The Lost Presidential Factoids

by Roger Barr

Okay, folks—you're about to learn some incredible details about all of the American Presidents. No, I'm not talking about that contrived crap found in high school yearbooks or on the news. I'm talking cold hard facts.

While I can't reveal my source, let's just say he goes by the alias "Cletus McMoonshine" and his facts about our Presidents are 100% legit. With that in mind, I am extremely happy to provide you all with this exclusive peak at what they (ie: "the Man") didn't want you to know about all of your American Presidents...

We've all heard the famous story about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. What few people know is that he developed a taste for it. By the time he took the office of the presidency, cherry trees weren't giving him his fix anymore. Washington would fell six 2000-year-old redwoods in the morning just to get his hands to stop shaking.

Washington's addiction would spark a long-standing feud with Ents that would haunt him until his death. For years following the incident, the mythical tree creatures waged war on George Washington, systematically murdering everyone he ever cared about. An uncle here, a cousin there— every one of them the victim of a mysterious wood-related death.

Washington grew more and more paranoid that his death would come soon. Then one night, while George was sitting by the fireplace, he reached over to his log pile for more kindle, but what he grabbed was no mere log. It was the arm of a mighty Ent.

Washington got his ass handed to him.

John Adams once wrote his wife a letter about the White House:

"Before I end my letter, I pray Heaven to bestow the best of Blessings on this House and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none but honest and wise Men ever rule under this roof."

Here, for the first time, the rest of that letter:

"By the way, Marian—I entreat you to observe the Pectoral Muscles on my new Bodyguard. I proclaim them to be Delicious! I caught him exercising in the Woods the day before last—verily, his Muscles glisten'd in the morning dew like a Wet Biscuit of some kind."

Charcoal drawing found among John Adams' possessions following his death, titled
"Delicious Biscuits"

"I couldn't help but feel drawn to Him; when I approached, I became so nervous that I felt Faint. But trouble not yourself, my Darling! I am fine, for he caught me in those Big, Welcoming Arms of his; and all of the Troubles in my World just melted away in a Flash."

"We made Sweet Forbidden Love until the Sun set. I awoke the next Morning, my attire missing and an Inverted Crucifix branded onto my Buttocks. And he... he was Gone."

"My Love, I have never felt so Alive!"

In the House of Burgesses, Thomas Jefferson penned the infamous Declaration of Independence. It was in the lesser well-known House of Pain, however, that Jefferson penned the equally impressive Declaration of Jumping Around:

I. Pack it up, pack it in — Let me begin. I came to win. Battle me, that's a sin.

II. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that I came to get down. So get out your seats and jump around. Jump around — jump up, jump up and get down.

III. If you've got the feeling—verily, jump across the ceiling, and recognize that all men are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, and that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Think otherwise? Yo, I'll bust you in the eye, and then I'll take the punks home.

IV. Get out your seats and jump around.

V. Jump around.

VI. Jump up, jump up and get down.

VII. Feel it, funk it. Peace, TJ