Monday 3/7

8:30am - 9:00am meeting
Subject: Weekly Meetings Review
Description: In this meeting we will discuss all upcoming meetings for this week.

9:30am - 10:30am meeting
Subject: Phone Usage
Description: Personal phone calls can have a negative effect on productivity and can cost the company hundreds of dollars. If you must make a personal phone call, please use the payphones located in the employee parking lot.

11:00am - 11:45am meeting
Subject: Employee Parking
Description: Employee parking is a privilege. Please understand that while the employee parking lot is a mile away and the executive parking lot is directly underneath our building, it's only because there isn't enough room under the building for all regular employees. Also, starting March 15th, we will be leasing out 3/4ths of the employee parking lot as a truck rest stop. We urge all staff members to arrive an hour early each day to secure a spot in the employee parking lot before it fills up. As you know, there is no all-day street parking available anywhere within a 5-mile radius and we will not reimburse you for any parking or towing fees you incur.

12:00pm - 12:15pm meeting
Subject: Pre-lunch Daily Report
Description: Department members discuss their progress thus far in the day.

12:46pm - 1:00pm meeting
Subject: Post-lunch Warning
Description: Having noticed employees taking lunches in excess of 30 minutes, this meeting has been scheduled to see who shows up on time. Those who do not show up time will be required to attend a 2-week long lunch scheduling training course.

1:30pm - 2:30pm meeting
Subject: Department Objectives
Description: What is the purpose of your department and can the company potentially exist without it?

3:00pm - 3:45pm meeting
Subject: Guidelines for Cubicle Ornamentation
Description: The do's and don'ts of decorating your cubicle.

4:15pm - 5:00pm meeting
Subject: Self-Evaluations
Description: All staff members are required to turn in their self-evaluations at the end of the week. Your manager will help you write your self-evaluation.

Tuesday 3/8

8:30am - 8:45am meeting
Subject: Hardhat distribution
Description: While we initiate the installation of even brighter fluorescent lights above your cubicles, we require you to wear a hard hat. This will protect the company from lawsuits should these new light fixtures fall onto your heads.

9:30am - 10:30am meeting
Subject: Sexual harassment policy
Description: Have you been a victim of sexual harassment in the workplace? If so, this meeting will address how not to dress like a prostitute.

11:00am - 12:00pm meeting
Subject: Meet and greet with Human Resources
Description: Introduce yourself to the people who have no idea what happened to your last paycheck.

12:30pm - 1:30pm meeting
Subject: Drug screening
Description: Our mandatory in-house monthly drug screening of all employees. Please note, that this month due to a shortage of drug testers, you will be required to urinate in front of all fellow employees instead.

1:45pm - 3:00pm meeting
Subject: Computer Usage Policy Review
Description: If you're going to visit "dirtywetlovemuffin.com", at least do a better job of hiding it from us.

3:30 - 5:15pm meeting
Subject: Cafeteria Menu Update
Description: Due to a recent outbreak of a flesh-eating virus that has yet to be identified, we will no longer be serving roast beef in the cafeteria. However, the good news is that we will be serving corn dogs instead.

Wednesday 3/9

8:30am - 9:45am meeting
Subject: Cell Phones
Description: Cell phones can be a major distraction at work, and therefore we need to discuss some of these issues. Ringtones by "Cannibal Corpse" are not allowed.

10:15am - 10:45am meeting
Subject: Employee Health Plan
Description: Concerns about why we cannot cover the recent flesh-eating virus outbreak have been brought up by many infected employees. If you are infected, please do not attend this meeting, because we don't want the virus to spread and prevent other employees from completing their daily tasks.

11:00am - 12:00pm meeting
Subject: Security Badge Photos
Description: Due to an update in our security system, all employees will need to be photographed again for all new security badges. There will be a one-time fee of $55 for your new badges which we will deduct from your next paycheck.

12:45pm - 3:00pm meeting
Subject: Scavenger Hunt
Description: In order to bring employees together, we will be dividing you into groups for a fun scavenger hunt event in which you will learn all about teamwork. Your paychecks will be scattered around town and it is up to you and your team to find them. Please note, we cannot be held responsible for lost paychecks.

3:30pm - 4:00pm meeting
Subject: Password Selection
Description: It has become increasingly apparent that there is a password selection problem within our company. When choosing a login password for your computers, please select one that other people will not be able to think of. For example, "password" is not a good choice for a password. Furthermore, we request that people stop using the password "fuckthisjob" as it has become the most common password.

4:15pm - 5:00pm meeting
Subject: Travel Expenses
Description: When traveling on a company business trip, it is vital to record all of your travel expenses. However, please understand that expenses such as "strip club visit", "bar visit", "mud wrestling event visit", and "additional strip club visit" will not be covered by the company.

Thursday 3/10

8:30am - 9:15am meeting
Subject: Stock Options
Description: Yes our company stock has fallen from $30 to $2 in less than 3 months, but that's no reason for you to worry. We are simply in a transitional period at the moment.

9:45am - 10:30am meeting
Subject: Inclement Weather
Description: While we understand your concerns about safely driving on the roads during a blizzard, please understand that all of the executives had no problem making it into the office in their Hummers, and nor should you.

11:00am - 12:30pm meeting
Subject: Shared Cubicles
Description: Since we are going to be renting out some of our corporate space to another company in the near future, we will have to condense our teams. With that in mind, we will now have a minimum of 2 people in each cubicle.

1:00pm - 2:15pm meeting
Subject: Office Birthday Parties
Description: Rather than celebrate all staff member birthdays individually each month, we will be dedicating one hour of each month to celebrate all these birthdays at once. Due to health reasons, we will no longer be providing ice cream cakes at the birthday gatherings. We will, however, be providing rice cakes.

2:45pm - 3:30pm meeting
Subject: Hawaiian Shirt Day
Description: We regret to inform you that our Friday "Hawaiian Shirt Day" has been cancelled due to an employee misunderstanding the rules and wearing nothing but a Hawaiian shirt last time.

4:00pm - 5:15pm meeting
Subject: Direct Deposit
Description: We are happy to announce that direct deposit is now available to all of our employees. This will allow you to receive your payments much faster, and it will also leave absolutely no paper trail should something go wrong.

Friday 3/11

8:30am - 9:00am meeting
Subject: Water Cooler Fees
Description: Due to increasing budget concerns, there will now be a 50cent charge anytime an employee wishes to get a drink from the water cooler. However, employees are encouraged to get a refreshing drink from the outdoor sprinkler system.

9:15am - 11:15am meeting
Subject: Team Presentation
Description: Enjoy yourself as you sit for 2 hours and learn all about yet another team that has absolutely nothing to do with the work you do here.

11:30am - 12:00pm meeting
Subject: Employee Discount
Description: Yes our store sale prices are almost always better than the prices you get with your employee discount, but you can't buy merchandise with our company logo on it in our stores. This is where your employee discount comes in. For example: with your employee discount, a t-shirt with our company logo will only cost you $29.99 (plus tax, shipping & handling, and discount processing fee).

12:45pm - 1:30pm meeting
Subject: Real Estate Assistance
Description: Need help finding a house to live in? Well chances are you're wasting your time... we know what your salary is and there's no way you can afford a house. Still, we can easily help you find an apartment to share with a minimum of 6 other roommates.

2:00pm - 2:45pm meeting
Subject: Air Conditioning Complaints
Description: A number of employees have complained how the air conditioning in the building is set too low. We encourage these employees to wear more layers of clothing instead of constantly printing out emails, just so they can rub the warm paper from the laser printer onto their bodies.

3:00pm - 3:30pm meeting
Subject: Community Microwaves
Description: This has been covered before, but apparently we need to re-address the issue concerning heating up metal utensils in our shared community microwaves.

3:45pm - 4:15pm meeting
Subject: Cubicle Plants
Description: We've noticed some employees have been putting far too many plants inside of their cubicles. A good rule of thumb: if we need a machete to make our way into your cubicle, you have too many plants.

4:30pm - 5:00pm meeting
Subject: Weekend Coverage
Description: Discussion about who will be coming into the office this weekend to help schedule all meetings for next week.

*If you are unable to attend any of the above meetings, please schedule a meeting with your supervisor to discuss the setting up of a re-briefing meeting at a later date.

**The only acceptable excuses for being absent in any of the aforementioned meetings are as follows:

• Death in the family (with note from mortician)
• Death in the self (with 2-weeks prior written notice)