Throughout 1855 Lincoln would visit the boy while he was asleep in his bed. Abe didn't even need a ladder to reach the boy's window because he was so damned tall. Abe would pry open the windows and dump a bowl of hot grits on the face of the boy, instantly waking him up as he screamed in terror and agony. Abe would run off into the moonlight cackling, "GRITS SURE ARE THE PITS, EH SONNY BOY? AHAHAHA!"

One night, when Abe came to visit the boy for more harassment, the boy was gone. Nobody knew what had happened to him, not even his parents. Still, they were sure that he had gone mad due to the fear of Abe's weekly visits. But that boy would resurface roughly ten years later.

That boy's name? John Wilkes Booth.

First, he tried the "kangaroo and buggy". Sure they had powerful legs—but jumping with a buggy attached to them? Bad idea. Shortly after the kangaroos jumped in the air, the buggy landed hard on the ground and shattered into pieces. Johnson opted to use an animal with powerful legs, but one that wouldn't jump around so much. He figured the Cheetah would be the perfect animal.

Unfortunately, Johnson never would learn just how fast the "Cheetah and Buggy" would really go—soon after he whipped one of the cheetahs to get it moving, it turned on him, tore him apart, and had itself a presidential dinner.

Nobody knew what in the hell he was talking about or what post cards had to do with the railroad strikers, but the very next day, the army and navy showed up in Chicago with a single postcard in hand. The postcard was then loaded into a cannon and fired at the railroad strikers.

Since the card was instantly obliterated, nobody knew what was written on it. Cleveland simply chuckled, "Suck on that, Chicago!" He then loaded himself in the cannon, thinking he could fire himself back to the White House. His flaming corpse made it a spectacular twenty-six feet, giving rise to similar human cannonball acts from that day forward.

Never satisfied with his way of connecting with the people, he started insisting that they have him over for supper. Soon after, he instituted "sleepover" campaigns. Some months later, the world's first "I'll move in with you, but can you cover my rent this month? I'm betting on a horse next week, and there's no way I can lose! I swear I'll have the rent for you soon, okay?" campaign was met with mixed results. No president (or human) in history has received so many restraining orders.

The problem was, he spoke so softly that nobody could hear a damned word he said. When they became agitated and raised their voice to him, that's when he'd break out the stick. Due to all of the "stick time" that he dished out, he went through more cabinet members than any other president in history.

Once the war had ended, however, Wilson found himself in need of more conflict. With Congress turning down his suggestion to declare war on Iceland, Wilson went into seclusion for the remainder of his presidency. When he was finally out of office, he headed straight for Mexico. A few years later, he returned to America and started up a massive underground cock-fighting organization. When asked about why he got into cock-fighting, Wilson said, "This is as close to war as I'm gonna get!"

From that point onward, his cabinet did not allow him to speak, and instead had him answer questions with a simple "yes" or "no" by stomping his feet once or twice.