Aug 24th, 2003, 02:22 PM
My first column of the fall semester :hat
Ok, so here's the deal: every year, my school's paper puts out a freshman issue, since the freshmen move in a few days earlier than everybody else so we put out a short "welcome to hell" type newspaper before we put out the first real one. I didn't have to write anything, since I'm not going to move in early just to put a fake newspaper together, and also cause I won't get paid, but I wrote something anyway. I think it's really funny, as has everybody I've shown it too, but I think it's really depressing and just kind of creepy. Particle board, HOORJ!!
Hello freshmen! My name is Chris Becker, and I'm the editor of the Advance-Titan's LighterSide, the section of the paper that's so funny, you won't ever get any of the jokes no matter how bad you want to.
If you are reading this, you must have recently started the wild and wacky world of higher education known as UW Oshkosh. In this space that would be better used to advertise drinking establishments and adult bookstores, I hope to introduce you to life here at Oshkosh and offer a few helpful hints as you struggle vainly to adapt to living with a total stranger in a room the size of a bathtub.
But first, I realize that not everybody reading this column is a freshman, as some unlucky upperclassman might accidentally see this while using copies of the A-T to line a basement floor so that vomit might be easily disposed of.
Thus, for the convenience of all non-freshmen reading this who might not know exactly what a freshman is, I'll try and give a brief and barely adequate definition of one.
The freshmen are a proud and industrious race with a long history of traditional customs and a complex social structure The freshmen use their strong, trunk-like legs to flee from predators and their rows of flat, molar-like teeth to chew rough foliage.
Freshmen nests are often under constant attack by lizards, who happen to find freshmen eggs to be a delicacy. Luckily, the freshmen are able to ward off the lizards by shooting a stream of venom out of their tear ducts.
There. Now when you see a person walking aimlessly around campus holding a faded, folded-up schedule trying to find room number 9:10 - 10:10, you'll know not to try and eat that person's eggs lest you want a face full of eye venom.
However, the point of this column is not to inform people about eye venom. The point of this column is to give me something to put on my resume besides convicted felon (rim shot!). For all you confused and lonely freshmen, here are some tips for enjoying your time at Oshkosh as much as is legally possible.
1. Never leave your dorm room.
The world outside your dorm room is scary and mean. Only go outside to go to class, and even then never talk to anybody you don't know, and especially never accept candy or a ride in a car from someone you don't know.
2. Change your major at least four times.
Everybody else is doing it. Don't you want to be popular and fit in?
3. Always go to class, but never read the book
Most people seem to think that they can pass a class by never going to the class and just reading the book. The people who think this are morons. Textbooks are longer and more boring than phonebooks, dictionaries and assembly instruction manuals for particle board furniture. Except phonebooks, dictionaries, and furniture instruction manuals don't cost as much as a used car in fairly good condition.
4. Become good friends with your roommate.
That way, the police will never suspect you, even if you botch it up and leave your fingerprints all over the murder weapon.
5. Constantly reassure yourself that there will be plenty of job openings when you graduate for philosophy majors.
Or whatever the hell you're majoring in. And don't think I'm joking just because everything else in this column is a lie. I know from firsthand experience. I cry myself to sleep every night because there are never any ads in the want ads asking for a callous, bitter jerk to write sarcastic and abusive columns.
6. Read the Advance-Titan every week (especially the LighterSide).
My unique brand of irreverent humor will be the only ray of sunshine in your soon to be bleak and abysmal lives, and is quite possibly the only thing that will prevent you from dropping out of school to pursue a lucrative career in the grocery bagging industry.
7. Learn to like ramen noodles.
Since ramen noodles will soon be the only food you'll be able to afford (before you even ask: yes, even bread will be out of your price range) you'd better get used to the taste of wood pulp mixed with water and powdered bile.
8. Don't expect to graduate in less than eight years.
If you're anything like most college students, you'll change your major more times than you change your hairstyle and you'll fail more classes than you pass. You think you'll graduate in four years? That would be pretty tough once you become an alcoholic and have to take two years off after you get pregnant or get someone pregnant.
You think that's depressing? That'ss nothing. Here's the depressing part: after four and a half years here, I'll graduate with a double major. And I'm so dumb, I wear shoes with Velcro straps because I haven't yet learned how to tie shoelaces without breaking my thumbs in the process.
So even if you study hard and avoid anything fun for four years just so you can graduate before you turn 30, some idiot will not only graduate with twice as many degrees as you, but also will graduate with better grades than you, just because that idiot was good at guessing at multiple choice exams. And that's the real lesson you learn at college: no matter how hard you try, you'll always finish behind some idiot because life is unfair.
Thus on that happy note I would like to say "have a fun and safe year!"
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That's the funniest thing i read all week.
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