"The Unofficial New
Requirements for being
Straight Edge™ and/or Vegan/Vegetarian"
Straight Edge
seems to have so many fucking rules that confuse the hell out of me, so I figured I would
make my own rules for it. I have never had a drink in my life. I have never done drugs. I
have never smoked. However, I love eating all the meat I can get. I don't consider sexual
intercourse "evil" or anything like that. I don't go around telling everyone
about how I don't do this stuff which is what most Straight Edge people I have met do. I
don't give a shit what other people do with their lives unless they are my friends and
they are on some SERIOUS shit like cocaine or something. Otherwise, I feel it's their
decision and I stay out of it. Sure, I make jokes about people drinking, using drugs and
other stuff all the time. But I'll be damned if I'm going to beat the next person I see
taking a smoke, eating a burger, or having some wine on new years eve. I have plenty of
friends who are Straight Edge and/or Vegetarians/Vegans, but they don't participate in
some of the extremities that I have seen or heard about others doing. Besides the morons
just becoming sXe and/or Vegan so that they can get into fights more often, I find it to
be a stupid idea in general now. Originally, it made sense, but now people are just
becoming complete morons and are taking any values/respect that being sXe and/or Vegan
once had. I don't care about what people think about how I choose to live, I don't care
about how other people choose to live. So everyone should mind their own fucking business.
With this in mind, here is my little "sarcastic mockery" about the Straight Edge
and/or Vegan way of life and the stupidity that it has come to. So here goes:
You are not allowed
to posses any form of metal or wood. Metal wires and wooden fences often enclose animals
on a farm which eventually slaughters them. Hence, owning metal or wood is actually
supporting the genocide of our friend the cow.
Not only must you
follow all rules of being Straight Edge™ or Vegan™, but you must let everyone
know it. You must clone yourself to your other fellows sXe'ers and Vegans. You must travel
in groups of 20 and beat the hell out of someone else who doesn't live by these rules to
prove your point since you feel too insecure to carry out such acts alone.
You must take the
pain of chapped lips from now on. Chap Stick contains 0.5% alcohol, and I'm sure if I
researched it a little bit more I could trace it back to a farm.
You can only go out
at night from now on. The sun can burn your skin. The burning of skin is symbolic of
burning animal flesh and it will not be tolerated.
You are not allowed
to take ANY medicine of ANY sort anymore. A true straight edge person would rather die of
a horrible disease then let some foreign chemicals enter his or her body. While you are in
church praying that you live through your illness, kill the preacher for giving wine out
to the masses.
Not only can you not
have sexual intercourse, but you are now required to stop watching pornographic movies and
masturbating: both of which you have obviously used as a replacement for sexual
intercourse.
You are not allowed
to use computers anymore to send email to everyone in the world about straight edge and/or
vegan rallies, events, shows, etc. Computers are created by the modern man, the same type
of man who has invented machinery to torture animals. The same type of man who has
invented machinery that produces cancer infested tobacco products. Repent!
If you listen to a
band, EVEN ONCE, whose members smoke, do drugs, and or engage in sexual activities, you
must kill yourself at once. You are no longer pure once you have heard the music of scum.
HEAR NO EVIL.
Walk your new pet cow
through the yard and talk with him about how great it is to be alive, not caring about the
harmful gases he is releasing into the air. Also be sure to overlook the plants which give
us air that the cow is eating.
Chant this hymn every
night before you go to sleep on your bed made of flower paste (which has in no way ever
harmed you by allowing chemicals to enter your body, nor has it harmed any animals):
Oh glory
The Straight Edge and The Vegan Way is here
Oh glory
Kill the man who kills the steer
Oh glory
How those Rice Cakes taste grand Oh glory
It's our rights to live naturally for which we stand
Oh glory
Beat, don't pity the naive
Oh glory
Purification is what we have achieved
Amen.
Afterwards, turn on
your night light made out of a family of fire flies which you feed and give a much better
life to. Finally, drink a warm glass of soy milk and look forward to another pure day in
the life of a sXe Vegan.
(Author's Note: If you actually are Vegan, you probably wouldn't be on this site since it
is virtually impossible to be ALIVE as well as VEGAN at the same time. So get back in your
grave NOW soy boy!)
Looking for more
sXe/vegan mockery? Look no further!
You can see more sXe/vegan mockery HERE
at Winky's pages! |
