|
 |
Madison poses with several members of his family.
|
He's better
known as the father of the Constitution, but James Madison
was also a father of several lesser-known things. Remember MoonPies? Madison. WD-40? Madison. Post-It Notes? Madison. The
father of 67% of all non-white children born in Virginia from 1780
to 1795? Madison.
As if all
this wasn't enough, he was also a mother. At age 23, Madison gave
birth to not one but three healthy koala bears, breastfeeding them
until they were ready to be released into the wild. |
|
|
 |
James Monroe
held a longstanding grudge against James Madison for being the
first "James" to hold the title of President of the United States,
eventually snapping like a bundle of dry sticks and ordering
Madison killed. All three of Madison's koala bears were rounded
up, skinned and used as a lustrous fur bath mat for Monroe's guest
bathroom. |
|
|
 |
"Old Man
Eloquent" is what they used to call John Adams. They also
called him "Old Man Nancy Boy", "Old Man Sissy Pants" and his
personal favorite, "Old Man Greased-Up Midnight Streaker With A
Penchant For Shaved Slave Boys". |
|
|
 |
The Clint
Eastwood of presidents, Andrew Jackson didn't take sass
from anyone — and especially not some scoundrel who dared to make
a slur about his wife. Jackson challenged the miscreant to a duel
and killed him. Much to his surprise, he discovered a taste for
murder and declared "dueling" to be the official sport of the
United States of America. It remains a popular sport among the
youth of America to this day. Unfortunately, it's the kind of
sport where if you lose once... well, you're retired. |
|
|
 |
Martin Van Buren
was defeated by the Whigs in 1840. These ear whigs burrowed deep
within his cranium and quickly drove him mad, eventually forcing
him to take his own life by jumping from the roof of a building.
Witnesses reported that he screamed "KHAAAAAAN!" just
before he hit the pavement — a reference that would take many
years before it made sense, proving Van Buren to be ahead of his
time. |
|
|
 |
William Henry Harrison
was promoted as a badass log cabin-livin', cider-drinkin',
injun-killin' man. That was until a photograph of him wearing
nothing but a bustier while having a tea party with some ducklings
was leaked to the press. Still, it proved to be an effective tool
in the battles, since the "injuns" were too busy laughing at the
thought of him in a bustier to fight back.
 |
|
|
 |
John Tyler
had many, many slaves. The strange thing is, they were all white. |
|
|
 |
Ah yes,
James Polk. The big secret about Polk is that he was never
even president. It was just an elaborate prank that sort of got
out of hand. I mean really—would you vote for somebody named Polk? |
|
|
 |
Zachary Taylor
never wanted to be President of the United States. He was a simple
blacksmith who was more than happy to work in that field for his
entire life. You can imagine his surprise when he was elected into
office.
"What the
hell is wrong with you people!? I wasn't even running
for president!!! You think I want all that responsibility on my
shoulders? As a blacksmith, I was done working by 4 PM and I could
drink myself to sleep every night. I was living the good life! Now
you're telling me I have to lead this country for the next four
fucking years!? No! I don't want this life! Besides, do you know
how many crazies there are out there that would want to kill a man
in that position? Nobody wants to kill a blacksmith, for
chrissakes! I bet you I won't even get to finish serving my first
year because some crazy man will..."
Sadly,
Zachary wasn't able to finish his speech because a crazed madman
ran up and shot him in the back of the head. |
|
|
 |
From the waist
up, Millard Fillmore was all man. From the waist down, 100%
pure ocean-grown mermaid. He had a difficult time serving as
President from the large aquarium they kept him in. Rumors of that
his staff were plotting to kill him had spread far and wide—before
he could do anything about it, it was too late. When Fillmore
reached the age of 54, his aides let the PH balance in his tank
get far too high. He was served as a breaded fillet brunch the
next morning. |
|
|
 |
During the
administration of Franklin Pierce, shooting broke out and
"bleeding Kansas" became a prelude to the Civil War. Also,
vomiting broke out and "chundering California" became a prelude to
Civil Illness. And finally, scabies broke out and "itching
Illinois" became a prelude to Civil Skin Disease. |
|
|
 |
James Buchanan
wasn't your average President. Sure, he tried to improve life in
the United States of America by extinguishing bitter rivalries
among the North and South—but his real passion was custard. The
man could whip up a custard faster than you could whistle Dixie.
Within two years, his primary agenda had shifted from creating
peace and prosperity across the land to creating the ultimate
custard.
Unfortunately, during an attempt at making the world's largest
custard, he fell into the giant mixing vat and suffocated. (That
shit is like quicksand, you know.) Still, people say that "he
died a happy man, for in his final moments, his lungs filled with
that same creamy custard he lived for... that beats a serotonin
release any day." |
