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Spooky · #1

Ahem, I was bored, and decided to write random thoughts down on what I'd do if I was in selected popular horror movies, and here's what i came up with so far. It's not done yet, but give it a read, and don't be too harsh on it's level of suck.

Quote:

Now, I wouldn’t say I’m the all knowing king of horror movies, because I’m not. I like to think I am, though. I really do. You’ll often find me at the local video store, browsing through the horror isle, not renting anything because I owe too much damned money in late fees to the joint. BUT I STILL READ THE BOXES.

Through my years of hardcore research, I’ve found a flaw to most horror flicks. Granted, it takes a lot of fun out of watching anything, but what can you do? There’s so much obvious in these films that it hurts my head. I’d like to hurt your head, too, but in a nice way, so I present to you, the unanswered questions of horror movies. Now, before you read through all of these, I’ll beat you to a punch here: YES, QUITE A FEW OF THE FOLLOWING COMMENTS ARE OF THE “IN REAL LIFE, OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE WOULD DO *insert thing here* AND IT WOULD STOP THE BAD GUY” VARIETY. I also know that you could easily say “If they did it that way, the movie would be done in a half hour.” To that, I say “BAH HUMBUG”, because, well, I like saying bah humbug. Shut up.

To begin, I’ll go to the obvious. Vampire movies. They’re a dime a dozen, like slashers, but not many are too good. However, this is irrelevant. Why are everyone stupid assholes when fighting vampires? The only two examples where they fought the vampires the right way were From Dusk ‘till Dawn, and Lost Boys. I mean, hell, if I was caught in a vampire invasion, I’d sit in a room covered in black light, with a super soaker full of holy water. If I were a cop, I’d be carving crosses in my bullets. Instead, in movies like “John Carpenters Vampires” everyone’s trying to be the hero and stake these guys. Fuck being the hero, it makes more sense to survive.

Now, onto something that isn’t a genre, but needs to be touched. I’ve seen every Freddy film there is, countless times, and while they are up there as personal favorites, I don’t understand why these kids don’t have the imagination to fight Mr. Kreuger. I mean, granted, anything you dream up, he’d fuck with and use against you, but not if you had some damn strong will and a good imagination. Due to copyright laws, obviously, there has never been someone who could actually fuck Freddy up. I mean, if you were
being attacked, wouldn’t you do the obvious, and dream Freddy’s head exploding? Or better yet, dream up a massive tag-team of Leatherface, Jason, Pinhead, and Michael Meyers to lynch mob his ugly ass? I would.

As far as slashers go, Jason Voorhees is my all-time favorite. Hell, I’m named after him, because my parents are sick in the head. Now, as far as him and Michael go, I’d personally just find a way to blow them up. I know, it failed horribly when done to Jason. TWICE. However, they went about it all wrong. You blow either of the said killers up, throw the remains through a meat grinder, and cut the meat-wads up into 50 chunks, sending one to each U.S. state, where they put light the chunk on fire until cooked, and then put it in a blender with some milk, until liquid, and flush it down the toilet. Let’s see anyone get up from that.

Well, maybe Pinhead could get up from it, but I wouldn’t fuck with Pinhead anyways, I’d just kill myself and hope I went to Heaven.