Things that could easily improve Men's Magazines
by: Roger Barr

I know a lot of guys read men's magazines constantly, but I can't say I do. I've never subscribed to one and I rarely even pick 'em up to read. This suggests one of two things: a) someone gave me a penis by mistake or b) there's something inherently wrong with men's magazines. I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that the later of the two is true, and with that in mind, I present to you some suggestions on what I think could drastically improve the quality of men's magazines.


BEST. MULLET. EVER.

MacGyverisms.

It's high time we bring the wisdom of the only man who made the mullet look good. In each issue, there should be an excerpt from MacGyver explaining how us ordinary guys can cut through a 20" steel door simply by using some candle wax, shoelaces, and urine from a rabid hyena. Why? Because if there's one thing we learned from that show, it's that you're better off having that rabid hyena urine and not needing it, than needing that rabid hyena urine and not having it.


AWWW LOOK, HE WANTS TO PLAY! Shark Attack of the week.

This one should be pretty obvious. Sharks are cool. Sharks are mean. Sharks can and will eat anything that fits in their mouth. Fish, seals, people, pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith... it doesn't matter, they'll eat it. You can talk all you want about the latest heavyweight boxing matches that went a full 15 rounds, but when compared to a brutal shark attack, they're about as bloody as the Care Bears having a tickle session with Rainbow Brite. And if there weren't any shark attacks during that particular time period, feature dolphin attacks. Believe me, they're killing people when nobody else is around to witness the act. Dolphins just a little too nice and I don't trust 'em one bit.


I THINK I SEE FUNGUS IN THERE Beverages to Avoid.

I swear, every time I venture out to my local 7-11, it's as if I've visited an alien world because it seems like there's always 50 new drinks in there. Whatever happened to good old milk, orange juice, and coke? Do I really need all of these exotic drinks with bat guano in them? No. And how do I know this? Because 99% of the ones I've tried taste like some animal that got chopped up in my lawnmower and was left in the bag all year long until it was finally tossed into a juicer. I'm just waiting for them to announce "Zagnut - the drink!" Because when they do, I'm going into 7-11 with my guns-a-blazin' and I won't leave until I'm sure everyone and everything in my path has been completely obliterated. Mark my words...


HEY, ISN'T THAT WALKER TEXAS RANGER? Dear Chuck.

While I'm sure writing advice letters to some drunk who's "bro" got him a job writing for the men's magazine has some use which I have yet to discover, think about how inspired men would be if they knew Chuck "Missing in Action" Norris was going to personally respond to their letters in an advice column. I can picture it now...

"Dear Chuck, I feel like I'm really screwing up at my job lately. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like I'm stepping on somebody's toes and getting in the way of things. Please help! Sincerely, -John"

Dear John, hold your chin up son! Remember, I don't step on toes. I step on necks! -Chuck Norris


OH SO DIRTY... Interviews with the Homeless.

Seriously, do we really need to read interviews with the same stars we hear about every goddamned day? I'm sorry, but I'll bet my bottom dollar that an interview with "Dirtwoman, the homeless pride of Richmond, VA" will be 50 times more interesting than another interview with George Clooney. Unless of course, George Clooney himself becomes homeless. Then that might be more entertaining to hear what a veritable train wreck his life has become now that he has to give sponge baths to Dirtwoman if he wants to share a delicious can of beans and botulism later that evening.


NINJA! Projects for the completely unskilled.

Listen, not all of us guys are Bob Villa for chrissakes. I'm in my mid 20's and until just a few months ago, I thought I was supposed to pour anti-freeze into the same hole that I poured the motor oil. And they expect me to be able to build huge shelves with adjustable track lighting in my living room? I don't think so. So it's high time we simplify projects for men. I'm talking about the stuff that always came naturally to us when we were still in high school. Project one: how to make a paper ninja throwing star capable of of taking an eye out.


BUSCEMI - A GUY WE CAN ALL ASPIRE TO BE LIKE No more photos of Brad Pitt.

Look, I don't give a shit how hard you try, you're never going to look like Brad Pitt so how about showing less photos of the guy. Instead, show more photos of Steve Buscemi. Now there's a guy we can all aspire to be like with very little effort. Hell, if you're reading this piece chances are you look like him already. You think if you looked like Brad Pitt you'd be reading this? No, you'd be in Columbia busting a drug lord while simultaneously cheating on your wife with Angelina Jolie. Remember fellas: never set your goals too high, they'll only come crashing down on you.


WHIP IT! Fashion for the Average Joe.

Not all of us can afford $1000 suits, but I'd like to personally thank every men's magazine out there for continuing to cram them down our throats. If I wanted to look like James Bond, I'd hire a butler, kill him and steal his outfit. In this new "Fashion for the Average Joe" column, it would simply show the wonderful outfits that us guys can get for less than 5 bux on a trip to the local thrift shop. Those places are goldmines that aren't exploited nearly as much as they should be. So what if the jacket is shiny silver and wrinkled more than Pee Wee Herman's giant ball of tin foil... maybe I like it that way. DEVO style baby!


MY MY MY, WHAT A PRETTY LADY YOU ARE! No cologne ads.

I don't wear cologne. I never will. You can try to call it whatever fancy name you want, but it's perfume. You think Chuck Norris wears perfume? Tell you what, why don't you go send him a letter asking him if he does and see how quickly he shows up on your front doorstep to deliver you a face full of fists. If underarm deodorant doesn't do the trick for your personal destinkification and you still want to spray something on your body, learn a lesson from grandpa in "The Lost Boys" - put a few dabs of Windex on your face and you're good to go.


MUCH BETTER THAN COLOGNE Free samples.

While we're on the subject of cologne perfume, you know how a lot of magazines will be stuffed with samples that you can smell? Well why limit it to just scents? I propose that all men's magazines now start including food samples. What could be better than flipping through the pages of your favorite magazine only to find a big piece of beef jerky begging to you consume it? It'd be like finding your very own Cracker Jacks prize in the middle of a magazine. Say, that's not a bad idea either! Cracker Jack prizes must now be included in all men's magazines too. Make it happen people.


RAAAAAAAAR! Make 'em earn it.

This will be a new section dedicated to overpaid athletes. I think it's about time we start mixing sports with other activities. If Roger Clemen's wants to make 22 million a year, I want to see him truly EARN it. Anybody can chuck a baseball into a catcher's mitt with enough practice, but when you're asking for that much money, there should be a little more on the line than just a championship for your team. That's why instead of pitching a baseball game, he'll be thrown into a den of starving lions and will only have a bucket of baseballs too defend himself with. Sure, it's not "Running Man", but it'll have to do... for now.


SCOWL! Less Cars, More Czars.

This one pretty much speaks for itself. While seeing the latest cars that none of us can possibly afford without selling our first-born children to Rumplestilskin, following him home, kicking the crap out of him until he's lying unconscious in a pool of blood, and stealing all of his treasures; we can all still be czars. Sure, some people are czars of entire companies, while others are czars of a studio apartment in NYC, but the fact is... all of us can rule something. And what better way to learn to become an effective tyrant than to learn from the best czars out there? In each issue, a new czar will be featured... starting with Rip Torn in "The Beastmaster".


HULK SMAAAAAASH! Lou Ferrigno's Ultimate Workout Challenge

Alright, it's time to stop screwing around with all of those "15 ways to killer abs!" and "Lose those extra pounds fast!" methods that never work. From this point forth, your new personal trainer is Lou Ferrigno, the original Hulk. And Lou isn't gonna let you slack off with your workout routine either. You wouldn't want to make Hulk mad now, would you? The goal of your workout is to eventually be able to flex your massive muscles so that your clothes literally burst from your body, yet still somehow magically cover your groin area. Of course, this will naturally require you to expose yourself to gamma rays, but heyŚno pain, no gain.


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