Create-a-Joe

[Zbu Manowar]

Okay, now here's your chance to create your own G.I. Joe! Just write out a filecard (like on the back of the 3 3/4 inch figures) to your Joe!

CODE NAME: Malt Liquor
PRIMARY SPECIALITY: Liquid Explosives/Biology
SECONDARY SPECIALITY: Odorous Deterrants and Psychological Warfare

Malt Liquor grew up in a middle-upper class suburb but thanks to a lack of disclipline and a mind as thick as concrete, he soon ruined every opportunity for himself and ended up living on his own at eighteen. After discovering you can't simply live on selling your bellybutton lint and acting like a slob, he was tossed out into the ghetto. Fifty years later, half mad by a steady diet of cocaine, cheap liquor, and cheaper women, he happened to trip Cobra Commander and was awarded with the Key to the City...which was taken back immediately during his weekly beating by the cops. Nowadays, instead of sleeping naked on sewer grates for warmth, he sleeps naked somewhere in Joe Headquarters...often scaring the hell out of Lady Jaye.

"Jesus Christ! I thought it smelled bad when I hid in a heap of dead in Korea, but this motherfucker makes Gung-Ho's tikka farts smell like Old Spice! But beneath that layer of grime and lowered expectations beats the heart of a man who probably won't reach 70. Through you wouldn't know it, he's our best surveilliance operative next to Chuckles. Who the fuck suspects a feces-covered wino who can barely talk? Well, we can't, but we can't get rid of him without him crying and trying to keep his discounted frayed plaid pants on. It's only a 40 of MGD a week, he leaves us alone, and Lady Jaye can finally see again. And let's face it, if worst comes to worst, he can be the best human shield this side of Baghdad!"

[Zbu Manowar]

CODE NAME: Fuck Viper
PRIMARY SPECIALITY: Decoy Specialist.
SECONDARY SPECIALITY: Torture/Pain Management

Cobra's attempts to disrupt order and government are a wide spectrum from tax evasion, laundering funds, general chaos, and even trolling message boards. Deciding the best way to cause widespread confusion is to completely fuck with everybody, even to the point of absolute pettiness. While most Vipers have their own specialities and the downfalls to them, Fuck Vipers are remarkable for being completely unlikable and downright smelly.

"Fuck Vipers have one rule: no face to face contact. Usually the five of them are shut in a closet the size of a meat locker with five computers with their caps lock key glued down. At first, Fuck Vipers are the damned until they go plum insane and start bitching about weird ass shit. They're Cobra's really cheap way to fuck with people's minds: it costs five dollars for a lifetime supply of ho-hos and cola and these sad fucks are set for life. Just one word of advice: don't open the door. For fuck's sake, you don't know what a 600 pound fucker who hasn't gotten up in five months for a shit or a bath smells like!"

[James]

Apparently, Malt Liquor's real name is Cliff Yablonski!

[Zbu Manowar]

Sorry, I tried to find a bum or a homeless guy pic through Goggle and all I found were these ones that were facedown in gutters and weren't 'railroad trampy' enough to be the pic for Malt Liquor. So, Cliff has to be a placeholder until I learn to draw or Photoshop a Dreadnok fifty years older.

[OrganSplitter]

can someone direct me to a G.I. Joe website that has everything ever made and all the characters.........also i had this car from G.I. Joe that looked like a Mad Max ripoff it had a Camaro type front end and a jet engine in the back anyone know what it was called

[Zbu Manowar]

Yo Joe!

Sounds like the Dreadnoks vehicle that was driven by Thrasher. Don't know the name, through.

[ArrowX]

Dude that was the thunder machine

CODE NAME: WOOD CHIP
Primary Specialty: Stealth
Secondary Specialty: Strange Afliction With Shipwreck

Wood Chip Is perhaps one of the greatest if not the best stealth expert on earth capable of almost literaly dissapeatin while standing behind a HISS. One of his strangest skills is most likeley his ability to paint and carve a cardboard look-alike of shipwreck in less thatn 88.92 seconds and his personal customised vehicle the I-Scream truck he uses this to sneak up on unsuspecting joes gain their trus then he Shanghais them and locks them into the back and "Interrogates Them" and on that note: the only Joe who he has abducted was Shipwreck.....35 times.