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Professor Cool · #1

Im taking this creative writing class twice a week. I have been always tol that i have a nack for writing. And I guess writing was always something to fall back on, anyhow, we have this assignment to make a short story. It has to be based on a best day in our lives or a worst day in our lives, the teacher agreed it could be fictional, even though my story is based on real experiences. I choose the downbeat of the too. Personally, I liked some criticism, suggestons, opinions, anything please. It's sort of long so I apologize..

Cans
By Brandon Joseph

I have always slept face down, I always haved and always will. To shield me from light and into the darkness, the darkness never ask anything from you and your always welcomed.
Crap........morning, you never fail to disappoint me

I jauntily stumble around my cold kitchen, well if you consider a sink, an icebox, and a small drawer with food in it a kitchen. I'm carrying a bunch of cans from my bedroom, and I start empting these half-filled cans.

But no matter, it seems like a it's going to be a better day, sure I have work but Wednesdays are reasonably slow. Then at 3, I get an job interview, it's a simple job, all it takes is simple knowledge of the internet and Microsoft Works, the classifies didn't say specifically what I'm doing, but it's double the money I get at that dank video store, the place seldom gets people in and out during the day shift, it's not that popular, but the job was open so of course I took it. I wish I got the graveyard shift, which you do basically nothing without any supervision, only having to wait on either A) Porn Junkies or B) People who don't own or can't program clocks. But, in such luck some people already have that shift. So "sucks for me". Well who cares, if I get the job I wont give a damn about that failure of an entertainment provider.

There's writing on the counter, it seems to be etched in in there, but since the countertop is black I can barely read it. "excuse me" Dammit, it's really hard to tell, I see a "w" I think. "Ahem...Sir" Maybe it's a "m" am I'm looking at it wrong..."HEY!" this greasy being bellows at me, "I'd like some service. I Love to hate people like this. I snap the tape out of his hands. "What a surprise, Faces of Death.." I mutter. "This one's number 4, this stuff is supposed to be 100% percent real!" Sure I could respond with some kind of retort, I just give him a look and he gets flustered. "5 dollars, it's due Monday." We make our transaction and I give him the tape, as he waddles out I say "Enjoy yourself." then I her him grumble "Faggot..." I begin to laugh but then interrupted by another nerd who is renting a old WWF video. After I'm done with him I look out at the remaining customers. They are all in juxtapose by the new releases, swaying back and froth for a movie, like a line dance. It's sort of hypnotiz.......BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!. I look left, a little brat is trying to walk out with a movie. "Stop right there you little bastard!" What did I say.....crap huge error. "How dare you yell at my son" this 30 something mother says to me. Then comes Jim, the manager. "What seems to be the problem......"

SUSPENDED, I thought I was out of that in school, that scrawny brat suspended me for a week for "offending the customers" I guess I'm supposed to "think about what I have done and find out a better solution to handle the situation." Oh well, I'm pretty certain I'll be out of here, sort of certain, kind of certain.....

"well...I'm good with computer." I reply as I give a half assed smile. The guy stares at me, it's a blank soul-less stare, I think he waiting for me to kiss his ass. "Your current job is a video store clerk" he says in a way of confusion. "Yeah, I work the computer there though." I say with a forced laugh.......he's not amused. 5 minutes into the interview and my fate with the future of this little company of theirs is sealed."Well, thank you for coming in, we'll contact you in the near future." I thought then, the future will be the present later, no technically it's never the future. So he basically blew me off right then and there.

"Not only did you got in trouble in your current job, and your certain that you lost the job in the interview." Sarah says with annoyance. "Pretty much" I say as I look down. I never noticed this carpeting before. "Your gonna be unemployed, your gonna be on the streets, I'm certain." She reminds me too much of my mother. "You know nothing" I say. I was irritated now, she always put me down for my shortcomings ever since we've been together. I know I would of broke up with her, if I didn't need her company. Alot of my old friends has moved from the city, the other died of an overdose. So I basically have only her right now, See has my loneliness in her hands, in a glass box. "This isn't going to work anymore, it just isn't, I've been thinking about this for a long time, I need someone else." She dropped the box. "were through, I'm sorry, but......yeah I just can't anymore. The glass shatters across the floor. She runs into her bathroom crying. I'm silent, I want to yell, I want to say all these things that I never dared to say cause I know it would her feelings, I felt like I wanted to kill her inside, make her empty like she just did to me. But I just see my self quietly, walk out the door, down to my car, and drive back to my house. Contradictory to what I should of done. I hate her so god damn much or should I say "I hate that I need her so god damn much."

I'm outside my apartment. The earth is playing another big rock show here in Chicago, the rain makes loud smacks on the concrete, The wind blows making a cool whistling sound, while the thunder strikes another loud cord. The lighting is the best pyrotechnics the world can provide. The songs sounds sad and pathetic, and in a weird way this song I think, is about me. A depressing ballad for the one down on their luck.

The phone mocks my with it's silence, it knows I'm waiting. Waiting for the boss to call and say to come in Thursday, the jerk off from the interview to say "You're the only one valid enough for the job", or my girlfriend called to simply say sorry, None of it is happening, and Im the only one to blame for this. What should have been a great day just kicked me to the ground, and is repeatedly beating me with pound after pound, and this phone, this wait, is going to finish me off. All I can do is get rid of these half-empty cans.

James · #2

What's pretty funny is I read this while I'm watching Clerks.

Not to sound mean, but I'm trying to figure out where to begin, and how to go about giving help. There's a handful of grammatical errors, and a couple of areas that might need to be slightly reworded. Maybe it'd be better for you to go through again and pick out the ones you see, and then leave the rest for your teacher to show you (after all, you're in that class for a reason). It'd be a lot harder for me to point them out on here.

So I think I'll just point out a few things:

You need to work on your scene transitions. This is a story, not a movie. You don't give any hint that the scene has just changed to a different location until someone puts 2 and 2 together a couple sentences in.

Also, I think that when it comes to conversation in a story, the spoken text should be a separate paragraph. Like this:

"Not only did you got in trouble in your current job, and you're certain that you lost the job in the interview," Sarah says with annoyance.

"Pretty much," I say as I look down. I never noticed this carpeting before.

"You're gonna be unemployed. You're gonna be on the streets. I'm certain."

"The earth is playing another big rock show here in Chicago." This line needs to be redone, because I honestly don't know if it's a metaphor or if The Earth is an actual band.

Everything else is just things like "your" should be "you're," periods should be commas, and that kind of thing.

Professor Cool · #3

Yah i noticed problems like that, i deleted some parts cause some of my sentences came out in numbers when a copied it onto the message board. :/

Thanks by the way.

Cap'n Crunch · #4

I thought the story was great. I think you should put together a book of short stories or something. As a matter of fact, that did remind me of Clerks. Thanks for pointing that out Jamesman.