La Blue Girl Live (with hot ninja on muppet sex)
La Blue Girl series was one of the 90s most successful hentai series. Why? I have no idea. It was not erotic at all. Personally I prefer Vanilla series but I digress. The point this movie teaches is something we all learned from Power Rangers, Ninjas + Muppets = Awesome! Now my Japanese is rusty, much like the plot. And what I learned I know from porn and anime. (Boy did I pick the right movie) luckily it's subtitled.
So long ago there were two ninja clans. One (the Bidou) kicked ass, the other (the Shikima) plucky though they may be, sucked. So the Shikimas sold their souls to Sex demons in order to become powerful enough to fight the Bidou. But one Bidou woman was able to trap them in the realm of the Sex demons. Hence begins..... LA BLUE GIRL!
Modern time, a group of Japanese schoolgirls are jogging in their gym uniforms. Despite that their breasts are small and their bottoms aren't exactly skimpily clothed they still show close ups of their bouncing bosoms and tight legs. it's meant to be erotic.... it fails.
Now, the good stuff. Horrible porn acting. The extra girls which you KNOW are gonna get raped have the worst worst acting I've seen since Ken Kutugari tried to convince people PS3 wasn't a complete failure. Anyway One of the girls got the keys to her family cottage for spring break. There is one catch..... it's built on an aincent ninja burial ground and they say it's haunted. The girls don't care. They are plucky and perky and decide to go anyway...all alone.
Now is the time that the Shikima's sexual power is waining. This is their last chance to make a play for the overworld. But there is one thing they need.....horny young teen girls. Don't we all? Lucky for them there is a teenage couple having hot softcore sex in a stationwagon not far from the portal. For some reason right after the girl cums the guy mentions a bad smell (ain't he a charmer) and then grabs a kleenex as he lifts her off his penis. You know if I was doing it with a porn star I'd want to wipe down my wiener too just for cleanliness.
For some reason it then skips to one of our hot schoolgirls (Misaki) in the shower. But they set it up funny. The wind is blowing and a shaley camera is moving through the creepy blowing curtians, around a corner, into the shower, showing a hot lathered up girl. All done to the romantic strains of creepy horror movie someone's gonna die music. You know you're a bad actress when your shower scenes aren't convincing.
Then she gets out of the shower and drinks a Coors while watching the news, until you see her from a camera crawling shakily along the floor. Must be the POV of the monster. Hey a muppet tentacle! yeah that's definatley the monster POV. She turns around and looks at the tentacle all shocked.
It then opens it's mouth, hisses, and SQUIRTS HER LIKE A SUPERSOAKER! Behold the money shot.
Then she passes out. That's right the monsters have splooge that KNOCKS YOU OUT! Then the monster bends over and picks her up. Here's the scary part. It's not a muppet at all, it's a non tentacled DUDE! With appears to be covered in KY jelly and is now rigorously fingering the unconsciesce girl. Oh crap the doorbell just rang.
Now comes the fun part. With her friend just outside the door the muppet tentacle rounds second. it forces a blowjob out of her by sticking it's head in her mouth and making squishy noises.
Shizuki puts her hands over her ears and collapses by the door for no real reason. She then presses her ear to the door and Our Hero Miko walks up and catches her. yeah she was waiting out side the door listening to the muppet sex until she passed out and her friend found her. Her friend then rings the doorbell but it's to late. no answer. So she picks the lock and sticks her hand in the door where she feels an evil aura and gets a gust of foul smelling wind in her face. Some sort of ghost fart I presume.
So she drags her friend out. Yeah she's still barely able to stand. That must be good sex if you can't stand after LISTENING to it. Then for no reason we are introduced to the hero's sister Miyu. She is in Paris where everyone is Asian and speaks Japanese for no apparent reason. She has to go home to help her ill sister. So when she gets in her friend tells her about the evil presence (ghost fart) she felt at her friend's apartment.
So Miyu and her sis suit up in their ninja gear. Which is basicly kneepads and fishnet stockings. (hot, yet functional) They load up on throwing stars and whips. Then comes the Rambo moment.
That was HOT!
They then begin sneaking around the city in their S and M gear. I think I'd notice it if I lived there. They break into the apartment via the fire escape for some reason despite scaling the TOP of the building while they could have just walked up the fire escape. They decided to fire grappling hooks and scale the building Batman and Robin style (but with less sexual innuendo then the dynamic duo)
So one of the girls finds the bathtub the girl sunk into at the end of the rape sequence. She dips her fingers in the bathwater and smells them like a gynecologist. She then scowls, draws her katana and STABS THE BATHWATER! She runs her sword in it. Then puts it up shocked. SHOCKED that nothing happened when put your sword in bathwater. Then as stealthily as the came they leave. Trotting out the window in their G strings.
Misaki, alive well and not being raped. Goes to join the girls for lunch as they get ready to go to the summer house,
Where they are joined by Miko's big sister, a reporter named Miyu. That's right our ninja girl is a reporter. It get's better. there is a pool! So the girls jump in. That's when you hear the best line I have EVER heard in the HISTORY of a porno.
So JAWS music starts playing and one girl keeps running between the other girls legs and giving drive by vagina tickles. The other girls join in and begin having underwater vagina tickle fights. Which would be hot if they weren't playing Jaws music. Oh who am I kidding it's still hot. Until Misaki is passed out on the bottom and Miko has to rescue her.
She explains she felt like she was breathing underwater and she was swimming like a fish then this impulse took over her. This Vagina tickling impulse. The girls step out and Miyu and Miko discuss how Misaki must have been possessed by some sort of demon.... maybe THE demons. the ones from earlier in the movie. Meanwhile Misaki (as represented by a shakey camera) sneaks into the other room to make out with the non-ninja girl Shizuki (the one who likes to listen to muppet sex) while she sleeps.
When she wakes up Misaki says "please don't speak I just wanted to do this" then rounds second. The girls make dinner as shizuki gets oral sex from Misaki who keeps looking up and grinning very shifty-eyed. That holding your breath trick she learned in the pool just payed off.
The other girls are just cooking
Then Misaki sneaks back into her bed and Shizuki goes for a walk.....on the pool..... on the water in the pool.
She then promptly sinks underwater and bubbles come up as if she slipped into another dimension and then farted underwater. Miyo sees it and ninjas up to go fight her. Shizuki now has tentacles which she reaches out of the water to grab Miyo who then punches the tentacles. She whips out her spear and gets ready to stab her farting friend.
When her farting friend transforms into THE GROPING DUDE from Misaki's apartment. He doesn't stop farting as he talks bubbles evrywhere. Then he jumps out of the water like Flipper and karate kicks her. How cool is that? I'll give you a hint by the time he lands his clothes and hair are DRY!
Miyo isn't going down easy she poses with her spear, and it makes a shotgun cocking noise. Then they do some over the top crouching tiger style fighting.
Miyo sees Shizuki floating face down in the pool. So she bounces off of three trees getting ready for a huge kick, and the guy simply football tackles her into the pool. Then Miko comes out and jumps in after them. Where whirlpool starts which drops them into THE SEX DEMON REALM!
Where the bad guy is humping her sister in the bellybutton. This is the worst acting in the movie. The guy moves her back and forth as her head bobs around wierdly and she grunts. Did I mention his penis is in her bellybutton? Cause that is important. Then the muppet tentacle starts to join in and tweak her nipples.
Then the dude transforms into swamp thing and makes his O face.
Finally her sister Miyo finds her and swamp thing (in dude form) jumps out of his bath water and floats in mid air. this time with wet clothes. (his powers must be waining)
I've heard that line befor, it means nothing after a few drinks.
He then says "oh yeah?" and turns his arms into muppet tentacles and attacks her and she fends him off with her sex sword. (not a figure of speech it's a real katana with a dildo for a Handle) He explains that only Bido women can accept demon seed and further their clan and he had already raped her sister. (in the bellybutton remember?) Then other sister regains consciousness and after a case of coyote ugly starts to help kick ass. She throws a throwing star, misses, and the dude smiles and dissappears.
So the girls run around looking for him. He is actually sitting in the rafters watching them for some reason. So he jumps out at Miyo and fights her and when she finally lands a punch he dissapears in a huge splash of water. So he was made of water all along. he then attacks Miko, he was winning up till Miyo jumped him and started puching him REPEATEDLY in the crotch. That's right, his weak point is his nuts. At one point she also pulls his hair. I SWEAR TO GOD SHE PULLED HIS HAIR AFTER PUNCHING HIM IN THE NUTS! No wonder the Bido clan always won, they fight dirty. He hits her a couple times with the BUTT of the sword. So eventually she stabs him. At least she knows which end is which.
He promptly grins, and steps sideways and the sword exits his body. She then pops what appears to be a mentos and breathes fire at him. Wait, a fire mento? Wow Japan gets all the cool stuff.
Well he's not gonna take that. He turns his arm into a muppet tentacle which promptly jizzes at her! (right on the face, classic bukkake style)
he then grabs her and rips off her clothes (it is knockout sperm after all you rmemeber fromt he beginning) He then lowers her into the tub and humps the small of her back. But as she is being humped she is reaching for her magical dildo shaped dagger! (I'm not making this up) But the muppet wiener tentacle will not allow it and pushes her hand away.
He explains that if he cums in her he can take her back to his realm. At this point you notice he has been humping for 5 minutes and she is still wearing her underwear. So the muppet wiener tentacle forces it self into her mouth (why she does not bite it is beyond me) Finally just as the dude is transforming and cumming her sister grabs the dildo dagger and stabs him all Sephiroth on Aerith style. She then drags her sister out of the water her sister is BTW STILL wearing her underwear! What was she afraid of him jizzing on her panties?
So they breath heavily and celebrate their victory as the music gets evil. that's when it happens. THE MUPPET TENTACLES ARE BACK!
They begin to strangle the girls in a last attempt to drag them to the demon realm! But Miyo ain't letting that happen. She stabs him in the head with her dil-dagger and he explodes like a bad power ranger villian sinking in the bath water. Then Shizuka floats to the top pf the bath water. Shizuka is also STILL wearing her panties.
Day after, EVERYTHING is fine again. Miyu is praying as her little sister Miko leaves for school. Everything is fine right? One problem. Miyu.... is pregnant. Setting up for the sequel. Birth of the demon child. part of it takes place in Paris, which oddly enough is populated entirely by Japanese people.
I only have one complaint. Ninnin the token midget black mage isn't present. WHY! Whe want him to be live action too!