of springtime, we remember the resurrection and we are comfortable with it.

But No, we need to be astonished; we need to experience the same feelings as those who thought the news was nonsense, outrageous, impossible. One of the fun things about my mother was that you could retell her an old joke and she would laugh heartily. She never remembered jokes and so she delighted in hearing them all over again. She never took them for granted, never got used to them, never became bored with them. So it must be with us.

Everytime we hear the news of the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth we need to be astonished, amazed, delighted. It's like waking up and suddenly remembering it's our birthday, or that today is the first day of summer vacation - even though we already knew it when we fell asleep. In fact, that is a good way for us believers to hear the news of the resurrection. When we walked into church earlier tonight we were asleep, unconscious, distracted. But now we have heard the Allelujah, the Exultet, the Gloria, and the Good News of the Resurrection. Now we are finally awake; we are finally alive because of the Good News of Jesus' resurrection.

The Good News is never old news. God didn't create us once; God is creating us always. God didn't save us once; God is always saving us. Peter hustled himself out to the tomb that same morning and saw that it was empty. I wonder if Peter did that very same thing everyday from then on. That's what we should do. Every morning when we get up, we should run ourselves out to the tomb and peek inside. Wow. The tomb is empty. Allelujia. Jesus is raised from the dead.

If we did receive the Good News again with every new day, a whole lot of other things would also change for us. That is of course the reason for doing it: everything has indeed changed for us. Everything is new for us. Christ is risen: we are saved. Death no longer has the last word over us. Weakness and failure and sin no longer determine our future and we dare not let them determine our present.

This is the night, the Exultet sings, when the people of Israel escaped from slavery and passed throught the flood. This is the night when the pillar of fire guilded our ancestors into the Promised land. This is the night we were born, we were baptized, we were forgiven. This is the night when we will be received into heaven. St. Paul told us tonight that as we shared in Jesus' crucifiction at our baptism so are we united in Jesus' resurrection.

No more is it Jesus' resurrection that is nonsense, now it is nonsense to keep this Good News to ourselves. It is nonsense to remain fearful or depressed. Yes, things will still fall apart for us. Friends and family members will die. We will still miss opportunities to do good and sometimes we will choose to do things that are wrong. Evil and sadness in will seem to pile up our life as in a tomb. But the women will still come back from that tomb and report that they find it to be empty. \par \par Yes, it is nonsense. God's love for us does not make sense; it is a miracle, a gift, and always a surprise. Let it be a surprise again tomorrow and next week and next month. Jesus is risen from the dead. Alleluja!

[Preechr]

That's actually real: http://www.newarkabbey.org/docs/easter.htm

I didn't write that.

It's funny.