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Marc Summers · #1

I've been feeling really down the past few months. I've noticed that I'm losing interest in things I used to be really enthusiastic about, and I'm starting to distance myself from other people. It seems that all I can think about is how people have treated me like shit in the past, and specific scenes from my life keep playing over and over in my head.

A few examples:

I'm already a pretty shy guy in real life. Both my parents keep nagging me to grow a backbone, be more assertive, that kinda thing. One day, I was out job hunting, and my Dad pretty much wanted to hold my hand the whole way. This was going to be the second job I would have. I was thoroughly embarassed the whole time, and I really didn't want to ask for applications with my Dad standing behind me the whole time. He was really frustrated, and at the end of the day he pretty much cussed at me the whole drive home for not having any balls. When I explained that hey I'm a teenager, it should be obvious that I get embarassed with my parents hovering around me in public, he said it wasn't any excuse and that I should get over it.

I don't remember this, but both my parents have told me that when I was really little (5 or younger), my uncles used to beat me up until I cried in order to "toughen me up".

All of my family, immediate or not, treats me like I haven't hit puberty yet. At family gatherings, all the people a generation above me are asking me why I'm not doing the same thing that the kids 5+ years younger than me are doing (Why aren't you swimming? Did you forget your swimsuit? Why aren't you playing video games? I thought you liked those!) And they still seat me at the kids table. And I'm 20.

I have a brother 2 years younger than me. We get into stupid petty arguemts and fights all the time, but he usually wins them because he's 2 inches taller and 60 pounds heavier. It has just really pissed me off lately.

I won this major major award in high school for music. Basically our school district has auditions between the 4 or 5 high school bands, and picks out the best players among them to form an honor band. I came in first for my instrument 2 years straight, and was basically given their largest award for that. It basically meant that out of all bands in our district (about 400+ people in all), they thought I was the best. Immediately, when they called my name in front of the audience before intermission, I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I thought "There are so many other people who are better than me...why me? I really don't deserve this." Then I imagined the whole ensemble shooting daggers at me. They probably weren't, but I know that the trumpet player behind me constantly told me that I suck during the practices, which probably had something to do with it. On the way home, my Mom told me that she couldn't believe that I won, and that when they announced the runner-ups first and didn't hear my name, she thought I didn't win anything and was momentarily disappointed.

My maternal grandpa thinks I'm an utter failure because I didn't get into USC like he and his father did. I don't know what he thinks about my Mom, then.

I'm really afraid of getting what I want for fear of getting other people angry at me, so I end up being lonely, frustrated, and just really shy around others. Then I basically call myself names and beat myself up over really small mistakes I've made. Then I have this idiotic argument about pity and why I'm like this. I don't enjoy having people pity me. It just feels greedy and self-centered. But I know that saying that I don't want any pity because it's greedy and for self-gratification is just evoking more of it. So I just keep it to myself and pretend everything is ok.

So, this is just barely scratching the surface, and it's the my emotions been building up over many years. I don't know when or where or even if I'm going to have a public outburst. There are just too many times where I just want to shout "ALL OF YOU CAN JUST FUCK OFF" at some gathering and drive off to who knows where. I do know, however, that bottling these emotions just make it worse, and I've noticed that it's starting to affect my health lately.

It's really hard to articulate how and why I'm feeling like this, but hey it's the best I can do.

Fuck

EDIT: Oh and just for the record I fucking hate emos. I can't stand them or their black mascara tears running down their face into their Hot Topic piercings.

Pub Lover · #2

You're 20, you're no longer a teenager. I know in your fucked up country that 21 is the adult age, but 20 is not teen.

You couldn't do something because your dad was there?

I agree with your parents. Grow some balls.

If your family is always down on you, like you say, then move out.

Oh, and that thing about you being beaten up by your uncles is a shitty thing to have happened and you probably have emotional trauma or something.

P.S. Please disregard my life when considering this advice.

DamnthatDavid · #3

Aye, move out. Use those awards you recived in band to get into a school that focuses on the arts.

If that doesn't work out, go join the military.
For military hang-ups. WHO GIVES A SHIT. It will get you the hell out of the house. And 4 years (or longer depending) isn't that much of life. If you invest money wisely, you won't be in a shithole when you get out. The world is full of possiblities, and sometimes you have to take the shit to get to the gold nugget that damn leperchan just crapped out.

College money in some places. Go join the military band.

Marc Summers · #4

I am on my own, and in college, but my parents refusal to pay a cent has caused me to, well, be in debt. Both of them wonder why I don't go to the community college back at home and just get a shitty job there, but at the same time they don't want me freeloading :/

I still visit and crap, but they still don't treat me any differently than they had when I was in high school...

executioneer · #5

grow a beard it worked for me

AChimp · #6

Show your parents that you have balls by telling them to go fuck themselves in front of a whole bunch of people.

MetalMilitia · #7

I kind of know how you feel in that I also never think I'm good enough for anything. But I think most people feel that way.

If you are not living at home, why bother visiting your parents? I mean if they cause you that much stress you may as well distance yourself from them for a while. Show them you can get along just fine without them.

However I think an alltogether better solution would be to confront them. Tell them you are tierd of their constant criticism and belittlement. What's the worst that can happen? They'll get mad at you? Fuck it. It's not like you depend on them to feed and shelter you anymore.

Fathom Zero · #8

I genuinely love my mother but I have a hatred for my father and I'd tell him to fuck off if I didn't feel obligated to love him.

You know that you should tell them to leave you alone, but at the same time, you feel that you can't. I hate that feeling.

Terra · #9

Dude. Look, your pretty awesome. Don't listen to your fucking family when your own self esteem is going to be up for barter. As much as they love you, they'll run your life down if you allow them to at this age. Take what they have given you, good or bad, at face value. As much as it sucks, the way your family treats you is going to be pretty similar to the way the world treats you. That means that it is all life lessons. The moment you take it out of that context and learn from it is the moment you can overcome it.

The ONLY thing your family has for you, in their own dysfucntional way, is that they do LOVE you and the world won't give you that.

Time to move onward and create your own path.

Oh. Go get laid, too. Man, that will change your whole outlook.

Marc Summers · #10

Ya, I do love my parents (not unwillingly). I do have a good time when I visit, which is why I do it. However, I'm probably going to ask them to stop nagging me about every last detail of my life next time they bring it up.

And ya, I do probably need to get laid

I saw a Brazilian flick last night at the independent movie theater. I didn't know anything about it, but it was the only movie that wasn't about global warming, electric cars, or futuristic thought police. It ended up being pretty good, and there was sex everywhere, and then there were a few barfights. It was kinda cool, and I made damn sure that the fact that I was literally the only person in the theater not get me down. Then I came back to find my 3 roommates still playing either WoW or Guild Wars (neither of which I play nor am interested in), and realized that I'm probably the only person who leaves the apartment at least once a day. So I guess I'm not hopeless after all :/

executioneer · #11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Terra

Oh. Go get laid, too. Man, that will change your whole outlook.

GEE WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT *slaps forehead*

DamnthatDavid · #12

Its the beard. It eats brainstems to live.

Terra · #13

ya willie. shave and breathe man. let the o2 course through the gray matter

executioneer · #14

no way dude

Terra · #15

i dunno you wear a beard so well

oxygen is way overrated

executioneer · #16

i look like i'm nine without a beard

Terra · #17

i couldn't imagine you without a beard willie

executioneer · #18

lol

executioneer · #19

LESS-HORRIFIC PICTURE:

of course it is also about 4 years ago so THAT DOESNT HELP ANY

Terra · #20

willie you have the prettiest eyes i have ever seen in the whole WORLD!

i shit you not

Seven Force · #21

I disagree with everyone in this thread.

Grow a backbone and be more assertive. You OCD having gameshow hosting motherfucker.

executioneer · #22

i really dunno what advice to give but i agree you're better off not wasting your life playing mmorpgs

Krythor · #23

Okay you can drop the mr. show references now sevenforce.

maggiekarp · #24

Willie, I scrolled past your picture and my brother asked "who is that angry child on the internet", so you may be right about the beard

If you really were the only guy in the theater then, that could have been awesome. You could have talked and walked around and yelled at the screen. Fun times, y'know?

I suck at advice, but it's a damn shame for a cool dude such as yourself to be all unhappy.