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Perndog · #1

My roommate confronted me today and basically told me that he doesn't like the way I live, and I should change. He thinks I should watch more TV and read less books so I'll be more in tune with pop culture and able to have conversations about asinine television shows with people. He says people are afraid of me and sometimes won't come hang out with him if they know I'm home. Because I don't pay attention to most of his friends, and you know being ignored is really frightening. He thinks I need to have more of a social life (read: go out and do "new" things like watch baseball even if I've done them before and been bored by them) and act more normal so people will like me, nevermind how many friends I already have and how little I want to hang out with his kind of people.

Oh, and he's also personally offended by my calling George Bush an idiot. Because GWB is our president, after all, and he deserves everyone's respect just for holding that office.

Since laughing at him or calling him out for being a tool would not be good for peaceful living conditions, I had to sit there for AN HOUR while he bitched. Now he's happy that he finally got the balls to confront me, and he thinks I'm going to make an honest effort to change myself. I'm irritated and feeling more anti-social than ever.

Will someone come kick my roommate in the teeth?

Anonymous · #2

Kicking your fucktard roomate in the teeth would be be too kind.

Try this instead:

Kick him repeatedly in the balls until he bleeds from his urethra, then shove saxaphone reeds under his fingernails.

That should solve your problem.

DJ Potatoe · #3

If that doesn't work, you can always refer to Image A: The "Snapping Eel Back-handed Strike Lock" for better precision in room-mate hatred-osity.

But if that doesn't work....just talk about the president needing a good weapon of mass destruction shoved up his butthole....then we can reinstate Clinton (God, he was great).

Mike · #4

I dreamt about doing this to one of my professors one night. Maybe it'll give you some ideas:

Break a glass bottle and holding onto the neck of the bottle, screw it into his back repeatedly while dousing him in salt. Take two airhorns and let them loose directly over both his ears. If his eardrums haven't popped, take em out with chopsticks. Cut his eyelids off so that he can't close his eyes and the eyeballs dry out. Kick him down a long flight of stairs and when he hits the bottom slice off the top of his skull and piss on his brain. If he's still alive force thumb tacks into his skin until he begs you to kill him. Then cut off his arms and legs and leave him right next to some train tracks (but not on them, that way he'll have to wiggle onto them if he wants to commit suicide). Check on him the next day and if he's still not dead, cut him open and extract his stomach and some intestines. Take these various organs, tie them around his neck and fed-ex him to George Bush as a little congratulations-on-being-a-total-fucktard present.

Everything except for the GWB present idea was in an actual dream of mine. I scare myself.

Anonymous · #5

Wow, that sounds more fun than skull fucking a one eyed midget clown, while flying an airplane into a building.

Drev · #6

Pretend he's an Iraqui and make him listen to Metallica/Barney. I fthat doesn't work, see if you can rent a bear that is trained to rape people. I don't need to explain the latter steps.

FS · #7

Next time his friends come over, first act real cheerful, social-like and hospitable. Then maybe while you're laughing at their jokes, suddenly fall to the floor and pretend you're having a seizure. If possible, have something liquid black in your mouth and slowly drool it onto the floor as you're flailing about.

Your roommate will think it's all his fault for making you act nice.

glowbelly · #8

invite your friends over for a quiet reading party where you ignore everyone including yourselves.

Spectre X · #9

Act like he wants you to, only really overdone. Like when he's talking to his friends, you should suddenly start shouting about how 'friends' was last night etc. and start jumping around and shaking everybody up and yelling about how awesome Bush is in their ears.

Vibecrewangel · #10

Next time you start getting the lecture, turn on the TV and start watching some really vapid show. I suggest Joe Millionaire. When asked if you are listening say "SSSssssshhhhhh TV" and gesture to the screen with the remote. Be sure to lean forward and stare intently at the screen as if this were the most facinating thing ever.

I'm a firm believer in giving some people EXACTLY what they ask for. :evilsmile

DJ Potatoe · #11

I'm still a firm believer in Clinton being awesome.

Anonymous · #12

Start watching more TV, but only watch the History and Discovery Channels. If your roommate tries to speak up, just tell him to be quiet and watch the hour long program about deep sea detectives.

Ninjavenom · #13

Mail Call rules :o

kellychaos · #14

Order lots of porn sex on TV and invite him to watch with you while staring lustfully into his eyes ... you may even find one with "Bush" in the title. Two birds with one stone. :shrug

Bennett · #15

When his friends are over reply to nearly everything that each one says... even if you have nothing interesting or amusing to add, actually especially if you have nothing to add.
then get an accomplice to say "no." after everything you say. everyone will hate you, and you will have so much time to yourself that you'll start hanging out with them and driving them insane by behaving such, "just for fun."

Anonymous · #16

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ninjavenom

Mail Call rules :o

Precisely, when the roommate tells you that he wants to watch something else, inform him that there already is a "best damn show on TV" and that his puny programs pale in comparison.

Evil Robot · #17

If you want, you can give me the phone number to your dorm room so I can make repeted harrasing phone calls to your roomate. Lets see what happens when a "doctor" calls up and tells him is mother has died in a car accident.

Big Papa Goat · #18

Don't you go to a christian college? And aren't you a satanist? Shouldn't you expect friction?

pissed off salesman · #19

Fill his closet (or wherever he keeps his personal stuff) full of gay porn. Then spray elmers glue allover his undergarments, and pants. Finally get some pictures of george dubya and add monsterously large genitilia to them, and throw them on his bed. The final step is to invite his friends over, and enjoy.

Drev · #20

the salesman made me lol

Perndog · #21

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. Particularly the "careful what you wish for" ones...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Papa Goat

Don't you go to a christian college? And aren't you a satanist? Shouldn't you expect friction?

Most Satanists have enough of a survival sense to not shout to the world what they are, especially if they're in the kind of place I am. If everyone knew I was a Satanist, I would have some people physically avoiding me in the halls, some people using whatever means necessary to convert me, and more people questioning my mental health, not to mention my scholarship. But yeah, I should expect friction just for being snide, anti-social, and arrogant. Doesn't mean I can't get pissed off when people act stupid.

The Retro Kat · #22

You're a satanist? God you suck.

(There's a joke in there, if you can find it)

Anonymous · #23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perndog

Oh, and he's also personally offended by my calling George Bush an idiot. Because GWB is our president, after all, and he deserves everyone's respect just for holding that office.

Bush sucks. Gore sucks. Any one on the ballot sucks.

If you voted for any of those dumbasses you should be shot. Anarchy, guns and violence rule.