Jul 29th, 2006, 03:20 AM
Having a bloody anxiety attack, and I'm the edge of my seat, thinking some shit is going to go down.
Life can drive a person strange at times. I feel that I am on a cliff, with a weight pressing upon my back. One step back and I won't see the grand vista spread out for miles, a breathtaking scene that would bring peace to my heart. One step forward, and I'll be able to see all that good jolly stuff up close, and momentarily, painfully personal.
Yet, there should be a bridge, a swing bridge, like the one in Indiana Jones and the temple of Doom. But this is a bloody cliff, not a gorge... so there is no freaking bridge, just a endless view with nothing for me to continue forward on. Should I take the plunge, and hope this heavy weight on my back is a parachute?
Crap, I hate feeling this way. I am shaking, I keep glancing over at the case that holds my guns. Will those civilized weapons of a barbaric culture bring a serenity to my quaking nerves? A fail-safe against the horrors that exist outside my room?
I find myself thinking of how great it would be if:
a.) China attacks us
b.) Aliens invade us
c.) The dead walk the earth hungering for the brains of the living.
any of those outcomes would keep my mind off this itching feeling of dread that clutches at my heart and soul. With my guns at my side, I shall escape into the mountains, and live happily in a state of hit and run bliss.
Reason injects its logical and smooth argumentive head. None of this shall come to pass. Yet, a boy can't stop dreaming.
Dreaming of flying, of life without worries. Dreaming of a life worth living, not this sad mockery of existance that I am tormented with day in and day out. I am sad. I am joyus! I want to destroy someones life. My life. And rebuild it in shouldof couldof life.
Should of done this, could of done that... now LOOK AT ME! I'm 22 years old and living... well, renting out a room from a friend, and just waiting for the Coast Guard... it is all I do. Wait for life to happen.
Anyone have suggestions of how to find life? I need to replace mine. It has a leak.
This post is now to long. People have given up reading after the first sentence, or word. But I am on a role... I am done.