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by
Roger Barr
Okay,
folks—you're about to learn some incredible details about all of
the American Presidents. No, I'm not talking about that contrived
crap found in high school yearbooks or on the news. I'm talking
cold hard facts.
While I can't
reveal my source, let's just say he goes by the alias "Cletus
McMoonshine" and his facts about our Presidents are 100% legit.
With that in mind, I am extremely happy to provide you all with
this exclusive peak at what they (ie: "the Man") didn't want
you to know about all of your American Presidents...
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We've all
heard the famous story about George Washington chopping down
the cherry tree. What few people know is that he developed a taste
for it. By the time he took the office of the presidency, cherry
trees weren't giving him his fix anymore. Washington would fell six
2000-year-old redwoods in the morning just to get his hands to stop
shaking.
Washington's
addiction would spark a long-standing feud with Ents that would
haunt him until his death. For years following the incident, the
mythical tree creatures waged war on George Washington,
systematically murdering everyone he ever cared about. An uncle
here, a cousin there— every one of them the victim of a mysterious
wood-related death.
Washington
grew more and more paranoid that his death would come soon. Then one
night, while George was sitting by the fireplace, he reached over to
his log pile for more kindle, but what he grabbed was no mere log.
It was the arm of a mighty Ent.
Washington got
his ass handed to him. |
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John Adams
once wrote his wife a letter about the White House:
"Before
I end my letter, I pray Heaven to bestow the best of Blessings
on this House and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none
but honest and wise Men ever rule under this roof."
Here, for the
first time, the rest of that letter:
"By
the way, Marian—I entreat you to observe the Pectoral Muscles on
my new Bodyguard. I proclaim them to be Delicious! I caught him
exercising in the Woods the day before last—verily, his Muscles
glisten'd in the morning dew like a Wet Biscuit of some kind."
Charcoal drawing found among John Adams' possessions
following his death, titled
"Delicious Biscuits"
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"I
couldn't help but feel drawn to Him; when I approached, I became
so nervous that I felt Faint. But trouble not yourself, my
Darling! I am fine, for he caught me in those Big, Welcoming
Arms of his; and all of the Troubles in my World just melted
away in a Flash."
"We
made Sweet Forbidden Love until the Sun set. I awoke the next
Morning, my attire missing and an Inverted Crucifix branded onto
my Buttocks. And he... he was Gone."
"My
Love, I have never felt so Alive!"
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In the House of
Burgesses, Thomas Jefferson penned the infamous Declaration
of Independence. It was in the lesser well-known House of Pain,
however, that Jefferson penned the equally impressive Declaration of
Jumping Around:
I.
Pack it up, pack it in — Let me begin. I came to win. Battle me,
that's a sin.
II.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that I came to get
down. So get out your seats and jump around. Jump around — jump
up, jump up and get down.
III.
If you've got the feeling—verily, jump across the ceiling, and
recognize that all men are endowed by their Creator with certain
unalienable Rights, and that among these are Life, Liberty and
the pursuit of Happiness. Think otherwise? Yo, I'll bust you in
the eye, and then I'll take the punks home.
IV.
Get out your seats and jump around.
V.
Jump around.
VI.
Jump up, jump up and get down.
VII.
Feel it, funk it. Peace, TJ
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