• While the sales of Pinot have gone through the roof now that every
yuppie on earth is buying it up to prove how fantastic their taste
in wine is, the sales of Merlot have plummeted. So I suggest that
when Paul Giamatti screams, "No, if anyone orders Merlot,
I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!", the "Merlot Mafia"
comes crashing through the restaurant window in a Hummer and quickly
kills everyone in sight with spray of gunfire that doesn't subside
for a good 5 minutes. And Paul's last words before he dies? "Fucking
• Instead of having Thomas Hayden Church's character have second
thoughts about his upcoming wedding because he wants to sleep around
with more women, have him and Paul Giamatti both realize they're
gay. Because nothing spells "hilarity" like a couple of drunk
buddies who, while on a road trip, slowly come out of the closet.
Comedy gold I tell ya, comedy gold...
• Cameo by Steven Seagal who proudly displays his hatred for wine by
getting in a fight with a bushel of grapes. But here's the kicker...
the grapes win the fight.
• To further insult Merlot wines, Paul Giamatti empties the contents
of a bottle of Merlot onto the ground and then fills the bottle with
his own urine. He then pours himself a glass, chugs it down and
proclaims, "You see? Now even THIS is better than fucking Merlot!"
• Instead of Sandra Oh beating up Thomas Hayden Church when she
learns that he's engaged, have her decide to confide in her friend
Virginia Madsen. A look of absolute fury then comes over Virginia's
face as she slowly walks over to a nearby mirror and speaks the
words, "Candyman. Candyman. Candyman." Moments later, we cut to a
scene of Candyman ripping out Thomas Hayden Church's spine with his
big rusty hook.
• At one of the vineyards, the owner leans over to Paul Giamatti all
non-chalantly and whispers into his ear, "Don't like the Merlot
eh? I've got something that I guarantee you won't get at any other
wine-tasting session. You in?" Paul hesitantly agrees and the
owner tells Paul to meet him out back. Minutes later the owner
emerges from the rear entrance with a bottle covered by a cloth with
rhinestones on it. "Are you ready to move up to the next level of
tasting the finer things in life?" the owner asks and then he
removes the cloth to reveal a glistening icy cold bottle of Colt 45.
After one sip, Paul
screams, "YES! THIS IS IT! WHY THE HELL HAVE I BEEN WASTING MY
LIFE ON WINE-TASTING ALL THESE YEARS!? BILLY DEE HAD IT FIGURED OUT
ALL ALONG! I WAS A FOOL NOT TO LISTEN TO HIS SAGELY ADVICE! FUCKING
• Rotate the picture on the screen 90 degrees, so people actually
have to watch it "Sideways". Critics will claim it is
bar-none the most
brilliant film in the history of mankind, and chiropractors around
the world will see a dramatic increase in clientele. Everybody wins.
• To come off as even more snooty when tasting wine, Paul Giamatti
starts saying things that make no sense whatsoever to describe the
flavor. For example, "It's as if Zeus came down from Shangri-la and
thrust his groinage into my face while singing 'Home on the Range'
for hours on end. This wine is absolutely splendid!"
• After saying "Fucking Merlot!" one time too many, God commands
Paul Giomatti to put up or shut up. Paul then drops his trousers and
has his way with the Merlot. "Fucking Merlot!"
• The two friends decide to cut the wine-tasting trip short when the
stumble onto a miniature golf course that transports them into
another dimension when they happen to sink a hole-in-one. In an
ironic twist, the dimension they end up stuck in is a place where
the people there do nothing but watch the movie "Sideways" 24 hours
a day. A fitting torturous end for our leading men.
• As they walk through a vineyard, Paul and Thomas discover a
manhole cover. Confused as to what a manhole cover is doing in the
middle of a vineyard, they both decide to lift it up to get a closer
look. Just then a C.H.U.D. monster pops out, eats their faces, then
turns to the screen and proclaims with a big thumbs up, "Fucking
And there you have it. Make these simple additions to the film and
you've got yourself a guaranteed winner. And before I leave you
alcoholics, I'd like to make a toast:
Here's to you, Sunmaid. You can ferment my grapes any
time you want, baby.