This is a true story. When I was in Navy A-School in Maryland I had a roommate named Todd. We were pretty cool; we'd go to Camden frequently and we both had a good time drinking. We even went halves on a pet fish but were later instructed that pets were not permitted in the barracks and we had to flush him. The empty fish bowl sat on our mini-fridge and served as a reminder of the once third member of our gang.
Todd had been dating the same girl for over 6 years. They had a child together and I never understood why they didn't just tie the knot. They were crazy about each other.
Anyway. Our room was split down the middle by two giant wardrobe cabinets. I slept on the far side, Todd slept closest to the door.
Over the few months that we shared a room, Todd and his girl would frequently stumble in late at night, drunk and enamored, waking me from my slumber. I'd resort to burying my face in a pillow and trying to think of anything other than the sounds of them sloppily boning on the other side of our 6' partition. My pillow rarely muffled the noise.
One evening I had enough. As usual they came busting in the door at 2:00 a.m. when I had to be up in three hours. They were knocking shit over and talking dirty, but they were wasted, so it ended sounding quite peculiar. "I'm gonna' suck your ass!" "Oh yeah? We'll I'm gonna' ride you like a chicken!"
I ambled out of bed and walked over to turn on the light and give them both a piece of my mind. En route to the switch I started yelling, "For the love of Christ can't you two just..."
As I turned on the light, I saw something that has since burned itself in to my memory so deep an acid bath couldn't cure.
Todd lay on the bed, fully clothed, holding our fish bowl on his chest. His girlfriend, totally naked sans high heels, was squatting over the bowl and taking a shit in the bowl.
He was astounded. I was astounded. However we were not astounded for the same reasons. The look of amazement on Todd's face is what still haunts me to this day. That and the image of her ripe rear pointing in my face. And when I say I saw her ass, I SAW HER ASS. I could practically see her intestines.
She immediately dropped on the bed and covered up and Todd starting yelling drunken orders. I spun around in a state of bewilderment, jumped under my covers and did everything in my power to create some sort of barrier from the freakish events that now sullied my innocence. Although I don't recall, I imagine that my eyes were shut tight, my hands clasping my ears while I rocked myself and hummed.
In the morning (which didn't come soon enough) Todd approached me alone and asked me if I wanted to talk about what happened. I told him, "I never want to speak about this for the rest of my life." And I didn't. He insisted, I persistently insisted otherwise.
Fortunately for me I graduated a few weeks later and left Todd behind with a new roommate.
I never spoke with him again. The last time I saw him he was staring at me, grinning from ear to ear.
True story.
I don't get it. I mean, why did they fuck with the formula? Where are the car songs? There's only one song about surfing and it's a downer!
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