Anyone know a good joke?

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by liquidstatik

The one I heard replaced hookers with dead babies, but either way I guess

I heard this one kid continue on with 'How do you move the babies? WITH A PITCHFORK!'
Does anybody understand that? If it has some meaning, I sure as hell can't find it

[Tadao]

You would have to be from Ohio to get that one.

[MetalMilitia]

He just got it wrong the joke is actually:

What's the difference between bowling balls and dead babies?

You can't move bowling balls with a pitchfork.

[Tadao]

Why do you put ducttape around a hamster?

Spoilers!

So when you fuck it, it won't explode.

[Dimnos]

Originally Posted by Tadao

Why do you put ducttape around a hamster?

rofl

[Dimnos]

Bungee jumping is much like getting a blowjob from an ugly chick. Yea it feels great but HOLY SHIT dont look down.

[Jeanette X]

A man enters a bar, looking deeply upset. He orders a shot of whiskey.

"What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

"My son just told me he's gay, I'm not sure how to handle it." says the man.

"Must be difficult." says the bartender.

The man eventually leaves.

The next day, the man enters the same bar, looking even more upset. He orders two shots of whiskey.

"Wow, you look like hell." says the bartender. "What happened?"

"My other son just told he's gay! Jesus, I could hardly deal with the first!"

"Wow, that's pretty rough." says the bartender.

The man eventually leaves.

The next day, the man comes in, totally haggard, looking like he's just had the shock of his life. He sits down, and asks for five shots of whiskey.

"Jeez! Isn't anyone in your family attracted to women?" says the bartender, incredulously.

"Yeah." The man replies. "My daughter!"

[McClain]

After a long day at work, a man sits down alone in the back of an empty pub.
Half way through his first beer he hears a feint voice that says, "Nice shoes!" The man looks around but the only other person in the bar is the bartender. The man shrugs off the voice and orders another beer.
Half way through his second beer he hears the same voice again, except this time it says, "Nice tie!" The man is a bit shaken and looks around to find no one remotely close to him. Shrugging it off again he orders his third beer.
Half way through is third beer the voice speaks again. "Nice slacks!" it says. Confused and a bit scared, the man walks briskly up to the bar and tells the bartender that he thinks he's hearing voices in the back of the bar.
"What's it saying?" asks the bartender.
"Well, first the voice told me nice shoes. Then nice tie. Then it was nice slacks."
"Oh," said the bartender. "Don't worry about that. It was the peanuts. They're complimentary."

[Jeanette X]

Two men are in a bar, talking quietly. They seem to come to an agreement, and they shake hands.

One of the men approachess the bartender, and says:

"I bet you a hundred dollars that I can stand on top of the bar, and pee blindfolded into that empty beer glass and not spill a drop."

The bartender is incredulous.

"You've got yourself a bet pal. I'd sure like to see this."

The man climbs on top of the bar, and puts on a blindfold, pulls out his dick, and starts to pee. He completely misses the glass, of course, and it gets everywhere.

"You lost buddy. You didn't even get any pee in the glass."

The man comes down from the bar, grinning widely, and starts to count out the hundred dollars to the bartender who is now cleaning piss of his bar.

The bartender says, "You just lost a hundred bucks! Why do you look so happy?"

The man says, "Because I bet that guy over there two hundred bucks that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't even get mad!"

[bigtimecow]

that reminds me of yet ANOTHER jackie martling joke, retold by me in a completely different way because i have a horrible memory (sorry i'm so unoriginal guys ):

a man gets back from the military, done serving in the war. he's home, and meets wit ha friend.

his friend asks, "so how was it?"

the man replies, "the only really bad part about the war was that sometimes we'd be out and away from food for so long that we'd have to eat our own shit."

the other man says, "wait, so you mean to tell me you eat your own shit, and you don't mind?"

"yes"

"well, i have an idea. we could make a lot of money off of this. we could bet people that you would eat your own shit!"

the two men head off to a bar and find two bookies who want in on the bet.

one bookie says, "alright, let's do this. nobody can eat their own shit."

the man squats, pinches a loaf in his pants, reaches in, pulls it out, and starts to eat it. then, halfway through, he stops, and pukes all over the bookies. the two bookies beat up the two men and walk out of the bar.

the man's friend says to him, "what happened? why didn't you eat the shit?"

the man says, "there was a hair on it."

[bigtimecow]

oh man, two this time:

a man walks into a restaurant and takes a seat up at the bar. he orders to the waitress, "get me a big bowl of chili."

the waitress points to another man a few seats down the bar and says, "sorry sir, that man got the last bowl"

the man looks down the bar and realizes that this guy has barely eaten any of his chili and he looks done. he asks the man, "hey, you gonna eat the rest of that?" the guy says "nah, help yourself."

the man begins to eat the chili, and as soon as he gets to the bottom he finds a dead mouse.

"wh... WHLAAA!!" he pukes all the chili back into the bowl. and then the other guy at the bar says, "yeah, that's about as far as i got too"

[bigtimecow]

three even!

a man walks into a restaurant and takes a seat at the bar. he sees a sign on the wall that says "cheese sandwich $5, handjob $10."

he calls the waitress over and says "are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

she nods.

"wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich"

[Jeanette X]

A clean joke this time:

A man and his servant are travelling in the desert. He says to his servant:

"Now watch the camel and make sure it doesn't wander away while I sleep!"

The servant nods and agrees, but the man is worried because he knows his servant is something of a daydreamer.

The man lays down to sleep, but he can't. After a while, he asks his servant:

"What are you thinking about?"

The servant replies:

"I was just wondering how many stars are in the sky."

The man again lays down to sleep, but he can't. After a while, he asks his servant:

"What are you thinking about?"

The servant replies:

"I was just wondering how many grans of sand are in the desert."

The man again lays down to sleep, but he can't. After a while, he asks his servant:

"What are you thinking about?"

The servant replies:

"I was just wondering who's going to carry everything now that the camel is gone."

[bigtimecow]

gotta love a good clean joke every now and then I GUESS

[McClain]

A guy walks in to a bar to find his best friend drunk and sobbing on a barstool.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks.

"I puked all over my shirt again. My wife is gonna' kill me!" the drunk guy slurs.

"Don't worry about it," said his friend. At that, his friend pulls money out of his wallet. "You take this $10 bill and put it in your front pocket. When your wife sees the puke tell her that some other guy did it and he felt so bad for puking on you that he offered to pay your cleaning bill."

The drunk guy thinks it's a great idea and stumbles out of the bar and to his house. Just as he reaches to open the door his wife swings it open and notices he's drunk and soaked with vomit. She immediately starts to berate him for puking on himself again.

"No honey, it's not my fault... some other guy puked on me. See?" The drunk pulls the money out of his pocket and waves it in her face. "He felt so bad he gave me ten bucks" said the drunk.

His wife snatches the bill from his hand, and after examining the bill said, "Honey, this is a twenty dollar bill. What's the other ten for?"

"Oh?" said the drunk. "Well, he shit in my pants, too."

[Dimnos]

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

[Dimnos]

A teacher was working with a group of children,trying to broaden their horizons through sensoryperception. She brought in a variety of lifesavorcandies and told the kids to close their eyes andtaste each flavor. The kids easily identified thetaste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when theteacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavors, theywere all stumped."I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "It'ssomething your mommy and daddy probably call eachother all the time."Instantly one of the kids coughed his onto thefloor and shouted, "Quick, spit them out - they'reassholes!"

[Dimnos]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

I went to the beach yesterday and burned the top of back real bad. So I told my friend I felt like Burnt Backarach.

[bigtimecow]

[Jeanette X]

This joke actually dates back to the Nixon administration, but it still works.

Bush is on vacation and he's swimming in the ocean. Suddenly, an undertow starts to drag him down, and he screams for help. A young man sees the President's distress and rushes into the water, and pulls him to safety, saving his life.

As soon as Bush stops coughing up seawater and regains his composure, he begins thanking the young man profusely.

"You've saved my life! How can I ever repay you?! I owe you a debt of gratitude, I'll give you whatever you want!" says Bush.

The young man just looks at his shoes, and mumbles:

"Look, just don't tell anyone, okay? If my Dad finds out that I saved George W. Bush he'll kill me!"

[DALI-II]

Two drunks walk into a bar. You think one of them might have ducked.

[Jeanette X]

President Bush is in the White House late one night, agonizing about what to do for the country.

"Oh, if only I knew what to do for the good of the country!" he laments.

Suddenly, the ghost Lyndon Johnson appears, and says:

"Don't make the mistakes I made in Vietnam! Pull out of Iraq!"

Johnson's ghost then dissapears.

The president doesn't like this answer, and again he says:

"Oh, if only I knew what to do for the good of the country!"

Suddenly, the ghost of James Monroe appears, and says:

"You must repeal the unconstitutional parts of the Patriot Act!"

Monroe's ghost then dissapears.

The president doesn't like this answer either, and again he says:

"Oh, if only I knew what to do for the good of the country!"

Suddenly, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears, and says:

"You know, you've been under a lot of stress. Why don't you take a night off and see a play?"

[Blue Fox]

a man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. he sits down and orders a drink and immediately the monkey goes nuts, running around and throwing stuff everywhere. he finally jumps up on the pool table and eats the 8 ball. the bartender is furious at this point and tells the man to leave until he can keep his monkey under control.

so the man leaves and returns to the bar about a week later, monkey in tow. once again the monkey is out of control. the bartender is about to say something when all of a sudden

[Blue Fox]

heh, srry bout that, anyway...

all of a sudden the monkey jumps up on the bar. it picks up a peanut, shoves it up it's butt, pulls it out, and proceeds to eat it.

overwhelmed with curiousity the bartender turns to the man, "what the hell was that?" he asks.

"oh," the man replies, "ever since he ate that pool ball, he measures everything first."


hee hee. why do all jokes happen in a bar?