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Hurricane Horror!

Originally, I had planned on writing about some more strange Halloween novelty items these past few days. That all changed when that windy bitch, Hurricane Isabel, decided to pay our town a little visit and knock out all power around 2:30, Friday afternoon. How would we survive the impending doom that mother nature was sending towards us? Fortunately, thanks to some fully-charged camera batteries, I was able to document the grim situation...

The rare glimpse of the Virginian Caulk-Eating Spider

When the power went out, I started pacing around the house. Just what in the hell was I going to do without my precious electricity. Damn you Thomas Edison for making me a slave to "the juice", damn you! With nothing to do, I started cleaning up our place a bit for the first time in over a year and I found something spooky in the corner of my window. A spider somehow made a hole in the caulk and was living in it. I didn't know spiders could eat though or destroy caulk, but this little fella did. And it was a sweet spot because he had a shitload of bugs caught in his web of doom. Considering how much of a hardship it must have been for him to make that hole, I decided to let him stay. It's not like he was attacking me and he was eating all of the other bugs that dared to enter my home through that window. A nice symbiotic relationship.

An hour passed on by and it was time to break out the rations:


I'd been saving this brand new pack of Garbage Pail Kids for a rainy day, and that day had finally arrived. With a shiny wrapper, 3 big stickers, 1 foil sticker, and 4 pieces of gum with stickers, this looked like a promising way to kill some time and starvation.

The gum looked like it had been run over by a car, and sorta tasted that way too... but at least it was food. The miniscule "Heavin Steven" and "Ghastly Ashley" stickers that came with the gum gave me a quick nostalgic rush. Sadly, those nostalgic memories were killed off in an instant when I saw this foil card:

A fond memory turned to shiny shite.

What did those bastards do to her face!? That is not how the original Messy Tessie / Leaky Lindsay card looked. It's like they dressed up a wided-eyed guy in drag and put snot all over him. I'm sure the real reason behind this is because the Cabbage Patch Kids forced Topps to stop making Garbage Pail Kids with faces that looked similar to their own. It's fine that Topps wanted to re-release some of the classics, but if they weren't going to keep them the same, they shouldn't have done it at all. I've no problem with the new cards they've made, they're pretty damned spiffy, but destroying the faces of the original ones is an act of treason... punishable by knife to the face.

I should also note that the contest entry form that these things came with had a very strange requirement for any Canadians who wanted to enter a change to win some original GPK artwork:

Canadian Residents: Entries submitted from Canadian residents must have the following mathematical skill testing question correctly answered in order to be eligible to win a prize:
30 / 2 X 5 - 10 + 60 = __________.

I shit you not. If any Canadians would care to explain why the hell they're required to prove their math proficiency before they can enter a Garbage Pail Kids contest, I'd love to hear it.

Once the evening rolled around and we heard on the radio that power wouldn't be restored for at least a day, we called up Protoclown and he claimed to still have power. We drove through the ridiculously bad weather, (which I must say was really fun to drive in) and made our way to his house. So what do we hear when we arrive? "Dude, we just lost power 5 minutes ago! We tried to call you." Personally, I think the fucker was lying all along and just wanted us to come over so he could eat all of the frozen pizzas we were bringing since they would've gone bad in our powerless fridge anyway.

It's like an architectural version of Clue!

After gorging on a bunch of frozen foods, we all decided it to play a board game to help pass the time. It was either that or have Proto perform one of his infamous erotic dance routines, so I think we all chose wisely. The game we all agreed on was an old classic by the name of Mystery Mansion.

If you want us to build your house, we're for hire.

For those of you who have never played it, the game is based on total luck. No skill involved whatsoever, you just have to be a lucky son of a bitch to win it. You start off with the entrance, the foyer and from there you roll the dice and basically construct the "Mystery Mansion" as you go along. As you can see by the brilliant floorplan pictured above, this place would have been an architect's worst nightmare. So the object of the game is to travel from room to room while using your "search" and "clue" cards to examine different objects. There are like eight treasure chests hidden in the house and only two of them are filled with the gold that allows you to win the game. So you'll search paintings, carpets, and piano's in an attempt to find the treasure chest while screwing over the other players at the same time. How the hell you can hide a treasure chest in a piano or a painting is beyond me, but I swear that's where we found some. We also managed to steal everybody's keys and made it out to the main entrance. All we had to do was wait until our next turn and the game would be ours. Unfortunately, Wayne, whose turn was right after ours, made it out with a treasure chest as well and his also had the gold in it. So, that bastard won the game, which had already lasted for roughly 2 hours, by one turn!

Fuck you Wayne... Fuck You.

After eating some more food, we decided to make our way back home to see if Isabel had dropped a tree on our house or if any other exciting things had happened in our absence...


Say honey, do you think we can drive over it?

Ah nature... yep, the roads were completely blocked off by large trees that had fallen down. We had to try a few different routes before we could make it back to our place. It was pretty amusing though, because you would just see people whose cars were sitting in front of the tree and I could just picture them thinking, "Uh, ok, so what do we do now?" Good times.

Spooooooky candles! Ooooooo!

With the power still out and the windows leaking a lot of water from the pounding they had just suffered, we lit some Halloween candles and just sat there...

That's right, I said PELVIC ERASER.

We decided to open up our new Skeleton Stationary kit which included a skull sharpener, a rib-cage notepad, a pelvic eraser, and leg pencils. Believe it or not, they put so much thought into the construction of this kit that the sharpener was the wrong size for the pencils! Instead, we used a Sharpie marker. It was at this point when I lost all self-control. Boredom had made me hungry once again but there was no food. Well, almost no food:

I'm a bad, bad man. :(

In conclusion, Hurricane Isabel didn't do too much damage to us. Sure, she knocked out our power, pounded our windows, and even made me turn to cannibalism, but I feel wiser from the whole experience. Actually, considering all the food we ate, I think the only we can really say Hurricane Isabel accomplished was that it made us all fat. To close out this horrific tale of survival, I will now share with you something far more scary than a hurricane...

Yes, that really is a cat, and it was the best cat EVER.
A photo of my old cat.


note: if any of you want to see some photos we took of the hurricane damage here in Richmond, click here.

note #2: I-Mockery forum regular, Chojin, has just sent in his/her very own hurricane horror story too, click here.