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  #51  
WhiteRat WhiteRat is offline
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Old Jan 7th, 2008, 12:49 AM       
Whatever. One question for you though. Do you find using a vibrator degrading?
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...and so Hurley said: "Get your money, man. Don't be no couch potato hustla."
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  #52  
Chojin Chojin is offline
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Old Jan 7th, 2008, 12:51 AM       
more true bedtime stories, less fondling the new girl.
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  #53  
Esuohlim Esuohlim is offline
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Old Jan 7th, 2008, 02:13 AM       
ALL RIGHT KIDS, TAKE IT TO THE CHAT ROOM THREAD: http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8799

Any further posts from you in this thread will be moved there anyway.

:modpowers
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  #54  
mburbank mburbank is offline
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 04:57 PM       
Back when I was touring in the 80's, I had my one and only casual affair with a very pretty comedian. She was also quite the sexual athlete, but the entire time I kept thinking, 'This certainly looks good, I really ought to be enjoying it more, or at all.'

I stayed the night but woke up about three AM from a horrible nightmare that I was being chased by eight foot tall bugs. I ran into a room and tried to slam the door on them, and managed to, but several twitching bugs legs wedged their way through and were scrabbling around trying to get at me.

I didn't scream when I woke up, but it took some effort.

I suppose this means I'm insane.
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  #55  
Tadao Tadao is offline
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 05:14 PM       
No, sleeping with Paula Poundstone has that effect on everyone.
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  #56  
mburbank mburbank is offline
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 05:27 PM       
It wasn't anyone famous. I would have so name dropped if it was. On the other hand, she'd once slept with one of the Indigo Girls.
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  #57  
Cosmo Electrolux Cosmo Electrolux is offline
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Old Jan 10th, 2008, 09:19 AM       
I feel like I need a shower now....
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  #58  
HickMan HickMan is offline
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Old Jan 14th, 2008, 02:06 AM       
You guys ready to L OH L?

This is kind of a long story. BUT IT'S A GOODIE! And sorry for all the backstory...but I'm going to write an epic tale about it one day.
-----------------------------------


So...I'm on this cruise last April, right? I went with my friend and his family to the Caribbean. Beautiful. If you ever get the chance, then go. Unknown to me was that stepping onto that boat would be the end of my boy-hood and start the MANLY life with a double kill

My friend and me are checkin' out this huge boat. It was the Celebrity Century, if you're curious. There's everything. A nightclub, a casino, two pools, three hottubs. Oh the hottubs...So I'm checking out the hottubs and peering to see who was relaxing in them while my friend was playing around with his new digital camera. I'm also convinced my friend is asexual.

Anyway...I look in and see these two beautiful blonds. Now...I'm lookin' good. I've got my beach bod goin and my Top Gun sunglasses. I ask if they're goin anywehre soon. They tell me that they're staying in the hottub and are willing to save me a spot (yeah...I'm good). I rush up to my room and get my swimming shorts on. Go back down to the deck where they are and hop in.

It turns out the one I was really interested in (blonde, big tits, tan, shorter) brought her friend (blonde, smaller tits, tanner, and tall) from New York with her Parents. Anyway...that doesn't matter. They were ridiculously hot. That's all that really mattered.

So my fingers were getting pruney and I felt like hanging out with my buddy. So I told them I'll see them around. Met up with my friend and smoked a cigar at the back of the ship drinkin' a cool brew. I told him about the two girls and he said he just wants to relax. I told him if he doesn't wingman with me I'll have to take things in my own hands and have sex with both of them.

So that night I'm hanging out at the Hemisphere Lounge. The dance club. I'm there with my friend and the two girls walk in. They sit down and I introduce them to my friend. He was friendly but uninterested. So they got bored quick. They said they're going to go on the floor and dance. I soon followed. I was being all Rico Suave and dancing with both of them while my friend was watching...which was kinda sad. They were both grinding on me and having fun and whatnot. I look at one and she was eyefucking me. I looked at the other one and she was doing the same thing.

Eventually we all get tired and say goodnight. The short one told me she'll see me the next day and sort of grabbed my chubby cock (they were REALLY good dancers) with her friend following giving me one last eye-quickie.

The next day we're in port at Key West. Absolutely gorgeous there. Go before you die. So my friend and me are walkin' around and it's a cool place. We buy some nice cigars and get back on the boat around 3. We had to leave early to get to Cozumel, Mexico (which is a shitpile)

So I'm walkin around the main deck and the two girls see me and scream to me from the upper deck to go there to tan with them. I go up the stairs and meet them. It was kinda like in caddy shack where the italian jerk caddy was oiling the hot girl's back. But I was doing that with TWO hot girls. Take that daygo. So they're gettin all flirtsy told me they signed me up for a contest on the boat. I said what kinda contest and they told me it was for the KING OF THE CENTURY. Just some contest to entertain the crowed. I see my competition. Three other guys. But they're about 35-40 years older then me. So I'm up there doing tarzan impressions and singing to women trying to get the crowed to vote for me. I came in second place to some black guy. I admit, he was one cool dude, though.

But that contest got me noticed on the boat. Everyone knew my name. And a whole bunch of guys from New York City were drunk enough to think I looked like Screech, from Saved By the Bell. Granted, I do have curly hair...so whatever. I go back to the upper level and lay down with the two girls. The loud obnoxious New Yorkers invite me over with them to drink a couple beers. I ask the girls if they wanna come but I got the feeling they were a little intimidated by them. The one was a diehard Jets fan. And a couple years back when the Steelers won the Superbowl, he got a Steelers helmet tattoo on his arm because he was so drunk. Those are the types of guys they were. So we're talkin and drinkin some brew. And one comes up to me and asks "HEY, SCREECH, WHICH ONE OF THEM BITCHES YOU GONNA FUCK? CUZ I WANT THE OTHER!" I told him I don't know and that they're both underage LOL. Another buts in and asks "HEY YO, SCREECH, YOU EVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN BEFORE?" I told them no but that's going to change after this trip. A simultaneous "AWWW" and "OHHHH" came from all of their mouths. And one that I remember in particular, named Ray, who, was in fact, gay. Told me that with their help, I'm going to fuck both of those broads before this cruise is over.

So I say goodbye to my new friends from NYC and the girls from Syracuse. The rest of the day was typical cruise bullshit. Fancy dinners. Dressing nice. Drinking and smoking expensive cigars. Without paying for any of it.

We hit Mexico and I walk off with my buddy. We walk around for a grand total of three hours and get back on the boat. Because Mexico just pissed us off. All they did was sit and smoke weed. It's so dirty. Seriously...fuck Mexico. Plus the food on the boat was way better.

I'm walkin around and find the two girls in the hottub again (this time they exchanged bathing suites). But I'm in a suite and tie. Just got out of another fancy dinner about to smoke another amazing cigar. I told them I'll meet them at the Hemisphere later that night. They agreed.

A couple hours passed and I'm in my "Hey I look really good" clothes goin' down to the dance club. When all of a sudden the New Yorkers are drunk and trying to find 'THE DISCO! YO SCREECH YOU KNOW WHERE THE DISCO'S AT?' I told them I was going there and they an follow me. They told me that 'WE CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU, SCREECH!' I told them I was meeting the girls at the bar to dance. And Gay Ray told me that if he don't find a man to sleep with tonight I can take his room and drink all the booze in the place if I think I can get lucky with the girls. He hands me his room card. I look at it. It was on one of the top floors in a suite! Huge balcony with great view. He told me how to get there in detail.

I meet up with the two girls at the Hemisphere and we're dancing together. All the while the New Yorkers are feeding me and the girls drinks. I never had an Irish Car Bomb before that night. So I'm pretty plastered and I can tell the two girls want to get somewhere more quiet and comfortable. That's when I ask. "Do you want to come up to my room?" They said sure.

So I leave the Hemisphere and give Gay Ray the discrete Thumbs UP. We go to the room. Now...I've never seen this room before. I had no idea how nice or shitty it was going to look. Well...when you pay extra for those fancy suites...you get your money's worth. Instead of a mini fridge filled with Corona and other shit. It was a full fridge/freezer with Cristal Champaign, vintage wine, Bohemia, and a whole mess of fancy alcohol. And the bed of course was a king. Perfectly folded. Those maids sure are better then the comfort inn!

We go out on the balcony and listen to the light waves hit the side of the ship. There's about five chairs on the balcony and one bench. I move the bench forward so it's close to the glass of the balcony. I sit in the middle and the two girls sit in between me. We pop open a bottle of champaign and start drinking...CLASSY. The two girls are talking to me one at a time asking me a whole bunch of questions. Am I that interesting? The short one finally asks me. 'So...Screech, are you a virgin?' I told her that if she ever would of watched saved by the bell she would of known that screech was the biggest pimp there was. She asked again. "Ok. Clayton, are you a virgin?" I admitted yes.

The short girl looks at her tall friend and asks if I think they both were cute. I told them both that there aren't too many girls like them around my home. They giggle and then look at me with those eyefucking eyes again. The tall one leans in and kisses me. Not hardcore makeout session, but a good wet one. Then the Short one with big tits turns my head and then starts kissing me. This one had a little more 'uhhhh' to it.

So they're kissing me. They unbutton my shirt and then rub my stomach. They start kissing each other and the short one asks "So Mr. Screech, do you like that?" All I could muster to say was "This is awesome".

They both pull me up from the bench. Each one has one of my hands. The short one grabbed the Champaign and we went inside. They lead me to the huge fucking giant of a bed and we all sit down. We pass around the champaign again drinking right out of the bottle. I never understood why rappers love that shit so much. It was good...but not amazing. Anyway, I lay down and rub my shoes off. They do the same. The tall one reaches up and dims the lights. While she was doing this the short one asked if I wanted to get under the covers with them because it was cold. I politely agreed. Knowing that it would be way too difficult to get comfortable when I was in the middle and not under the covers.

So all three of us are finally under the covers and miraculously find one of each of their hands on my cock! I know! The tall one told me that I'm not like any guy they've met and they both like me. They think I'm hot, charming and funny. The short one chimed in and told me "So we want to fuck you." I, again, politely agreed. They unzip my pants and start doing that whole double-handjob thing you think you've only seen in porn. The tall one goes down under the covers and starts blowing me. Now, I've had PLENTY of blowjobs in the past, but it's just so much cooler getting one and making out with another girl at the same time. While I'm getting fellatied, the short one takes off her clothes and basically shoves her pus in my face. So I'm trying not to jizz everywhere from this amazing blowjob AND eat this other girl out. You only see this type of this in the movies.

So I needed a few seconds from the blowjob to cool down. I get up. At this point both of them are now naked. I look at the short one and she opens her legs again. (Anyone getting a chubby yet?) I slide my dick inside her and start humping slowly. I'm standing up and shes on her back on the bed. I'm ramming her pretty hard not and she's going nuts. For a good fifteen minutes I'm railing the shit out of her and she's moaning like there's not tomorrow. Finally I feel my cock getting squeezed really hard. Like Ted Nugent's STRANGLE HOLD. I got the short one to orgasm. So the two girls switch positions. Not I'm fucking the tall one. But she told me to bend her over and fuck her doggystyle. Now, I don't know about you guys but once I slid it in there from the back end, I was ready go cum all over the joint.

I quickly pulled out and told them I'm about to cum. They got down on their knees and waited for it. I thought 'NO FUCKING WAY. THIS IS TOO COOL!' Now I didn't beat off for a couple days before the trip and on the cruise you've got no time to, really. So I had a good strand going. The short one with big tits got covered while I left the tall one mostly untouched. I figured, since I didn't get her to orgasm, she doesn't deserve a face full of jizz...yet.

I told them I was going to take a bath to clean up. That fucking tub in that room was bigger then the hottubs on the deck. So I hop in after the warm water filled it up. The tall girl followed. Still, naked, she asks if I'm ready. I told her to bend over. She bent over the tub and on to the marble shelving area. It was all connected so it didn't really matter. I'm fucking her pretty hard now. Getting bold, I start pulling her hair and slapping her ass. Spilling water all over the bathroom. Her pussy wasn't as tight as the short girls with big tits. Oh well. I fucked her til she orgasmed too. She squirted all this shit into the tub. Then I pulled out and came all over her back...rawful.

Getting out of the bathroom I find the short girl smoking a cigarette. I light a cigar. I felt like Hugh Hefner. Only with a cotton robe. But Egyptian Cotton, at that.

They asked me for my phone number which I gave them. We're still in contact here and there but I don't plan on meeting them any time soon. Nothing could beat that. Except if they had more friends.

The story wasn't really that funny...just badass I guess
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  #59  
Esuohlim Esuohlim is offline
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Old Jan 14th, 2008, 02:24 AM       
I AM DISAPPOINTED, SIR, THAT YOU FAILED TO RECEIVE A BLOWJOB FROM THESE TWO GIRLS SIMULTANEOUSLY

But yeah I mean who hasn't had sex on a cruise ship with two girls at the same time, though? It's just another Tuesday for me

Spoilers!
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  #60  
Sam Sam is offline
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Old Jan 14th, 2008, 02:33 AM       
I find that story to be shallow and pedantic.

J/K HICKMAN THAT IS A NICE STORY FOR A ROOKIE, DON"T WORRY MAN LOTS OF WIMMENS WILL COME (LOL GET IT) AND GO (YEA THEY BETTER GO I DON"T WANT THEM SKANKS HANGIN AROUND SKANKIN UP THE PLACE AMIRITE) I MEAN I REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY WHEN I WAS LIKE YOU JUST STARTING OFF IN THE WORLD OF SEXUAL EXPLORATION WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS AND IT GETS BETTER SO DON"T WORRY.
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  #61  
HickMan HickMan is offline
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Old Jan 14th, 2008, 06:26 AM       
OH SAM DON'T WORRY ONCE AFTER THAT HAPPENED I BECAME THE JUKEBOX HERO OF ONE NIGHT STANDS!

SPOILERS! (I don't know how to do the whole eye thing yet so F off jerks)
I kinda left out the small bit from my story about when I was done cumming for the first time I slapped my dick on the short one's tongue. Which I saw in a porno once.
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  #62  
MattJack MattJack is offline
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Old Jan 14th, 2008, 07:16 AM       
Wow.

If that story was in brail, blind people would jerk it so much that they'd lose their non-eyesight.

I felt amazingly dirty when reading that, so

I APPROVE OF THIS MESSAGE BY HICKMAN
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  #63  
Zomboid Zomboid is offline
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Old Jan 14th, 2008, 11:34 AM       
You should go and hijack seth's "king of awesomeland" thread with that story.
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That was very funny. Well done.
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  #64  
Chojin Chojin is offline
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Old Jan 14th, 2008, 03:20 PM       
that's nothing compared to BAPE'S exploits.
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  #65  
HickMan HickMan is offline
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Old Jan 14th, 2008, 03:24 PM       
YOUR mistake is trying to compare anything of BAPE's to the rest of the world.
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  #66  
mburbank mburbank is offline
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Old Jan 15th, 2008, 01:37 PM       
Did you at any point during this fall asleep and dream about being chased by gigantic bugs? 'Cause that's what I want to know about.
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  #67  
Cosmo Electrolux Cosmo Electrolux is offline
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Old Jan 15th, 2008, 03:35 PM       
was this womans name Kafka, by any chance, Max?
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  #68  
Orastella Orastella is offline
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Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 03:34 AM       
My boyfriend was fingering me, and it was starting to get good. Then all my muscles down there relaxed and I farted right in his face. He retreated quickly, and wouldn't anyone? After he got over the shock, (and it was more of a toot than a smell) he got back to making me squirm and moan. Then I farted again. Repeat of before and when I started getting close to orgasm for the 3rd time, my body unclenched and I laid a fourth fart right in his face. By then, the mood was completely unsalvageable. Not even my horny near-virgin boyfriend could withstand such a barrage of farts.

(He has not remained near virgin because of me. He was raised with all that Catholic guilt, so we only get up to foreplay pretty much.)
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  #69  
MattJack MattJack is offline
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Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 04:15 AM       
Good way to ruin a man for life.

He inhaled hot fart at point blank while not even being close to prepared for it. Pol Pot used that shit on his prisoners.
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  #70  
HickMan HickMan is offline
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Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 09:05 AM       
I think queefs have to be the funniest noise in the world
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  #71  
Sam Sam is offline
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Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 08:37 PM       
I believe what you are referring to is the "Puerto Rican Fog Bank".
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  #72  
Orastella Orastella is offline
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Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 09:55 PM       
yeah, queefs are funny and not stinky.

God I hope I didn't ruin him. He seemed to still be eager last time we were alone.
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  #73  
saltshakermaniac saltshakermaniac is offline
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Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 11:12 PM       
Alright I gotta throw in my story. I used to work at a truck stop outside of town, it was a pretty big place that had laundrymat and a buffet restraunt inside it. So i was working as a dish washer in the kitchen and there was this one waitress that started working there and I started talking to on my smoke breaks. So after a few days of flirting with me we just decied to go back to her appartment after work one night. About an hour latter she gets on top and starts grindin away, yeah she was good but after a few minutes something didnt feel right. So i turn the light on and see that theres blood all over me, so i push her off she goes flying and starts screaming "what the fuck is wrong with you???!!!" and i just said why the fuck didnt you tell me you were on a rag? Needless to say it was all over after that and i just got dressed and left and quit that job a few days latter.
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  #74  
MattJack MattJack is offline
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Old Jan 23rd, 2008, 05:29 AM       

;lkjdg;kjhfg;ljkhfdsg

That is fuckin' disgusting!
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  #75  
saltshakermaniac saltshakermaniac is offline
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Old Jan 23rd, 2008, 09:44 AM       
Yeah I know thats pretty bad (by far the worst exsperince Ive EVER had). But hey thats what i get for hooking up with a skank that worked at a truck stop.
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