"Next Time Think Of Me"... Die Cow Die!

I've never been one to even consider becoming a vegetarian or vegan or whatever the hell they are called now-a-days. I have always enjoyed my hamburgers and tacos and other forms of meat. No, I don't care about all the so-called facts that I have been given on how bad eating meat can be. Just in case any of you think I'm too hateful towards veggie people, let me clarify that I have friends who are vegetarian and/or vegan and we get along just great. In the past couple of years though, I have noticed an increasing amount of "pain in the ass losers" whining more and more about meat. I was handed a pamphlet which on the cover read, "Vegetarianism: For Your Health. For the Environment. For the Animals."

First of all, I DON'T CARE. Call me an asshole or whatever other derogatory terms you find appropriate, but I don't care. There's so much pollution in this world, there's people smoking all around me, there's people doing all sorts of drugs and drinking their lives away. If I want to carve off a piece of cow and slurp it down, so be it. "Your killing harmless animals!" Well guess what?!?!? YOU ARE KILLING HARMLESS PLANTS! You need a reason for my eating the cows? Fine, I'll be more than happy to give you one. Plants provide us with one of the key elements we need to survive on: Oxygen. Cows, bastards that they are, eat quite a bunch of these plants, hence giving us less oxygen. Vegetarians eat even more of these plants, again, giving us less oxygen. So I say, not only should we eat the cows, but we should also eat some of these vegetarian extremists who scowl at us when they see us drink a glass of milk. If we do this, we will have much more oxygen and less whiny activists.
NOW THAT'S HELPING THE ENVIRONMENT!

I also don't care what some people claim meat does to my heart and body. Like I said before, all the pollution and second-hand smoke I get everyday is going to kill me (if not some idiot drunk driver). Why do you think I can't see myself raising a kid? Because, at some point I'd probably have to tell him, "Look kid, you are going to die. It probably wont even be your fault. You will die young. The world is getting worse and worse, so go grab yourself a cow and have fun while you can. MOO!" Besides, there's plenty of healthy people who eat meat all the time. Just look at some of the finest athletes in the world. Many of them have some form of meat with EVERY SINGLE MEAL they eat each day! Just think about having meat for breakfast! Instead of Wheaties, they'd need a cereal called "Meaties"! YEAH! Remember, Meat doesn't have the word "EAT" in it just by coincidence.

I hate all these people that bug me about eating meat. Why can't people just eat what they want and not care about what others eat? That's why I love my friends that are vegetarians, they don't bug me and tell me "don't eat meat!" they just eat what they want and let me eat what I want. But noooooo! Quite often I find myself in huge arguments with people who are vegetarian or whatever and they get all worked up. The world would be such a better place if people these people would just mind their own business and not care what other people are eating. Also, what's the deal with these people actually getting in fights with other people because they eat meat?!? I mean come on, that's like me walking up to a complete stranger and saying, "Hey are those bugle boy jeans you are wearing?" (looks at me as if he is confused) "Why yes, yes they are." (angry) "WELL I HATE THEM! BUY FUCKING LEVI'S YOU LOSER!" then proceed to beat the hell out of him. Then again, I'm sure Levi jeans contribute to the slaughter of animals in some way or another right? Whatever...

I mean come on, people are going to pretty much do what they want, it's pathetic to fight about crap like that. Here's another "fact" that came from the pamphlet I got, "75% of all federal poultry inspectors said they would not eat chicken." Well gee, there's a big surprise. Think about it, if you spent your whole life looking at dead poultry you wouldn't be to thrilled when you hear the wife go, "Oh honey! Guess what! We're having chicken for dinner again!" If you work at a fast food place, chances are you'd get sick of eating there too very fast. Here's a fact for ya: 75% of the people would also probably agree that they don't want to drink flower paste and rice cakes for the rest of their lives.

I know I'm not going to live forever, and life totally sucks in more ways than any of us can count. I'll be damned if I'm not going to do whatever it takes to make me happy. While I'm on the topic of "the environment" as well, I have a question for you activists out there. What the hell ever happened to "Earth Day?" I remember a few years ago where people would be all pumped up. "Ok it's earth day! Kids, grab some hefty bags because we're going out until we can't see anymore and we're are going to pick up every last soda can, gum-wrapper, paper clip, and atom that might be harmful to our environment!" Now earth day, if people even remember when the hell it is, is treated more along the lines of "Hey Jed! That can you just threw out could have been recycled." (laughs) "Oh really, well damn, maybe next year...hey lets go buy some cans of that aerosol spray. I love the smell of that stuff mixed with the fresh air outside!" It's like the whole holiday (if you even considered it that) just vanished. I have pictures in my mind of the environment-conscious people from a few years ago sitting on their recycled-fabric couches thinking, "Damn, we really did waste our time. This world is going to fucking hell anyways isn't it?"

If you were wondering why this article was called "Next Time Think of Me," it is because I saw a shirt that had a picture of a cow on it which on the front read, "Next Time Think of Me" and on the back it read, "Go Vegetarian." Well guess what, I thought it was pathetic of course, but I also decided to make my own shirt. My shirt is going to have a picture of a plant on it and it will read, "Next Time Think of Me," and on the back it will read, "Go Meatatarian." Actually, I just recently made a shirt that says "Save the Plants, Kill the Cows!" with "DiE-CoW-DiE" on the sleeves. I've written many things similar to this and my vegetarian friends laughed their asses off. See, that's cool when people can find humor in something that they don't particularly agree with. I wish everybody was able to laugh at themselves.

Most of the time, however, I have to put up with losers getting all worked up about me being the sarcastic asshole that I am (I even get some death threats from time to time). I even had some people go to such immense "Loser Extremes" of spray painting "Go Vegan" on the road in front of my house at 4am. Now that's a way to drive something into a persons head! Spray paint something on the road in front of their house! Man, I tell you, as soon as I read that, I threw my burger on the ground and started munching on my front lawn. I suppose this requires me to go spray "Thanks" on the road in front of the house of whoever did it, right?

Man, I can't wait for the great Thanksgiving feast to roll around. I must admit, it must be strange to be a vegetarian on that holiday. I mean, yer sitting there at the table, "Uhm, could you pass me the salad?" while you watch everyone else drowning their stuffed turkeys in a pool of gravy. I'd really like to know what goes through their heads at times like these. Still, this whole "bashing people for what they eat" is stupid anyway. EAT WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT, JUST DON'T TELL OTHERS WHAT THEY CAN OR CAN'T EAT. Actually, I would recommend telling certain people to eat some foods tainted with poison, but most people don't approve of my suggesting such things so I remain silent.

Finally, for those of you wondering what this thing I call Meatatarianism really is, I will define it for you right here:

Meatatarianism is a diet which avoids the consumption/harm of plants. A true Meatatarian is sickened by the thought of the "evil veggie people" munching on the dead plant carcasses. Just as vegetarianism is often confused with being a herbivore, people have told me that they thought meatatarianism was the same as being a carnivore. Well, we Meatatarians generally do eat the same stuff as carnivores do. But how many carnivores do you know of that go around protecting the rights of plants? I don't know any. If you have any other questions about the benefits of a Meatatarian diet, read the other articles found within these pages or feel free to email me.