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DamnthatDavid · #1

So, I got stuck with 5000 word short story. If anyone wants to read it, have fun.

Note: it is full of spelling mistakes, bad grammer, and random crap. The actual story I had started writing got boring, and half way through I just started sprouting bullshit.

"Hu-ZAH!!! Victory is MINE!!!"
"No it isn't"
"Yes it is... I killed them, I win."
"You didn't kill them, I didn't see you, you must of been hiding"
"I was not hiding, I was chopping, with my axe."
"What? You mean this clean, sparkling, no blood on it axe?"
"Er, yeah, but... fine, I was chopping into the back of the house."
"And why where you doing that?"
"For the loot"
"Ha'jor, you know the rules, no looting until the desinated looting times."
"But you all seemed to have everything under control already, Yavorn."

Yavorn nodded, and kicked a corpse of one of the dead defenders.
"Yes, we had everything under control, and I know you are young Ha'Jor, but what type of Vikings would we be if we started looting whenever we felt like? We must excersie control Ha'jor. Now report back to the ship."
Ha'jor, looking crestfallen, hoisted his axe, but let a hidden grin slip as he clutched his looted prize. Luckly Yavorn hadn't asked to see it.
The longboat was cast upon the shore, waves brushed against the aft section.
Ha'jor walked up to it, and his his hand upon the door's face plate, and the door, with a near silent hiss, slid open.

Perhaps, as an overall, we should leave the little world in which we find outselves, and learn the backstory. It is roughly 300 years after Humanity and flung themselves out across the galaxy, 250 something years since Humanity had collided with a intergalactic Alien council which consited of dozens of very peaceful alien species, and 249 years since humanity had attacked, destroyed, and shattered this very peaceful alien unity into individual fueding galactic states once more, managing to overcome thousands of years of dreadfully boring peace, and reawaken exciting old blood fueds.
I guess humanity just had a gift for chaos.
150 years ago, 3 of the most powerful of the fueding Alien races finally came to the conclusion that all this blood and violence was thanks to those no good, cunning, vile, and dirty humans. These 3 alien species formed an alliance. And Affinity for Spacial Serenity was born.
Humanity of course, thought it was all a big laugh. And the paper for many weeks ran headlines featuring the so called danger that the ASS Alliance repersented. Of course, no one was laughing when they gased the planet with a human DNA targeted toxion. People in the Orbital Space Stations watched in horror as the combined fleet swept across the world. 8 Days later, Earth had became a ghost town. The ASS Alliance figured that with the homeworld's population wiped out, that the remaining scattered bits of the human race, would calm down and seek for peace. I mean, their where only about a billion survivors. The Space Stations around Earth where ignored, the Asteroid Mining Stations where ignored, the Mars Cities where passed over, the colony worlds of Vahalla, NottaTerra, Newer New England, and Kamikaze, all left completely alone. In fact, humanity itself was much improved. The only people who remained on old polluted Earth where the poor, the filthy rich, and the Terran Government. Most everyone else had shipped out. But all of humanity agreed that it was time to whip some Alien Ass.
50 Years ago, humanity was still just sitting around. Saying things like "Oi, any day now, we going to go whip some alien ass," or "Damn Aliens, I swear, in the next year or two, we all going to go whip some alien ass." or even the "Alien Ass Whipping Time!"
The 27 Alien races, by now reformed the Intergalactic Council, and viewed Humanity as a plauge, with the only good thing coming out of them where all the old Spaghatti Westerns, which, interesting enough, was embraced as a religion by an entire species of Aliens.
Also, about this time, was born a man on the planet of Vahalla. A Viking World which wass filled with mostly people from Sweden, Norway, Finland, Iceland, Greenland, and Minnesota. The Man's name was Yavorn.
As Yavorn grew up, he participated in the Viking Traditions, the long boats, the sword, and axe fights, the Raiding of the neighbor's town, and the traditional burning of the Burn House. (It was required that every town had a burn house at the start of spring, built for the purpose of being burned down by any invading town. In fact, it was very much like a game, the towns in sectors would luanch out Longboats, well, not really longboats, but more like giant hovering vehicles that resembled longboats. The town would invade the enemy, and using dulled axes, and swords, would attack. If they reached the middle of town, they would then be allowed to set fire to the Burn House, and Kidnap all unmarried Women over the age of 17, take them back to their town, and throw a hellva large kegger party. This was mostly from the influence of the Minnesota Vikings. If defeated, they would return, set fire to their own Burn House, and be out of the games for the rest of that season. The town with the only remaining Burn House would be the capital town of the planet until next spring season. I would like to point out now, that each season, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring, lasted for 9 Months, giving a 36 month year for Vahalla.)
Well, during Yavorn's 13th year of life (he was roughly 39 in Old Earth reasoning) he was elected as War Captain for the season, and he lead his Town to victory, and he, in sense, became ruler of the planet. After the month of celebration. He sobered up enough to think about his planet's future, which was facing a all kinds of metal, food, and technology shortages. (to much time had been spent on parties, food, and raids, and trade relations with the other Human Colonies and died down.) Then, with typical Norseman logic, he came up with this thought.
"Why not just take what we need from them Dumbass Aliens?"
With the remaining material, the Viking people of Vahalla clobbered together a Warship in the shape of an ancient Serpent. And Attached the Hovering Longboats used in the games, as landing craft. With a ship, and the fighting ability that they had perfected over hundreds of years of games. (Earth Years) They cast off from Vahalla and into deep space.
Which Brings us almost up to date. It is now 1 hour, in this timeline, before the first Hu-ZAH was uttered.
The greenish, yellow world spun before the Vahallian Warship, Jormungand, named for the World Serpent of legend, Jormungand of Midgard, the Serpent of the mortal realm. It was a fine vessal, simple, fluid, and elegent. As tradition for the Norse people, larger then life shields sat along the main lines of the ship.
Yavorn stood on the bridge, shield in one hand, his sword in the other, glaring down at the planet before him. It was a colony world of the large, ant like, hive creatures, the Taarhoon, it would be a great battle, a battle of legend.
The sun crested the curve of the world, filling the bridge with a fantastic light. Blinking, Yavorn grined.
With two long steps, he reached the intercom, he flipped it on, to allow the entire crew to listen in.
"Men, this is the first attack, the first raid, the first victory of Vahallian people. We will conquer, we will slaughter, and we will loot. Breath deep, and prepare to attack!"
Thumbing the switch off, he turned his attention back to the bridge crew.
"As soon as the last Landing Boat hits ground, hit the surface with the Valkyrie."
Lacking the technology of energy weapons, and already having fully trained melee weapons specialist, Yavorn had demanded of the Vahallian scientist a weapon that would knock out all enemy electronics and weapons, they had presented him with the EMP barrage, called the Valkyrie, in honor of Odin's Warrior Women of lore.
Once again, Yavorn hit on the intercom switch.
"MAN YOUR SHIPS! And let loose the logs of WAR"
Grinning, Yavorn turned and started jogging to his landing party. His second in command and closest friend, Sigaurd looked at him quizically.
"Er, my Lord, the logs of war?"
"Why yes, I read it somewhere, originated from Old Earth I believe..."
"Yes M'lord, if you say so."
The two reached the landing craft, docked in the forward hanger bay, and quickly climbed within. The Hold was crammed full of Vahallian warriors, all with personal weapons ranging from Bastard Swords, to polaxes, and spears. With a shudder, the longboat landing craft dropped from the ship. Through small windows, Yavorn could make out bright thruster lights of other ships launching from the Port and Starboard hangers. In perfect order, the ships hit the atmosphere and plunged downward toward a town on a nice, green colored lake. 300ft from the lakes surface, forward facing braking thrusters sprung to life, slowing the ships considerably. Enought to allow the Vahallian warriors within to survive the upcoming impact.
The ships hit the water with a thundering boom, and where completely submerged.
From the observers point of view, you would of seen the lake suddenly explode with turbulance, and then grow calm. Until the head of some mythical monster brakes the surface. The figure heads slowly raise above the surface, proceeding the bulk of the landing craft.
Yavorn unbuckled his landing harness. Safety first. And walked his way between the rows of troops to the front cockpit, centered under the figurehead.
"Have all ships open the top hatch."
The Pilot complied, and sent the remote orders to all the other ships. From a near seemless top, a crack appeared. The top dome of the Longboat split in half, and receeded down into either side of the ship. Giving all the men a good look of the sky above. A sky which was turning from the dark black of night, into the red of dawn. The other Longboat landing craft mimiced the lead ship, the middles splitting open and also receeding back.
"Any second now..."
The men, all paused in the task of unlatching themselves from the harnesses and glanced up as a flash of light appeared right above them, which was quickly followed by a second, and a third flash as the EMP Valkyrie Barrage commenced. Right on que, all the electronic insturments died.
Taking a big breath, Yavorn yelled out across the still lake.
"Run out the oars, and head for the town! GLORY TO ALL!!!"
A hand shot up "But what about the loot?"
Blinking quickly, and thinking even faster, Yavorn yelled out
"Er, yes and LOOT TO ALL!!!"
Another hand shot up. "M'Lord, I have a question!"
Sighing inwardly, Yavorn turned to adress this new promblem
"Okay!"
It was a younger Warrior, "Okay that I have a question, or Okay that I can give it?"
Yavorn was starting to turn red in the face "Ok that you can give it!"
"Thank you M'Lord!" The boy sat down.
Yavorn, with close to a snarl "Well spit it out!"
"Spit what out m'lord?" The boy was looking mighty confused.
"The Bloody question!" Yavorn's face had suceeded in turning red.
At least the boy had the right to become suddenly nervous. The Sight of that angered red face was enough to give pause to a rabid wolf.
"Oh, right! M'lord, when we reach their, can we start looting right away, or do we have to wait for a signal of some sort?"
"We went over this before, where you not paying attention in the briefing?"
"Sorry M'lord, I fell asleep."
"Fell Asleep?" Those close to Yavorn started backing away, they had noticed his hand creeping toward his sword. The young man saw it also.
"Er... never mind M'lord, I don't really need any loot."
"Very Good... Now, FOR GLORY... and LOOT! FORWARD!!!"
The crews all gave a mighty yell, and ran out the oars. Which where handily stored under the seats. Good thing for straight thinkers.
The Longboats lurched forward toward the town on the farshore. The men grunting with the effort of moving a couple of tons of ship.
"M'lord?" It was the young man again. Yavorn buried his head in his hand, grimicing.
"Yes, what is it now?"
"I think I'm getting a blister..."
With a sudden leap, Yavorn jumped from the prow of the Longboat, down into the deck, grabbed, and picked up the young man.
"Where are you from? So I know where I can send the remains..."
"M..m...m'lord, I'm from New North Minesota."
Yavorn glanced down, and noticed for the first time that the Youth's weapon was a bladed Giant Finger. Modeled after the ancient Foam Fingers of the days of Football. That explained everything.
The people of the Minesota Town States where big time complainers, but very loyal to the Viking Cause, and great to have in a fight. They fought dirty they did. Yavorn sighed, and dropped the youth.
"Do your best..."
"Yes M'lord!"
Yavorn turned around, and took up his place on the prow, they where almost to land, another minute, and the fighting would begain. He pulled his sword from it's scabbard, and ran his finger along the sharpened blade.
With a sudden lurch, that almost sent Yavorn over the edge, the Longboat landing craft hit the shore.
"HAHA! Let the blood of our enemy flow freely today!"
Yavorn jumped from the ship, and hit the ground. Troops all around ran forward screaming with joyus rage. If that was possible... They reached the first hut, and with weapons waving, slashed into it, and through it. It was empty. Being a hive creature, most of the Taarhoon's personal posecions featured around the indepented Males of the species. Only they had independent thought from the Queen Minds. The queen minds, where also independet of each other, and each Queen and high loyalty to other Queens, which where it's sisters. All the huts belonged to the males, which which where the explorers, and buisnesshoons of the species.
Maybe the huts occupent was away for today, thought Yavorn. It didn't matter. There goal was the Queen's Compound at the center of the town. But, as the viking warriors progressed, they found hut after empty hut.
A scream from his left, Yavorn turned quickly, and let out a startled oath. The ground was being ripped apart as a flood of Taarhoon workers and warriors exploded upward. Mandibles as sharp as the sharpest knife sliced together, slicing through the chinks in armor, multi-taloned hands gripped long shock spears, a weapon that fired archs of electricity at enemies from 2 pointed prongs, luckly the Valkyrie had done it's job, rendering the weapon near useless as a projectile, and leaving it as an akward melee combat weapon. The Vikings surged forward, screaming, at the same time, the massed Taarhoon screeched out, and exploded into motion, 4 legs driving there bodies forward at a tremendous pace.
Yavorn was amongst the Taarhoon and slashing away with his sword even before he had realized what he, himself was doing. The green ichor blood the the intectoid beasts splashed through the air in waves. Another yell escaped Yavorn's throat at the carnage he was unleashing. A Shock Spear would stab forward, and instinctively, Yavorn's shield would move to intercept, and divert the attack. His sword work was a blur, as he twirled through the slower, yet larger Taarhoon. A slash of his sword could cut through the large spiderly legs, toppling the creature off balance long enough for himself, or another Vahallian to end the monster's life with a blow to the muscle that the Taarhoon called a heart.
Off to his right, Yavorn could make out his friend Sigaurd, and his great sword, slashing through the ranks of the enemy with the ease of a hot knife through butter. Grinning, Yavorn fought his way over to his friend, and managed to yell over the sounds of combat.
"My friend! This is a glorious day, a day that will be told over and over again through the ages!"
Sigaurd let out a bellow of a laugh while ducking a shock spear thrust,
"HA-HA! This is only the first of the days of glory, m'lord! Today is just the start!"
The vikings, fought like demons, the Taarhoon, fought like robots.
Now, some might wondering what demons and robots fight like. Well, Robots fight along pre-programed sets, with little change to the style unless directed by a higher up, i.e. the Taarhoon queen. The robots do not know fear, and would ignore the deaths of comrades.
Demons on the otherhand, fight...well like demons. A total zeal for combat, able to change stratergies, and find the weakness in the enemy.
Within what seemed like minutes, but was actually almost an hour, the Viking attack had brought the Taarhoon resistence to it's knees. The Compound gates where in sight. Scores of dead Taarhoon littered the battlefield, but amongst them where Vikings, who lost their lives in the combat. Yavorn stood facing the walls, preparing to order the attack When suddenly, 12 highly armored, Warrior Caste Guards broke through the walls to the right, each harnessed to what looked like a giant Wagon, on which the bloated form of the Queen Taarhoon rode. The wagon took off down a wide road, leading away deep into a yellowish forest.
Yavorn took a deep breath of air and bellowed, "Leave them! Finish off the survivors! And kill of any of the beasts still alive within the Compound!"
Yavorn, turned and started walking back toward the Longboats, they would need to be restarted, and restored to working order. The The core systems of the Longboats where protected from the EMP Valkyrie blast, if the pilot shut them down on ship splashdown.
On his way back to the boat, he heard someone yelling.
"Hu-ZAH!!! Victory is MINE!!!"
Yavorn turned, and followed the yell, frowned when he saw Ha'Jor, his sister's second son, framed in the doorway of a male Taarhoon's hut.
"No it isn't"
Ha'Jor visibly blanched. Damn, Yavorn thought, That boy is a weiner...
"Yes it is... I killed them, I win."
Yavorn glanced down at his despised nephew.
"You didn't kill them, I didn't see you in battle, you must of been hiding"
Ha'Jor shot a dark glance at Yavorn, before lowering his gaze.
"I was not hiding, I was chopping, with my axe."
Yavorn nearly laughed, before pointing to the youth's axe.
"What? You mean this clean, sparkling, no blood on it axe?"
"Er, yeah, but... fine, I was chopping into the back of the hut."
"And why where you doing that?"
"For the loot"
"Ha'jor, you know the rules, no looting until the desinated looting times."
"But you all seemed to have everything under control already, Yavorn."
Yavorn nodded, and kicked a corpse of one of the dead defenders.
"Yes, we had everything under control, and I know you are young Ha'Jor, but what type of Vikings would we be if we started looting whenever we felt like? We must excersie control Ha'jor. Now report back to the ship."
Ha'jor, looking crestfallen, hoisted his axe, but let a hidden grin slip as he clutched his looted prize. Luckly Yavorn hadn't asked to see it.
The longboat was cast upon the shore, waves brushed against the aft section.
Ha'jor walked up to it, and his his hand upon the door's face plate, and the door, with a near silent hiss, slid open. It seemed that the pilot had already started the rebooting syquence.

Yavorn silently followed the youth, when suddenly, a giant monkey luanched itself from the shadows and attacked our brave hero. Yavorn, who had left his sword in his other pants, started screaming like a little girl and running around in circles.

If you reading this have undoubtly realized by now, that the author has gotten quiet bored with the project, and has decided to take it into a new direction.

The monkey was chewing on Yavorn's face... And suddenly Yavorn screamed in terror as he realized that the monkey was in fact the Zombie making Rat Monkeys from Peter Jackson's first film, Dead Alive, or, otherwise known as Brain Dead. Yavorn managed to squish the rat monkey with a rock... which wasn't a rock at all, but grenade!!! With the PIN MISSING!!! OH NO!!!
The grenade exploded, in his hand, and blew the zombie Yavorn into a million pieces.

On the opposite side of the universe, a little boy was lighting his sleeping dad's beard on fire. And started screeching in joy as the Dad's head was consumed in the flames to revel... A ROBOT!!! The boy just looked on in shock at his robo's dad gleeming metallic face.
"Dad! Your a ROBOT!!!"
"Yes, Son, I am, and you are actually a giant PENGUIN!!!"
The penguin pulled off the human skin.
"Yes, I was... how did you find out?"
"Your beak was showing..."
"Ah, erm, so what now?"
"Lets join forces and vanquish evil doers and crusade the flag of justice!"
The Penguin thought this over.
"Ok, LETS GO!!!"

The Penguin and the Robot become the bane of evil everywhere, and peace returned to the land. Until a plauge of Satanic Beenie Babies swept through the galaxy, killing off all penguins.
In his grief, the Robot self destructed, destroying the entire world.

In another sector of the galaxy...
The Leech people of the planet Type O Positive, where oozing up to their favorite breakfast, Space Cows.
Space Cows are giant space flying Cows, they fly through space, squirting out their army of Demon Cows on unsuspecting planets. The People of the planets eat the cows, until they cows go mad. Then these mad cows EAT THE PEOPLE, and become rulers of the planet.
Connan's father had always told him, beware of the bovines, for they are the death of us all.
Connan, rebeled against his father's teachings, and when he gained enough money, purchased a ranch. It was a fine ranch, full of cows which Connan ate daily. Then one day, while walking through the pasture, he noticed that all the cows where staring at him, drooling. Then, with a gasp, Connan remembered his father's words, and tried to run. But the cows had thought of this, and had tied his shoe laces together. Those bastards... Connan's last thought was, I wonder if I taste like chicken?
Back to the Leech people!
The Leech people where hanging around, literally. They had clamped their little mouths over the throat of the space cow, and where contently sucking away, suck suck suck... they where a sucky people. Until the Space Cow exploded. Which is a natural defence of space cows. Explode. Yep...
The explosion swept through time and space, distrupting the lives of 2 cavemen in earth's past.
"ooOoorooorrrggggggggggg..."
The other caveman suddenly realized that he was trying to comunicate with a stone, and turned to his companion.
"Sir, if you would be so kind assist me in my endevour... BOY GEORGE! I'm BRITISH!!!"
The other caveman then clubbed the brit caveman to death. Mutilated the British Caveman's corpse, then set fire to himself, all the while chanting some french song no one ever listens to or enjoys. Fara Jocka or some sort of Froggy nonsense. Luckly, before he got through the third verse, an Terminator, from the year 5000 million or something, arrived back in time, and terminated him.
A man, bored with the story that he was writing, and not interested in writing another 1000 words, decides to steal... or in the Video World, "borrow" the story of another, and make it his own. He chooses Madlibs! Hooray!
It was New Year's Day, and I was watching POPCORN ball on TV with my friends Jackie, Pam, Peter, and Billy.
"Hey, Pam," Peter said, "What is your New Year's resolution?"
"I am going to learn to play the Accordian," she said. "Then I am going to play it at nursing homes. I am sure it will make the residents freaky."
"That's Stinky," said Jackie. "I am going to volunteer in a shelter for homeless Piggies and Kittens. They are so cute. How about you, Peter?"
"I am going to help out around the house," he said. "Every night, I will put the Toilets and the Vacuums in the dishwasher without being asked."
"I want to improve my grades," said Billy. "I will study math, science, and burning every night."
They all turned to me.
"What is your New Year's Resolution, Dave?"
"I'm not making one," I said. "I'm perfectly ugly already!"
"Thats for damn sure" All four chorused at the same time. We all had a good laugh at that. Then of course, I had them all killed.
Deciding that his teacher might be a little annoyed with the current lack of direction, the author decides that he should get back on track and write about... the death maze of death!
The judge sat, towering over the man.
"You are senteced to run the Maze, if you survive, you will be set free, if you die, your corpse will be mutilated, and shot into space just for the hell of it."
But, no, the author does not want to go in this direction, his mind is shot, and nothing he could do can bring it back on track. He had worked all weekend trying to think of a story line. The space viking thing started out well, but it quickly got boring, and the author started to despise the story's charachters. So, with the remaining 700 something words, the author has decided to write a short script. Which is part of this short story! I SWEAR! It all one thing, not seperate ideas clustered together!
The key subject is a man, black pants, dark blue leather like button shirt, and a trenchcoat. Black shoes, and a black sun glasses. He is watching a person, he looks like an average joe.. Who this is at the time does not matter, so how about we listen in to what is happening.
The man in the dark clothes speaks out.
"Your assignment is late, and I have been sent to collect it, or your life."
The average joe stands defiently. And answers back with his chin held high.
"The assignment was a joke Bounty Hunter, I spit on you! Patoo!"
The man is splashed in the face with what seems like a bucket of water. The man takes off his glasses, and shakes his head quickly from side to side, shedding the water and is instantly dry!
"I do not care if the assignment was a joke, my Job was to bring it, or you, in."
"Like HELL YOU WILL!" The Student screams, and pulls out a gun. He proceeds to unload the entire clip at the Bounty Hunter.
The Bounty Hunter jumps sideways, dodging behind a cement construct of some sort. And pulls his own gun.
"Give it up Student! You have no chance!"
"You will never take me alive!" The Student takes off running.
The bounty hunter glances around the side, sees the student running, and takes off after him.
A 10 minute running firefight procceeds into the building, and into studio A. Where a fight of fists, and swords, and knives takes place. Or PCP pipes, either or, I'm really open to either.
Finally, the Bounty Hunter suceeds in taking down the student, and leads him to... *gasp* the Warlord Rex's Room. A masked man sits behind a desk, looking... evil.
"My Lord, I have apphernded the student"
"Excellent Bounty Hunter, your extra credit will be delivered within your next report card as promised."
"Thank you M'lord!"
"Begone! I have to teach this filth a lesson!"
Warlord Rex indicates the Student Prisoner.
The Door shuts, and the Bounty Hunter walks away as screams fill the passage behind him. Fade to black.
Yep... that should take care of... what the hell?!? 300 words left, GOD DAMMIT...
Something else again... damn 300 words...
The land was green with spring, cute little birds flew overhead, and giant green grasshopper, the size of volvo's where hopping everywhere. Upon these Grasshoppers where the famed Grasshopper Riders. Rifles clenched in fists, the G.H. Riders where the shepards of the new west. They where helping to rebuild civilization after the author wrote this shortstory. In the distant past, the Author turned it in, and it bombed bad, in the atomic catagory. Wipping out all people in a 20 mile radius. Now of course, the U.S. Government's Cowboy of a president figured we where being attacked, and retaliated, against Canada... who he claimed to be a terrorist hotbed and breeding ground.
The nations of NATO where shocked into stupidity... which I guess was better then being completely stupid at all times. Well anyway, with the destruction of North America during the 100 year Canada/U.S. Wars, the world fell into chaos, with nukes flying everywhere.
1000 years later, the Grasshopper Riders Brigade where hopping through the remains of a small town in Tacoma, and uncovered, within a buried basement, a operational computer with this shortstory saved on it's harddrive.
Well, in the end, we all learned that David, while good at writing short things, tiny things, less then 500 word things, is totally lost in the independed Short Story writing buisness and lets just give him a good grade and let bygones be bygones eh?
Oh God, 33 Freaking words needed... Um
As I sit here, completating the reaction of the Teacher, I think to myself...
"Why the Hell did I ask for a script writing class last quarter?"
Well, I have to live with my world of pain and hurt. I am noticebly running out of ideas, and I live in horror of what the next assignment will be.
(The Moral of the Story is, Always look both ways before jumping in front of a bus. Make sure no small children are present, you might give them nightmares for the rest of their lives.)

THE END!!! HU-ZAH!!!