Mar 22nd, 2010, 10:45 PM
"Severe depression". I wish there was a way for me to type that in a more condescending manner. TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL HELP YOU OUT OF THIS BUDDY-MY-BOY! OLE GRISLY GUS HAS A COPYRIGHTED CONFIDENCE BUILDING SYSTEM THAT'S JUST RIGHT FOR YOU.
Step 1: Realize that it doesn't matter and that the only reason you (really) care is because you romanticize banal events in your life and haven't yet realized that only YOU CAN PREVENT YOU FROM FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Plus, it's your first girlfriend and if you're sixteen or younger I actually do sympathize, BUT IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, ALRIGHT? I'M HERE TO HELP.
Step 2: (If you're over the age of seventeen, I'm assuming that you have a driver's license and a car. If you don't, I'm sorry. Your lonely blue balls are terminal, game over.) If you have a job, proceed to Step 4. If you don't, get one and proceed to Step 3.
Step 3: Prove yourself a good investment at work and get a raise/promotion. You will now feel more comfortable with yourself, and you'll have money to spend on girls! Holy shit, what a change of pace! A sense of confidence may very well follow! PUT A SMILE ON, BUDDY!
Step 4: Most people don't know this, but I have psychic powers. Therefore, I'm aware of the fact that you're weak, overweight, and don't work out. Buy a gym membership. Work out three times a week. Focus on weight lifting and cardio in equal amounts. DO NOT SLACK OFF. Since you've never worked out before, it's critical that you swallow your shame and ask the advice of manlier men in regards to a beginning workout plan. And no, "I'm not interested in bulking up" is not an excuse. You need a minimum amount of muscles. So you can do things. The spirits are telling me that you have all the strength, durability, and energy of a spent rubber band at the moment.
Step 5: Go on a diet. Not Atkins, not South Beach, ignore that fucking bullshit. I'm putting you on the GRISLYGUS PATENT-PENDING COMMON SENSE DIET! How does it work? I'm glad you asked! It all boils down to easy-to-remember rules!
A. Do not drink soda. Ever. You look like Bluto without the height, shoulders, or muscles.
B. Do not eat fast food. Ever. You look like Free Willy without the grace, dignity, or natural athleticism.
C. Eat NORMAL-sized meals with generous amounts of vegetables. No going for seconds. Snacking is allowed as long as you're eating fruit, or more vegetables.
Step 6: Never feel sorry for yourself, don't blame anyone else for your problems, focus on becoming a "laid-back, friendly, responsible guy with a sense of humor who doesn't take anything personally and doesn't get angry unless someone's being a serious piece of shit"! WOW! ALL YOUR SOCIAL PROBLEMS ARE NOW SOLVED And no, I'm sorry, you are not that person right now. You only think you are. Good luck!
DISCLAIMER: THE GRISLY GUS COPYRIGHTED CONFIDENCE BUILDING SYSTEM DOES NOT COVER THE IMPROVEMENT AND EXPANSION OF PERSONAL INTERESTS,ADVANCED CHARISMATIC QUALITIES, OR COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES. FURTHER, THE GRISLY GUS CONFIDENCE BUILDING SYSTEM DOES NOT PROVIDE PROTECTION AGAINST "NICE GUY" BITTERNESS AND FRIEND ZONES. SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE GIRLFRIENDS AND SOCIAL CIRCLES.