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I-Mockery Takes A Trip To Amish Country!
by: Protoclown

A week ago I went to Ohio to visit some friends, and for some reason we decided to go check out "Amish Country", a magical land of the past where people drive horses instead of cars and don't wear "the bad color" (red) because it attracts the monsters that live outside the village. I think M. Night Shamalaniatwain directed a movie about it. Realizing it could make for a good I-Mockery piece, I took a camera along and snapped many a picture while I was there. I'd like to thank my friends Mary and Bob for providing additional photos, and Rachael for letting me borrow her camera, since, much like the Amish, I fear and shun technology and do not own one myself.

The first place we visited was a little town called Sugarcreek, which was billing itself as "the Switzerland of Ohio", meaning, I suppose, that whenever war breaks out in Ohio, these guys just aren't going to pick a side. And what's with that guy playing a didgeridoo or whatever? I thought that was an Australian instrument.

Speaking of ignorant culture mash-ups, it is kind of weird how all of these little hamlets, thorps, and villages we went to were trying to pass themselves off as quaint European locations. One of the first things we saw as we got out of the car was this guy Donald L. Putt's memorial.

Now I don't know what General Putt (doesn't he sound like a mini-golf mascot?) did; he was probably some kind of honored war hero for all I know. But damned if he didn't look like a spitting image of Adolf Hitler on his memorial there. Now, wouldn't that have been more at home in the Austria or Germany of Ohio? These guys really need to get their shit organized.

One of the first things I noticed as we wandered about "Amish Country" was that there were, in fact, very few Amish to be seen within it. Now, this was hardly the first time I've been around Amish parts, as I have relatives in Indiana and as a child I would often get dragged along to boring little Amish towns so my mom and her sisters could look at little crafty knick-knacks while I desperately tried not to claw my own face off just so I could bleed out and have something to do.

But for some reason this time I was really struck by how few actual Amish people we saw, seeing mostly touristy types instead. As if the Amish are some kind of legend, like Bigfoot, and if you're lucky enough, you just might see one. And if he sees his shadow, it's going to be a short winter!

That said, I did manage to snap a few pictures of Amish people dressed up as you might expect. But the thing is, I had to be stealthy about it, because apparently most Amish don't like having their picture taken. A lot of them feel like the camera steals their soul (hell, that's a little extreme—I just think it makes me look fat). So my solution was to be super-rude and simply take their pictures without asking. So here, I've got a couple of souls in this one. For my collection.

And then there was this guy, I think he was dead or something. He had quite a magnificent stick, but I couldn't pry it free from his iron grip. They say that whosoever can pry the stick free shall be King, or at the very least some kind of Village Elder or they shall possess a pretty cool walking stick at the bare minimum.

This one shop had all kinds of crazy shit out in the street (as opposed to most of the shops who kept their crazy shit contained inside). There was this bizarre screaming sun that I tried to emulate the expression of. This picture actually reminds me of that scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure where he turns on his flashlight out in the woods and suddenly realizes he's surrounded by wild animals.

Here's a better picture of the screaming sun. Fucked up looking suns was a recurring motif, and I have no idea what the hell that was about.

Here's another one with the top of his head caved in. The Amish sure do have a lot of strange issues revolving around the sun. Makes you wonder if they aren't vampires or something, and maybe that's why I only saw a few roaming the streets—those were the daywalkers, a rarer breed of bloodsucking fiend.

The wolves in Amishvilletownburg were very friendly indeed. Very friendly.

This one shop had bizarre animal masks for sale that played tunes when you pressed a button on the nose. Just like real animals!

My friend Fric was willing to let them press his nose button, but not me, no sir. I only let my nose play its own music.

The Amish may shun most technology, but that doesn't mean they don't come up with plenty of their own handy devices. Take this banana peeler my friend Micah discovered, for example. It's about time somebody made a tool to get those hard-to-open bananas to relinquish their sweet fruit!

The Amish also don't have a problem with Barbie, so long as she is dressed appropriately. I don't know though, I can still see quite a bit of leg there (above the knees, even), so that seems awfully racy to me.

THE DOLLS HAVE NO FACES! IT'S LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A HORROR MOVIE!!

How many people bought this and put it up in their living room because they thought it was "cute", I wonder?

It's remarkable, but simply by putting "DON'T LITTER" on the side of their trash cans in bold black letters, they've completely eliminated their problem with people littering on the street (unless the shops count). The power of suggestion!

Just in case you're some fool who can't read, the Amish have got you covered. They got your back, yo, that's how they roll.

My friend Peter was the only guy in our group brave enough to enter the "Christmas Room", but not quite daring enough to sit on Santa's lap.

Thought the Amish would be more interested in the second coming of Jesus? Guess again! Elvis is coming, and he's bringing an 8-track player with him! Holy shit! PREPARE THYSELF, SINNER!

This doll room was the scariest place I've ever been. I won't go back in there. I don't care if Angelina Jolie is in there dropping $100 bills from her cooch, I'm not setting foot back in that room. There's a large doll in there with smaller dolls living in her petticoats! In her petticoats!!

I was kind of surprised by the amount of Halloween-themed stuff I saw in these shops. I kind of always figured the Amish frowned on "the devil's holiday", but it occurs to me: they could have the best Halloween celebrations of anyone anywhere and who would know?

THE DUCK ALSO HAS NO FACE! AND IT'S MADE OF GRASS! AAAAAAAAH!!!

If you think I set foot in this store, you're insane. It's just not worth it. Not even for humor.

If I wanted a hat that was going to squish and constrict my brain into putty, I can think of no better hat to have.

THE AMISH ACTION ISN'T OVER YET!
CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE TO PAGE 2!


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