Setting: The final school bell rings thus ending another day at T. Stark Academy, but the liberties of freedom don't affect the students in after-school detention.
Professor: You three slackers talked all the way through my history lesson; Tripe Music of the 20th Century and...
Usagi Yojimbo: ...the Impact it Has on Our Bowels!
The Tick: Bowels?
Spider-Man: Yeah. You know. Bowels. A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes how?
Professor: Shut your trap slappy. Have you all been paying attention to the news over the past few months, or have your brains turned to goo from those damn video games? I bet none of you can even tell me when the space shuttle exploded!
Spider-Man: Yeah. I saw a made-for-TV movie all about it. A bunch of robots from a distant galaxy interrupted a radio signal intended for earth. That particular signal was a transmission from NASA informing the shuttle of their coordinates. When the shuttle never received the information, they panicked and hit that giant red button that says "DO NOT PRESS" like you see in the cartoons. Kaboom! Because there's no gravity in space, body parts are still traveling and are probably thousands of lightyears away. The family members got all pissed at NASA 'cause they wanted a proper burial.
Ray the Custodian: NOT WHILE HIS SPLEEN IS ORBITING THE STAR GEMINI IN THE RUEBOR NEBULA!
Spider-Man: It starred Ben Affleck as the Shuttle Commander and Vin Diesel as the cocky, but tough Mechanic.
Ray the Custodian: Did you see Ben Affleck in Daredevil? HOLY SHIT! If the real Daredevil could see Affleck's portrayal he'd poke his own eyes out.
Professor: Ray, I'm glad to see you feel welcome at my detention sessions; wasting time in here when there are plenty of drains to be de-pubed. Now, can anyone tell me what you were doing when the airplanes flew in to the World Trade Center?
Ray the Custodian: Cleaning up vomit?
Spider-Man: I was busy licking ice cream off my shirt.
Professor: Come on you bunch of pansy-assed rejects! These are important issues and are essential elements to your maturity as action figures!
Usagi Yojimbo: I remember things like that. For example, I remember the very spot I was masturbating at when Mattel decided to re-release He-Man.
Ray the Custodian: BIG MISTAKE!
Professor: ENOUGH! I'm trying to teach you smarmy fucks the things you missed in class today. If you hadn't been so busy eating paste in the back of the class we wouldn't have to be here right now! ENOUGH! Now cease the inanity and listen! I WAS A TANK COMMANDER IN 'NAM FOR CRISSAKES!
The Tick: I have something to contribute, Professor. I was actually listening to part of today's music history lesson and it reminded me of a CD I once bought.
Professor: Go ahead. This better be good.
The Tick: I don't remember the exact month, but it was sometime in 1995 when Select Records, a notable recording industry powerhouse that released such collosal greats as Kid’N Play and Chubb Rock, released the “HULK HOGAN and The Wrestling Boot Band” CD.
The Tick: Just like a 747 crashing in to a skyscraper, maiming thousands of innocents and sullying the nation’s idea of security, Hulk Hogan jumped out of the ring and in to the recording studio.
Professor: Yes! Hulk assembled a 10-track CD which should go down in the annals of music history as Audible Terrorism. Yes! I'm glad to see one of you was paying attention!
The Tick: Yeah, but what the hell was Hulk Hogan thinking? Who was the idiot
that told him it was a great idea? What did the recording industry think? When was this ever a good idea?
Spider-Man: Why can't I find that T-shirt with the ice cream on it?
Professor: Only God knows my son. It's an unforgiveable crime. It's hard to believe that it actually happened. For once, the RIAA has my sympathy.
Ray the Custodian: No fuckin' way! Did you really listen to a shitty music cd released by the man who was responsible for me wanting to become a WWF superstar?
Usagi Yojimbo: The man who bodyslammed Andre the Giant?
Professor: The man who cleverly hid his mullet beneath a colorful bandana?
Spider-Man: HE DIDN'T BODYSLAM ANDRE THE GIANT!
Usagi Yojimbo: Yes he did. And it went like this!
Professor: Break it up you two. And yes, Ray, Hulk actually did release an album. He actually took a stab at rapping on the album, too.
Ray the Custodian: Do you say "stab" because it reminds you of searing pain and could possibly cause one to need stitches?
Professor: Yes. Listening to that CD is like watching a dog take a shit. It's an atrocity, but you can't take your goddamn eyes off it. It's purely amazing.
Tick: Yeah, it wasn't pretty. If 3 Doors Down were to produce an album with Mel Tourmet using only a Fisher-Price xylaphone, it would sound monumentally better
than Hulk’s ear-bleeding inducer. And for the record, I do not condone listening to
3 Doors Down.
Spider-Man: What's wrong with 3 Doors Down? I love those guys! "If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?"
Spider-Man: "If I'm alive and well, will you be dere be booo bah bah! Bee blah bee!"
Professor: Let that be a lesson to you Spidey. Lacking good taste in music can result in a swift ass-kicking from your peers. I think we've all had enough for the day. You guys need to pay more attention in class. I don't want to have to do this again.
- fin -
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