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  #26  
resident-adam resident-adam is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 06:59 AM       
Very well written and insightful, but of little to no use to an Imperial Stormtrooper. maybe your next article should be "How to survive a laser gun shoot-out in your shiny white plastic armor" or "How to ACTUALLY hit a main Star Wars character, even though your only 6 feet away". Those would be great.
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  #27  
Mystik Tomato Mystik Tomato is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 07:39 AM       
I disagree with #1. You're much less likely to be killed taking a whiz, rather than "smashing one out". I think that there's at least 2 occasions in Friday the 13th alone when someone's taking a dump ant they get killed. (Of course, I'm just going off of memory here.)

Anyway, the rest of the list is excellent, Proto!
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  #28  
Mr T L Wolf Mr T L Wolf is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 09:29 AM       
Pfft, must mean I'm tough. Not only do I live in Maine, I live, like, a couple miles from Stephen King's house.
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  #29  
OxBlood OxBlood is offline
drifting in the void
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 09:41 AM       
-Never answer the phone, itīs your mother, but you die withing 20 seconds (Same as with the strange noise)

-NEVER watch TV. You donīt want to see whatever they show. If a TV is on when you enter the room - SMASH it at once, no matter whatīs on the screen. Beware white noise-thingies

-Same with mirrors. Smash īem. You know what you look like, no need to take a peek

-To extend the Doll-Law: Anything inanimate with a face has to be destroyed immediately, especially if it gets dark

-If you can be sure, there is no monster in the movie you are in, kill everyone around you, better safe than sorry, because one of them must be the killer. I know, this makes YOU the killer but you have to surprise the movie so it canīt react accordingly OR you are in a movie without a happy end and that basically means - You win!
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  #30  
Roggs Roggs is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 11:03 AM       
Indeed on the mirrors. AVOID THEM. The worst thing you can do in a horror movie is bend over infront of a mirror to grab something or wash your face and then look back up.

Also, arm yourself and stay armed. This one seems like common sense to me but it's something so many horror movie victims ignore.

I also have to disagree on the military point. You'll have the skills and go out in a hurrah, but you will still die like a dog.

The most crucial thing is to be the take-charge guy (or, if female, to feel close to and eventually develop a romantic relationship with the take-charge guy). These are the only two people who will survive, so get over that social awkwardness fast. If you miss the window and someone else takes the role, becoming the pissy guy who always insists on doing something else is NOT the good alternative. You're just going to have to edge out that (other) female and become the love interest of the protagonist. This could be very awkward if you are a man as well, but do you want to live or not?
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  #31  
RaNkeri RaNkeri is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 11:12 AM       
-Never take food from the fridge, because

a) The Killer will always be hiding behind the open fridge door, ready to attack you when you close the door

b) The Killer will always attack you when you close the door and turn around

Also, the killer can use the fridge door to smash your head

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  #32  
slangislayer slangislayer is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 01:26 PM       
27. If you suddenly hear violins in a stakkato rhythm, youīre screwed.
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  #33  
Sleazeappeal Sleazeappeal is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 03:47 PM       
Rule 20 Corollary:

If you're in a horror/musical/comedy, only ask to use the phone in the weird, creepy place if you're INTO that sort of thing!
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  #34  
Geminate Geminate is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 06:57 PM       
While this is sage advice for the 80s-90s horror, the latest horror and (ugh) porn-horror seems to be breaking most of these rules, especially numbers 1, 6, 8, 14, 17, 23 and 25.
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  #35  
Fear N Loathing Fear N Loathing is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 07:21 PM       
Add another rule: Chainsaws never run out of gas, or get dull. Use as frequently as possible. Just like Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.
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  #36  
Beardy Goodness Beardy Goodness is offline
good fer what ails ye.
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 07:33 PM       
Oxblood, you made me think of something: Become the monster/killer. I don't care what you do, go insane, drink chemicals, mess with your DNA, etc. Because if you are the monster, you most likely won't be killed, and even if you are you have a 88.62% chance of coming back, and will most likely gain a lucerative film career! Unless it's a zombie flick, in which case just be badass.
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  #37  
Beardy Goodness Beardy Goodness is offline
good fer what ails ye.
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 07:42 PM       
P.S., resident-Adam has a great idea, so do it, goddamn it!
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  #38  
Drunken_Lemur408 Drunken_Lemur408 is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 07:55 PM       
Geminate, I'm not sure I understand. Could you give the class an example?
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  #39  
Orastella Orastella is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 09:12 PM       
Yeah, if you're the monster/killer you're safe until the end of the movie... until they make the sequel.
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  #40  
testtube testtube is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 09:50 PM       
Ok well, to survive a slasher film, but how do you survive a FULCI movie? None of the victims in his movies do anything that makes any fucking sense at all. In fact its as if they're following these exact rules, and they still die.
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  #41  
ds394 ds394 is offline
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Old Sep 12th, 2008, 12:39 AM       
I had to register to give my advice:

Try to be about 10 years old and cute. You will NOT be killed and everyone will work to protect you. If you can't fake being 10 years old, act really innocent and pretend you have a mental disability. You'll have a much better chance of surviving.
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  #42  
autodidact autodidact is offline
age 8 1/2
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Old Sep 12th, 2008, 02:59 AM       
-Don't be 'The Slut' of the group.
-Don't pick up hitchhikers.
-Don't run out of gas or get flat tires.
-That's not the sound of a branch scraping up against the house.
-Don't know what it is? Don't run up to it and touch it. Curiosity killed that cat and it will get you too.
-Hit or run over something with your car? Keep driving, use the mirrors to look back, that's what they're for.
-The first person you think could possibly help you? They can't. They're already dead at the second their name entered your mind.
-Evil death-bringers can teleport. Just cause every time you see them they're shambling along doesn't mean they won't be where you least expected them to be.
-Disbelief and ridiculing old legends will get you killed. Usually as you speak the words, 'That old lady is crazy. Only an idiot would believe in the...Oh Shit'.
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  #43  
OxBlood OxBlood is offline
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Old Sep 12th, 2008, 03:01 AM       
How about I try to be the monster while looking just like my Avatar? That would be pretty creepy I think...a handdrawn chibi-anime-chick...no...not a good idea, Iīll think of something else.
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  #44  
Primortal Primortal is offline
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Old Sep 12th, 2008, 11:16 PM       
-If Guns Are Proven Not to Work, Don't Keep Using Them: If someone was just shooting at the monster/alien/killer whatsit and got killed and/or eaten... don't under any circumstances think that shooting at it will work for you either.

-There's Always a Queen Monster: There's almost always a queen somewhere. Even if the species of monster is never known to have a queen of ANY sort... one usually manages to pop up somewhere.

-Close the Resorts: If horrible murders are occurring near, around, or IN your lake, river, beach, or pool resort... 9 times out of 10 that's not a good sign. So be a smart person and close the damn things down. A little low income is a hell of a lot better than having MORE dead bodies on your hands. It also doesn't work well for your P.R. either.

-Scientists Are Always Right: When a scientist is explaining the bad things that can and most likely WILL happen if said experiment/chemical/etc. is used, they are right. That's why they're scientists, and you're not. But if they sport an eyepatch, a scar, or an evil goatee... (or all of the above) be wary of their motives.

-Differing Agendas Stipulation: Scientists may always be right, but will also, almost always, have differing agendas than yours when it comes to monsters/aliens/etc. While it's quite obvious that the monster(s) you're all facing are not of the passive/kind variety, that will NEVER stop scientists from wanting to study them... preferrably alive. Thus, they should NEVER be left near anything with which they could jeopardize YOUR attempts to kill the Monster. EVER.
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  #45  
Mister Tea Mister Tea is offline
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Old Sep 13th, 2008, 08:36 PM       
There's another exemption to #2: If you're being played by a rapper, you can kick your heels up and relax; there's a 99% chance that you're going to be just fine. In case you're nervous about those odds, keep in mind that using the phrase "Oh shit! I'm gonna die with all these crazy motherfuckin' white people!" will boost your chances of survival to a full 100%.

There's also another stipulation to #8: While soldiers are often given a break, don't expect the same treatment if you're a police officer. If you are a cop, even if there aren't any others around, then you'd better damn well believe what those hysterical kids are telling you or else you're kicking the bucket very soon.

And GreyWeirdo's observation about being part of a a group of soldiers, is spot on. If you are unfortunate enough to be in this bracket; try to be the only survivor of your squad's inevitable massacre, whereupon you'll then receive the protection offered by Rule #8.
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  #46  
Primortal Primortal is offline
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Old Sep 14th, 2008, 11:28 PM       
*adds a stipulation to Mister Tea's observation about soldiers* This doesn't seem to work for minority members of said group of soldiers, same with "tough-as-nails-but-has-a-heart-of-gold" female soldiers. You might as well stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye, because there's very little chance of your survival.
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  #47  
Mister Tea Mister Tea is offline
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Old Sep 15th, 2008, 12:40 AM       
Further stipulation: if you happen to be a female soldier, do a quick check of the other females in the cast. If any of them are hotter than you, then Primortal's already made your fate clear; the best you can hope for is a heroic death while rescuing the hot chick. If you're otherwise a minority soldier, check for any wisecracking black guys played by L.L. Cool J. If you see one, then shoot him if want to live through this thing. Can't stress it enough.

By the way: love the avatar, Primortal. Rowsdower for Prime Minister!
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  #48  
Mojomajik9 Mojomajik9 is offline
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Old Sep 15th, 2008, 07:04 AM       
Seriously, killing your type of character is like black tar heroin to movie monsters.

HAHAHA brilliant. Loved that quote.

Also, if you happen to be of Native American descent, and you figure out there's a monster on the loose before the whities do, don't do something stupid like try to take it on yourself with just a stick and medicine bag.

When running away from the monster into a safe room/house/building after slamming and locking the door, don't then lean against it for a sigh of relief. You're about to be torn in two.

At the beginning of this adventure, when someone says, "Hey, let's NOT go to this spooky place. It's dangerous!" heed their advice. Conversely, if some jackass says, "Hey! Let's go to that place where people get chopped up like they're salmon on Iron Chef!" throw them from the car and keep going.
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  #49  
Mister Tea Mister Tea is offline
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Old Sep 15th, 2008, 01:45 PM       
Exception for mystical Native Americans: if the monster is the product of anything built over a tribal burial ground, however, you're the only one who can stop it. But don't attempt to right away; the other characters have to exhaust every possible attempt to kill the creature first.
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  #50  
SPINAL SPINAL is offline
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Old Sep 16th, 2008, 08:50 AM       
Regarding #1, I cite the the classic bathroom death of Demon from Friday the 13th, Part 5 - A New Beginning.

Demon was doing a number 2 in a portapotty after having Taco Smell and Jason took him out. Of course, Jason did not actually go into the smellhouse-- he impaled through it with a spear!
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