Go Back   I-Mockery Forum > I-Mockery Discussion Forums > General Blabber
FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Jeanette X Jeanette X is offline
Queen of the Beasts
Jeanette X's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: in my burrow
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 12:07 AM        Another bowel movement story
Yes boys and girls, I have another poop story for you. Sit down by the fire allow me to regale you with this tale.

On my way to my Grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving, my lower intestine decided to broadcast the following signal to my brain:


“You need to locate a toilet. Very soon.”


I pulled off the highway into the nearest exit, and began my search. Alas, nothing but farmland stretched before me, and the lower intestine moved to orange alert.


“You REALLY need to find a toilet. Its like, urgent.”


Attempting to contain my panic, I used my GPS to locate the nearest gas station. I pulled into it, my hands clutching the wheel as my lower intestine began to scream:


“You need to find a toilet. RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT KIDDING STOP SCREWING AROUND OR YOU WILL SHIT YOURSELF!"

I sprinted to the door of the Citgo station.
It was closed.
I sprinted to the bathrooms on the side, praying that they were unlocked.
They were pay toilets (what is this, 1978?), and although I had change, the owner(s) of the establishment had decided to park a large car directly in front of them, thus preventing anyone from accessing them whilst the gas station was closed.

I nearly burst into tears. I returned to my car, knowing that I would never be able to make it to the next rest stop.
Then I remembered.

(flashback)
My Dad, to a young Jeanette X who has just gotten use of the car: “Why the hell would you keep an empty coffee can in there?!”
Me: “Because you never know.”
My Dad: “You’re crazy. You should get rid of it.”


I ran to the trunk, removed the empty coffee can, pushed the passenger seat as far back as it would go, placed the coffee can on the floor of the car, and did what I had needed to do so urgently, beating my head against the dashboard in agony from the cramps that were wracking my bowels, and cursing the owners of the Citgo station. Such as my agony, sitting there, my legs cramping, the cold metal rim pressing uncomfortably into my ass-cheeks I even contemplated taking the sealed coffee-can, writing “HAPPY THANKSGIVING” on the lid, and leaving it in front of the gas station door, but I’m not that spiteful.


I called my father once the worst of it subsided and informed him, whist sitting on the (literal) can, in the bluntest possible terms, exactly why I was going to be very late.


This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the fact that I had newspaper and Quiznos napkins handy, and that I did not listen to my Dad.


Fuck you Citgo. I understand being closed on Thanksgiving, but next time, move the damn car away from the pay toilets.

Last edited by Jeanette X : Nov 28th, 2010 at 01:36 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Mockery Mockery is offline
Pickled Patriarch
Mockery's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 1969
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 12:30 AM       
It's another holiday miracle!
__________________
Talent, vigor, drive...
You'll eat peanut butter the rest of your life.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Esuohlim Esuohlim is offline
BOO! A SPOOPY GHOST :x
Esuohlim's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: TO-DO LIST: WATCH TWIN PEAKS. CALL MOM.
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 01:47 AM       
It just wouldn't be November without a Jeanette poop update
__________________


YOU MUST SPREAD SOME REPUTATION AROUND BEFORE GIVING IT TO SAM AGAIN
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Wiffles Wiffles is offline
mmm muffins
Wiffles's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Sunshine Hill
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 06:45 AM       
Such a moving story! A tale of suffering, overcoming adversity, resourcefulness and triumph
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Kitsa Kitsa is offline
teacup of sunshine
Kitsa's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: curator of the WTFbus museum
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 08:44 PM       
You'd be a great fit for poopreport.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
hot Kukuro hot Kukuro is offline
Member
hot Kukuro's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 10:16 PM       
I still got better poop stories.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
The Leader The Leader is offline
Is a RoboCop.
The Leader's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: How do you like these apples, Chojin?
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 10:18 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by hot Kukuro View Post
I still got better poop stories.
They don't call you "shit head" for nothing.
__________________
JUST DANCE!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
hot Kukuro hot Kukuro is offline
Member
hot Kukuro's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 10:22 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Leader View Post
They don't call you "shit head" for nothing.

ROTFLMFAO!!! HAHA holy shit that's just the funniest crap I've ever heard! Wow, are you just the forum favorite!... or maybe I am, now that I'm being followed around incessantly all of a sudden...
Reply With Quote
  #10  
The Leader The Leader is offline
Is a RoboCop.
The Leader's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: How do you like these apples, Chojin?
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 10:26 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by hot Kukuro View Post
ROTFLMFAO!!! HAHA holy shit that's just the funniest crap I've ever heard! Wow, are you just the forum favorite!... or maybe I am, now that I'm being followed around incessantly all of a sudden...
Yes, because I responded to another one of your shit posts in another thread. That is incessant. Let's not mention your pathetic pieces of wit which are beginning to seep onto here.

Did you figure out which threads you can post in yet?
__________________
JUST DANCE!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
hot Kukuro hot Kukuro is offline
Member
hot Kukuro's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 10:37 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Leader View Post
Yes, because I responded to another one of your shit posts in another thread. That is incessant. Let's not mention your pathetic pieces of wit which are beginning to seep onto here.

Did you figure out which threads you can post in yet?

Dude, I've been here less than a week and already understand you're the last one EVER allowed to mention wit as it pertains to someone else. In the meantime, there's plenty of something seeping ''onto'' here, that I get the feeling has been around a very long time. I'm just wondering when it'll start getting cleaned up - fast.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
The Leader The Leader is offline
Is a RoboCop.
The Leader's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: How do you like these apples, Chojin?
Old Nov 27th, 2010, 10:38 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by hot Kukuro View Post
Dude, I've been here less than a week and already understand you're the last one EVER allowed to mention wit as it pertains to someone else. In the meantime, there's plenty of something seeping ''onto'' here, that I get the feeling has been around a very long time. I'm just wondering when it'll start getting cleaned up - fast.
WIT
__________________
JUST DANCE!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Tadao Tadao is offline
☆☆☆☆☆
Tadao's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2002
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 12:02 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by hot Kukuro View Post
now that I'm being followed around incessantly all of a sudden...
Oh fucking hell, we have another one of these. We don't need another one, we just got rid of the last. Please ban him quicker.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
MLE MLE is offline
CHIEF OF POLICE
MLE's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Nice Chinese Restaurant
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 12:15 AM       
Already gave him a warning. I'll check in on his lack of progress later on.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #15  
hot Kukuro hot Kukuro is offline
Member
hot Kukuro's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 12:17 AM       
that's very encouraging, MLE.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
MLE MLE is offline
CHIEF OF POLICE
MLE's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Nice Chinese Restaurant
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 12:19 AM       
All I told you to do was chill. You're not doing a good job of it.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #17  
hot Kukuro hot Kukuro is offline
Member
hot Kukuro's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 12:32 AM       
lol, actually, i feel pretty fine.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
MLE MLE is offline
CHIEF OF POLICE
MLE's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Nice Chinese Restaurant
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 12:42 AM       
I was referring to posting so much.

http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19902

Quote:
Do not reply to everything.
If you absolutely must reply after everyone's posts, do it in the Chat Room thread in General Blabber. Otherwise this will be seen as an extreme nuisance. One of the first things an admin looks for when investigating a nuisance is the number of times they post in a day. New people should keep it under 10 posts per day. If you're registered as hot Kukuro, your post limit will be 5 a day (so make them count, son!)
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Nick Nick is offline
pickled
Nick's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Bama
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 07:15 AM       
And you're proud of pooping in a coffee cup?
__________________
"RAAARGH! DOMO-KUN SMASH PUNY WEBSITE!"
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Jeanette X Jeanette X is offline
Queen of the Beasts
Jeanette X's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: in my burrow
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 01:38 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick View Post
And you're proud of pooping in a coffee cup?
Coffee CAN.

I'm proud of my foresight in bringing it.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Chojin Chojin is offline
was never good
Chojin's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 1999
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 01:40 PM       
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Sparkles the Fairy Sparkles the Fairy is offline
Weaver of dreams
Sparkles the Fairy's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the magic gumdrop garden
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 01:42 PM       
Well I poop glitter, so nobody complains where and when I do it.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Tadao Tadao is offline
☆☆☆☆☆
Tadao's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2002
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 03:33 PM       
I would have thrown the coffee cup at the car blocking the bathroom.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
replicant replicant is offline
Superior Electric Sheep
replicant's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Richmond, Virginia
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 06:34 PM       
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm1GN-mEyvc
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Evil Robot Evil Robot is offline
hAS RUG-BURN
Evil Robot's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Non-trendy NYC enclave
Old Nov 28th, 2010, 07:02 PM       
It's amazing what people brag about on the internet.
__________________
"We're equally proud of our safety record. Not once in our nearly 50 years of operation has an animal pathogen escaped from the island."
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

   


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:27 AM.


© 2008 I-Mockery.com
Powered by: vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.