IT IS NEVER TOO LATE FOR HALLOWEEN DAMMIT
"LITTLE MARIA JOHNSON CELEBRATES SATAN'S BIRTHDAY"
A children's Halloween Story that will scare the HELL INTO You.
Dear Friends Of Baby Jesus,
Let us all take a moment and thank the Lord for this lovely cool snap on this glorious morning.
To me, there is nothing nicer than waking up to a crackling fire in my four season sunroom, a tray
of freshly baked pastries on the buffet prepared by my faithful servant, Laquitia, and my favorite
Limoge cup filled with a piping hot triple espresso. Ah, Thank you Lord, for the blessings that
you have bestowed me. Amen.
Now, seeing as it is highly unlikely that any of you have been rewarded as richly as I, the
Foremost Authority On All Things Biblical, I shall pass along my own blessing to you, a DAILY
BLESSING, so you too will have a little something special to call your own.
Before sending a sulking Baby Jesus out the door with an armful of dry cleaning too be dropped
off, we had shared a wonderful conversation about HELLoween. Now, you all know that this is
the Devil’s birthday and anyone who celebrates this SATANIC holiday is just plain evil. In fact,
the Baby Jesus made a point, that for once, that made perfect sense, “Sister Taffy”, He said,
“You know that I would rather hop back up on that cross again than to say anything unkind,
BUT, all these people who insist on dressing their children up in silly costumes and loading them
into mini-vans to parade them around to strange neighborhoods begging for hand-outs, deserve
the wrath of my daddy. And this year, I aim to talk to him about it”.
Mildly amused by His observance, I told Him, “Baby Jesus, I could not agree with you more. This
practice of “trick-or-treating” is nothing more than a trial run for future generations of welfare
recipients. If a parent wants to see their child running around their home dressed up in a cheap
costume while a in a sugar induced state of frenzy, then they should just buy them some
dime-store candy and not impose it on decent people. However, tearing your Father, the
Almighty, away from important things like preparing the mansions for His chosen people really
isn’t necessary. Let’s put our heads together and see what we, or rather I, can come up with to
nip this situation in the bud without pestering God. And dear, I mean that figuratively. I do not
intend to actually “touch heads”.
We rang for Laquitia to bring us another round of espressos and we prayed for a good solid hour
for a plan that would convince these poor little children and their rather common parents that
trick-or-treating was of the Devil and something that they did not wish to engage in. About
halfway though, I happened to notice that Baby Jesus had His eyes opened and was just about to
chastise Him for peeking during prayer time, when He jumped up and exclaimed, “Sister Taffy! I
have it. You can write a children’s story for the parents to read to them that will not just scare
the Hell out of them, it will put the fear of Hell into them! If anyone can do it, you can and I can
help you write it!”. I told Him to sit back down and be quite so we could finish our devotional
and that then, I would take His suggestion into consideration.
When the timer bell rang indicating that our allotted one hour prayer session was up Baby Jesus
jumped up again and was just about to start in about that silly notion of “us” writing a story
together. I know that’s what He was about to do because I could see it in His eyes. (He always
gets a wild look that reminds me of someone afflicted with Hyperthyroidism when He gets
excited, but I cut Him off before He could begin to worry me. “Baby Jesus”, I said, “I think that it
is time for you to leave now. You have been underfoot long enough and if I am going to write
this story, then you need to leave me in peace. And dear, please have Laquitia give you the
laundry for the cleaners on the way out. And take that scowl off your face. You will get
wrinkles. And another thing dear, have a nice day.” He must have known that I was right because
He stood up took the cleaning and left without incident to compose my very special, “Christian
Children Don’t Trick-Or-Treat” story for you. Please feel free to copy and distribute accordingly
to any parents that you know who are in need of a good children’s story.
“Children Who Trick-Or-Treat Will Suffer”
Once upon a time there lived a little girl, who we shall call, Maria Johnson, who dwelled in a
modest but clean home in a very middle-class neighborhood. Maria’s parents worked very hard to
raise their daughter in a home filled with the love of God and instill in her the moral fiber that she
would require to gain entrance into Heaven at her time of demise. They were good parents with
the exception of one major flaw; they spoiled her rotten. Anything that Maria wanted her parents
would give her providing that they had the means to do so.
Well, last Halloween little Maria came home from school and didn’t stop to play. She said,
“Mommy, I have a parcel here from the Sunny Valley PTA”. There was also a note attached that
addressed a school organized trick-or-treating event on that very night informing Mrs. Johnson
that a school bus would be used to transport the youngsters from home to home in their common
little community. In addition, the PTA was upset that Maria had been acting out because her
parents would not allow her to attend this secular outing. In fact it said in full:
“Mrs. Johnson,
It’s reported that your daughter is a brat who screams and cries. She’s been pulling hair and
breaking things and running around and telling lies.
She wants to go a’ trick-or-treating with her classmates on the bus today. We must insist that she
attend this outing sponsored by the Sunny Valley PTA.
We see no reason why your little girl should be excused from having her some fun. You’ll find a
witch costume for her to wear and the bus will pick her up outside your home.
She’ll be expelled from school and you arrested if she’s not on that little bus today.
We thank you in advance for your assistance.
Signed,
The Sunny Valley PTA.”
Mrs. Johnson had a moral dilemma. She certainly didn’t want to go to prison. But with her
husband away on travel she could not ask him for permission to think for herself. So against her
better judgment, she decided that “just this once” her daughter could attend the outing. When she
told Maria that her Mommy & Daddy would go to jail if they didn’t allow her to go and celebrate
SATAN’S BIRTHDAY with her pagan friends, Maria was thrilled. She snatched her little
costume and ran upstairs to put it on.
When six o’clock arrived, Mrs. Johnson (who had been praying for her daughter’s salvation all
afternoon) called upstairs to her daughter. “Sweetie, come on down. It’s time for that old devil
bus! to pick you up”. Well, a few minutes passed and Maria did not come down. Worried that
her daughter would miss the bus and that she would be incarcerated, she went upstairs to check
on her little girl. But Friends, what she saw when she opened the door to Maria’s room would
cause her to vomit. There on the little white and gold French Provincial canopy bed was her little
girl wearing the witch costume and doing something very UN-holy with her favorite My Little
Pony doll.
“Maria!”, she cried after she had thrown up on the pale pink carpeting, “Stop that! What you are
doing is very, very naughty. I would rather go to jail forever than to see you like that. I am
calling Grandma right now and you will stay here with her and pray that Baby Jesus forgives you.
That costume has brought DEMONS into our home!” It was right then that when the Devil’s
party bus arrived and blew the horn that Maria lunged at her mother and jabbed her in the eye
with the tail of her little plastic doll. “Take that you BITCH!” Maria screamed, “I’m going
trick-or-treating”, and she jumped out the window and ran to the little yellow bus that was
loading all of the little neighborhood children to take them away . Fortunately, Mrs. Johnson,
blinded in one eye but filled with the determination that only her Lord could provide, managed to
pull herself up to go and save her little girl from what she knew would be the bus ride from hell.
Down the stairs she went. She made a brief detour into her husband’s private study and then with
blood pouring down her face and her right eye hanging from it’s socket ran out the front door to
face her daughter. “Maria”, she said to the little witch who was boarding the bus. Mommy is not
happy with you”. Her once sweet little girl, now possessed with demons, turned and faced her.
The entire bus of lost little souls began to laugh and chant when Maria said, “You aren’t dead
yet?”. With tears and blood gushing from her eyes, Mrs.. Johnson pulled the semi-automatic
assault weapon that her husband kept for security purposes from behind her back, raised the gun
and pulled the trigger. Her little girl exploded into a hundred pieces.
“I told you I’d rather go to jail than see you go trick-or-treating”, she said to the bits of her
daughter that lie scattered on the lawn. Mrs. Johnson raised the gun again, and pointing at the
gas tank on the bus, pulled the trigger and sent the entire bus into a fiery explosion, killing all of
the demons trapped inside. Calmly, she went inside and called the police.
Friends, you thought Mrs. Johnson might have then turned that gun on herself didn’t you? Well,
of course she didn’t. Because suicide is a mortal sin! No, the police came and she was taken to
prison for serving her Lord and ridding the world of a bus load of demons. Just like He would
have her to do. The moral of this story is: If you love your children, and you are a decent parent,
you will read them this true tale of what can happen when children trick-or-treat to your own child.
Then pass this inspirational and uplifting tale of a mother’s love and dedication to no less than ten
people. Baby Jesus wants you too. Happy Halloween All!
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