by: Roger Barr
I know a lot of guys read men's magazines constantly, but I can't say I do. I've never
subscribed to one and I rarely even pick 'em up to read. This suggests one
of two things: a) someone gave me a penis by mistake or b) there's
something inherently wrong with men's magazines. I'm gonna go out on a
limb and assume that the later of the two is true, and with that in mind,
I present to you some suggestions on what I think could drastically
improve the quality of men's magazines.
It's high time we
bring the wisdom of the only man who made the mullet look good. In
each issue, there should be an excerpt from MacGyver explaining how
us ordinary guys can cut through a 20" steel door simply by using
some candle wax, shoelaces, and urine from a rabid hyena. Why?
Because if there's one thing we learned from that show, it's that
you're better off having that rabid hyena urine and not needing it,
than needing that rabid hyena urine and not having it.
Shark Attack of the
This one should be pretty obvious. Sharks are cool. Sharks are mean.
Sharks can and will eat anything that fits in their mouth. Fish,
seals, people, pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith... it doesn't matter, they'll eat
it. You can talk all you want about the latest heavyweight boxing
matches that went a full 15 rounds, but when compared to a brutal
shark attack, they're about as bloody as the Care Bears having a
tickle session with Rainbow Brite. And if there weren't any shark
attacks during that particular time period, feature dolphin attacks.
Believe me, they're killing people when nobody else is around to
witness the act. Dolphins just a little too nice and I don't
trust 'em one bit.
Beverages to Avoid.
I swear, every time I
venture out to my local 7-11, it's as if I've visited an alien world
because it seems like there's always 50 new drinks in there.
Whatever happened to good old milk, orange juice, and coke? Do I
really need all of these exotic drinks with bat guano in them? No. And how do I know this?
Because 99% of the ones I've tried taste like some animal that got
chopped up in my lawnmower and was left in the bag all year long
until it was finally tossed into a juicer.
I'm just waiting for them to announce "Zagnut - the drink!" Because
when they do, I'm going into 7-11 with my guns-a-blazin' and I won't
leave until I'm sure everyone and everything in my path has been
completely obliterated. Mark my words...
While I'm sure writing
advice letters to some drunk who's "bro" got him a job writing for
the men's magazine has some use which I have yet to discover, think
about how inspired men would be if they knew Chuck "Missing in
Action" Norris was going to personally respond to their letters
in an advice column. I
can picture it now...
"Dear Chuck, I
feel like I'm really screwing up at my job lately. No matter how
hard I try, I always feel like I'm stepping on somebody's toes and
getting in the way of things. Please help! Sincerely, -John"
Dear John, hold your chin up son! Remember, I don't step on toes. I
step on necks! -Chuck Norris
Interviews with the
Seriously, do we
really need to read interviews with the same stars we hear about
every goddamned day? I'm sorry, but I'll bet my bottom dollar that an interview
with "Dirtwoman, the homeless pride of Richmond, VA" will be 50
times more interesting than another interview with George Clooney.
Unless of course, George Clooney himself becomes homeless. Then that
might be more entertaining to hear what a veritable train wreck his
life has become now that he has to give sponge baths to Dirtwoman if
he wants to share a delicious can of beans and botulism later that
Projects for the
Listen, not all of us
guys are Bob Villa for chrissakes. I'm in my mid 20's and until just
a few months ago, I thought I was supposed to pour anti-freeze into
the same hole that I poured the motor oil. And they expect me to be able
to build huge shelves with adjustable track lighting in my living
room? I don't think
so. So it's high time we simplify projects for men. I'm talking about the
stuff that always came naturally to us when we were still in high school. Project
one: how to make a paper ninja throwing star capable of of taking an
No more photos of Brad
Look, I don't give a shit how hard you try, you're never going to
look like Brad Pitt so how about showing less photos of the guy.
Instead, show more photos of Steve Buscemi. Now there's a guy we can
all aspire to be like with very little effort. Hell, if you're
reading this piece chances are you look like him already. You think
if you looked like Brad Pitt you'd be reading this? No, you'd be in
Columbia busting a drug lord while simultaneously cheating on your
wife with Angelina Jolie. Remember fellas: never set your goals too
high, they'll only come crashing down on you.
Fashion for the
Not all of us can
afford $1000 suits, but I'd like to personally thank every men's
magazine out there for continuing to cram them down our throats. If
I wanted to look like James Bond, I'd hire a butler, kill him and
steal his outfit. In this new "Fashion for the Average Joe" column, it would
simply show the wonderful outfits that us guys can get for less than
5 bux on a trip to the local thrift shop. Those places are goldmines
that aren't exploited nearly as much as they should be. So what if the jacket is shiny silver and
wrinkled more than Pee Wee Herman's giant ball of tin foil... maybe I
like it that way. DEVO style baby!
No cologne ads.
I don't wear cologne.
I never will. You can try to call it whatever fancy name you want, but it's
You think Chuck Norris wears perfume? Tell you what, why don't you
go send him a letter asking him if he does and see how quickly he
shows up on your front doorstep to deliver you a face full of
fists. If underarm deodorant doesn't do the trick for your personal
destinkification and you still want to spray something on your body,
learn a lesson from grandpa in "The Lost Boys" - put a few dabs of
Windex on your face and you're good to go.
While we're on the
cologne perfume, you know how a lot of
magazines will be stuffed with samples that you can smell? Well why
limit it to just scents? I propose that all men's magazines now
start including food samples. What could be better than flipping
through the pages of your favorite magazine only to find a big piece
of beef jerky begging to you consume it? It'd be like finding your
very own Cracker Jacks prize in the middle of a magazine. Say,
that's not a bad idea either! Cracker Jack prizes must now be
included in all men's magazines too. Make it happen people.
Make 'em earn it.
This will be a new
section dedicated to overpaid athletes. I think it's about time we start
mixing sports with other activities. If Roger Clemen's wants to make
22 million a year, I want to see him truly EARN it. Anybody can chuck a
baseball into a catcher's mitt with enough practice, but when you're
asking for that much money, there should be a little more on the
line than just a championship for your team. That's why instead of
pitching a baseball game, he'll be thrown into a den of starving
lions and will only have a bucket of baseballs too defend himself
with. Sure, it's not "Running Man", but it'll have to do... for now.
Less Cars, More Czars.
This one pretty much
speaks for itself. While seeing the latest cars that none of us can
possibly afford without selling our first-born children to
Rumplestilskin, following him home, kicking the crap out of him
until he's lying unconscious in a pool of blood, and stealing all of
his treasures; we can all still be czars. Sure, some people are
czars of entire companies, while others are czars of a studio
apartment in NYC, but the fact is... all of us can rule something.
And what better way to learn to become an effective tyrant than to
learn from the best czars out there? In each issue, a new czar will
be featured... starting with Rip Torn in "The Beastmaster".
Ultimate Workout Challenge
Alright, it's time to
stop screwing around with all of those "15 ways to killer abs!" and
"Lose those extra pounds fast!" methods that never work. From this
point forth, your new personal trainer is Lou Ferrigno, the original
Hulk. And Lou isn't gonna let you slack off with your workout
routine either. You wouldn't want to make Hulk mad now, would you?
The goal of your workout is to eventually be able to flex your
massive muscles so that your clothes literally burst from your body,
yet still somehow magically cover your groin area. Of course, this
will naturally require you to expose yourself to gamma rays, but
heyŚno pain, no gain.