May 26th, 2004, 07:33 PM
How Alexander *really* Died . . . .
How Alexander *really* Died . . . .
Alexander stood above a crowd of cheering spectators, stroking his goatee, and trimming his moustache with some nail-clippers.
“I am but 32,” he cried. “AND I RULE!”
“The world,” he added a moment later, after the cheering had died down. “Anyway. To commemorate this event, I’m going to—”
The now-quiet auditorium was torn asunder by a reptilian roar.
“—have sex with a dragon!”
Seventeen short Persians dragged the dragon onto the stage, and the audience held their breath in admiration. It was covered in green, scaly flesh, and had wild yet intelligent eyes, which darted in every direction, searching for a way to escape the seventeen short Persians that surrounded it, carrying dangerous-looking poking sticks.
“Now . . .” said Alexander. “Now . . . umm. Fuck. What do I do now?”
One of the Persians whispered something into his ear.
“Aaaah,” he explained to the audience. “I must first make the dragon horny!”
Hence he crawled under the dragon’s fat belly and began running his hands up and down its massive penis. The dragon rose what would have been an eyebrow if he had had one.
“Little dwarf man,” said the dragon, in a deep, growling voice. “What are you doing to my penis?”
“I’m jacking you off!” cried Alexander, exasperated. He was already beginning to feel very tired.
“You’re not very good at that, are you?”
Alexander’s face became a mask of fury. “I am the BEST at that! My eunuch told me so.”
“Your eunuch lied—”
“FUCK YOU, DRAGON,” cried Alexander, finally letting go of the draconian phallus.
“I thought you wanted ME to fuck YOU,” said the dragon, raising another imaginary eyebrow.
“Yes,” said Alexander. “I do . . . to commemorate the event, of course . . . heh . . . heh.”
“Nay,” said the dragon. “You just want my dragon cock up your ass. I’ve met people like you before. Once your bleeding colon is dripping with my semen, you won’t want to talk to me EVER again. It’ll be the end of our relationship. It’s all you ever want. Sex, sex, sex.”
The dragon sighed, and a huge, salty tear appeared at the corner of one of his eyes. A pitying ‘Awwww’ ran through the audience.
“Don’t AWWW him!” cried Alexander. “I RULE YOU.”
The audience shut up.
“Anyway, dragon—”
“I have a name, you know,” said the dragon.
“I don’t care, I—”
“It’s Clarence. A very nice name, don’t you think? My mother . . .”
“Shut up and fuck me!” screamed Alexander, hopping up and down in agitation.
“Well, I don’t know . . .” said the dragon. “Do you have protection? I don’t want a disease or anything.”
“Protection? I have seventeen Persians with pointy sticks! What more protection do I need?!”
“I was talking about contraceptives, you stupid, little . . .”
“I AM NOT STUPID,” roared Alexander, grabbing a pointy stick from the nearest Persian. “I RULE!”
The audience made a strange ‘Oooohm!’ sound.
“And you shut up,” spat Alexander, spinning round and baring his teeth. He turned back to the dragon. “Now stick that seventeen foot long cock up my colon!”
“You know, you’ll probably die if I do that,”
“DO IT DO IT DO IT!”
The dragon came up behind Alexander, and pressed his scaly phallus against his backside. The warm, erect phallus was already dripping when it pressed against Alexander’s rear, and Alexander let out a short ‘ooh’ of pleasure. 2 seconds later, he was dead.
“OK,” said Bagoas, climbing onto the stage. “If anybody asks, he died of a fever.”
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