|
Originally, I had
planned on writing about some more strange Halloween novelty items
these past few days. That all changed when that windy bitch,
Hurricane Isabel, decided to pay our town a little visit and knock
out all power around 2:30, Friday afternoon. How would we survive the impending doom that mother
nature was sending towards us? Fortunately, thanks to some
fully-charged camera batteries, I was able to document the grim
situation...
When the power went
out, I started pacing around the house. Just what in the hell was I
going to do without my precious electricity. Damn you Thomas Edison
for making me a slave to "the juice", damn you! With
nothing to do, I started cleaning
up our place a bit for the first time in over a year and I found
something spooky in the corner of my window. A spider somehow
made a hole in the caulk and was living in it. I didn't know
spiders could eat though or destroy caulk, but this little fella did. And
it was a sweet spot because he had a shitload of bugs caught in his
web of doom. Considering how much of a hardship it must have been
for him to make that hole, I decided to let him stay. It's not like
he was attacking me and he was eating all of the other bugs that
dared to enter my home through that window. A nice symbiotic
relationship.
An hour passed on by
and it was time to break out the rations:
I'd been saving this
brand new pack of Garbage Pail Kids for a rainy day, and that day
had finally arrived. With a shiny wrapper, 3 big stickers, 1 foil
sticker, and 4 pieces of gum with stickers, this looked like a
promising way to kill some time and starvation.
The gum looked like it
had been run over by a car, and sorta tasted that way too... but at
least it was food. The miniscule "Heavin Steven" and "Ghastly Ashley"
stickers that came with the gum gave me a quick nostalgic rush.
Sadly, those
nostalgic memories were killed off in an instant when I saw this
foil card:
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
What did those
bastards do to her face!? That is not how the original Messy
Tessie / Leaky Lindsay card looked. It's like they dressed up a
wided-eyed guy in drag and put snot all over him. I'm sure the real
reason behind this is because the Cabbage Patch Kids forced Topps to stop making Garbage Pail Kids with faces that looked
similar to their own. It's fine that Topps wanted to re-release some
of the classics, but if they weren't going to keep them the same,
they shouldn't have done it at all. I've no problem with the new
cards they've made, they're pretty damned spiffy, but destroying the
faces of the original ones is an act of treason... punishable by
knife to the face.
I should also note
that the contest entry form that these things came with had a very
strange requirement for any Canadians who wanted to enter a change
to win some original GPK artwork:
Canadian Residents: Entries submitted from Canadian residents
must have the following mathematical skill testing question
correctly answered in order to be eligible to win a prize:
30 / 2 X 5 - 10 + 60 = __________.
I shit you not. If any
Canadians would care to explain why the hell they're required to
prove their math proficiency before they can enter a Garbage Pail
Kids contest, I'd love to hear it.
Once the evening
rolled around and we heard on the radio that power wouldn't be
restored for at least a day, we called up Protoclown and he claimed
to still have power. We drove through the ridiculously bad weather,
(which I must say was really fun to drive in) and made our way to
his house. So what do we hear when we arrive? "Dude, we just lost
power 5 minutes ago! We tried to call you." Personally, I think the
fucker was lying all along and just wanted us to come over so he
could eat all of the frozen pizzas we were bringing since they
would've gone bad in our powerless fridge anyway.
After gorging on a
bunch of frozen foods, we all decided it to play a board game to
help pass the time. It was either that or have Proto perform one of
his infamous erotic dance routines, so I think we all chose wisely.
The game we all agreed on was an old classic by the name of
Mystery Mansion.
For those of you who
have never played it, the game is based on total luck. No skill
involved whatsoever, you just have to be a lucky son of a bitch to
win it. You start off with the entrance, the foyer and from there
you roll the dice and basically construct the "Mystery Mansion"
as you go along. As you can see by the brilliant floorplan pictured
above, this place would have been an architect's worst nightmare. So
the object of the game is to travel from room to room while using your
"search" and "clue" cards to examine different objects. There are
like eight treasure chests hidden in the house and only two of them
are filled with the gold that allows you to win the game. So you'll
search paintings, carpets, and piano's in an attempt to find the
treasure chest while screwing over the other players at the same
time. How the hell you can hide a treasure chest in a piano or a
painting is beyond me, but I swear that's where we found some. We
also managed to steal everybody's keys and made it out to the main
entrance. All we had to do was wait until our next turn and the game
would be ours. Unfortunately, Wayne, whose turn was right after
ours, made it out with a treasure chest as well and his also had the
gold in it. So, that bastard won the game, which had already lasted
for roughly 2 hours, by one turn!
Fuck you Wayne... Fuck You.
After eating some more
food, we decided to make our way back home to see if Isabel had
dropped a tree on our house or if any other exciting things had
happened in our absence...
Ah nature... yep, the
roads were completely blocked off by large trees that had fallen down. We had
to try a few different routes before we could make it back to our
place. It was pretty amusing though, because you would just see
people whose cars were sitting in front of the tree and I could just
picture them thinking, "Uh, ok, so what do we do now?"
Good times.
With the power still
out and the windows leaking a lot of water from the pounding they
had just suffered, we lit some Halloween candles and just sat
there...
We decided to open up
our new Skeleton Stationary kit which included a skull sharpener, a
rib-cage notepad, a pelvic eraser, and leg pencils. Believe it or
not, they put so much thought into the construction of this kit that
the sharpener was the wrong size for the pencils! Instead, we used a
Sharpie™
marker. It was at this point when I lost all self-control. Boredom
had made me hungry once again but there was no food. Well, almost no
food:
I'm a bad, bad man. :(
In conclusion,
Hurricane Isabel didn't do too much damage to us. Sure, she knocked
out our power, pounded our windows, and even made me turn to
cannibalism, but I feel wiser from the whole experience. Actually,
considering all the food we ate, I think the only we can really say
Hurricane Isabel accomplished was that it made us all fat. To
close out this horrific tale of survival, I will now share with you
something far more scary than a hurricane...
A photo of my old
cat.
-RoG-
note: if any of
you want to see some photos we took of the hurricane damage here in
Richmond,
click here.
note #2:
I-Mockery forum regular, Chojin, has just sent in his/her very own
hurricane horror story too,
click here.
SUGGEST THIS TO A FRIEND!
|
