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Ten Things I Like And Hate About Star Wars Episode II - Attack Of The Clones
by: Protoclown

I must hate myself. That's the only explanation for this, because it's time for another installment of PAIN! Just in case you were operating under the incorrect assumption that Attack of the Clones (or Send in the Clones as a friend of mine more aptly calls it) is in any way a better film than the first prequel, let me assure you that you are terribly mistaken. There is less Jar Jar Binks, true, but there is more than enough other stupidity to make up for it. In fact, in some strange way, this one is almost worse. After the first prequel, Lucas could have listened to the backlash and changed course to steer the second movie straight and true; instead he chose to boldly go careening off the rails about as fast as humanly possible.

Again, like last time, I've broken the list apart into five things I like and five things I hate about the movie. I hope you appreciate what a challenge this is on both levels. Finding five good things is damn near impossible, and narrowing the bad list down to a mere five is like choosing which of my children get to come on the escape pod and which ones have to die.

Five Things I Like About Attack of the Clones:

If you previously thought there actually were five good things about this movie, I cordially invite you to watch it again, because I had to stretch my brain to its limits in order to come up with these five (and one of them was almost the two seconds of "droid football" you see on one of the monitors in the background at the nightclub on Coruscant. The nightclub with no music. Has George Lucas ever been in a nightclub?). Anyway, here they are, in no particular order:

1. Padme Gets Freaked Out

Anakin has already creeped out Padme and made her uncomfortable with his lusty stares a couple times at this point in the movie, but when they share dinner together on a passenger liner to Naboo and he tells her that she's just as beautiful as he remembered from his dreams, she looks up and has this genuinely disturbed "um, what the fuck?" look on her face as she realizes that she's likely been the sole subject of this Tatooine boy's dirty, dirty doin'-the-nasty dreams for the past decade or so. It's also easy to imagine that Natalie Portman is honestly reacting to hearing the script being spoken aloud.

2. "The name of the killer is..."

Okay, so most people wouldn't exactly consider this a good thing about the movie, but it amuses me so much that I'm putting it on my likes list. Obi-Wan and Anakin have just captured the assassin who tried to kill Padme (and what a hard working assassin, by the way--she stuck a glass tube into a droid and sent it to do the job, which the bad guys could have gotten any street bum to do for the price of a drink or maybe a single cigarettesorry, "deathstick"), and she is just about to reveal the name of the man who hired her when suddenly--a poison dart out of nowhere totally stabs her in the neck and kills her! This old cliché never ever fails to crack me up whenever I see it in a movie. It's just so ridiculously cheesy you have to love it. If only the rest of the movie had such endearingly cheesy moments.

3. Slave I in Action

After seeing this super cool looking ship do nothing but float around in some garbage and lift off of a landing pad in The Empire Strikes Back, it was pretty cool to finally see the ship actually doing something a little more exciting than pulling out of a parking space. And as expected, Fett has all kinds of devious weapons and gadgets loaded on board the thing. I just hope that after young Boba (ever notice how stupid that name sounds when not paired up with the last name?) grows up and inherits the ship for himself, he doesn't scream "Fiyah!" every time he shoots the blasters at someone. Because that would really be kind of awkward.

4. Anakin Gets Dissed

When Anakin and Padme arrive on Naboo, they talk to the current elected (what the fuck?) queen about the political situation, and the same old advisor fart Sio Bibble (see my Phantom Menace list) asks Anakin, the "master Jedi" for his opinion on the whole matter. Without even a glance in his direction, Padme waves her hand and dismisses him, saying "Oh, Anakin's not a Jedi, he's just a Padawan learner" and keeps going on like he's not even there. It's a great moment because it mirrors a lot of what the audience is feeling at that point, wishing that someone would tell Anakin to sit down and shut the fuck up.

5. "This party's over!"

This is the single best (and most quotable) moment of the whole movie right here. Mace Windu sneaks up on Count Dookie while he's watching his prisoners about to be executed, and ignites his lightsaber right at Jango Fett's neck. Then, with a no nonsense glare he just looks at Dookie and calmly says "this party's over" right before the rest of the Jedi attack. Why is this so awesome? Because it's not even Mace Windu saying it. It's totally Samuel L. Jackson saying it, and everyone knows it. He's not even trying to be in character for that moment. Does that line sound remotely like something Mace Windu would say? No. But does it sounds like something Sam Fucking Jackson would say? You'd better believe it. If only he had been a little more himself and a little less Mace Windu in other scenes, he might have been able to save these movies. Jar Jar wouldn't have made it through the first one, I can tell you that. You know how Jar Jar and Mace Windu were in the same place at the same time a couple times and nothing happened? Now just imagine Sam Jackson meeting Jar Jar for the first time. It's a very different result, isn't it?

Five Things I Hate About Attack of the Clones:

There are just so many bad things about this movie. You and I could be here all night, discussing them over a few beers, but since this is a website and not really real time that would be kind of weird. Still, any time one thinks about this movie, there should probably be alcohol involved, so make sure you liquor yourself up before continuing, because it's about to get even uglier. Yes, that 900 lbs of hairy, mole-covered, boil-riddled, buck-toothed movie I've been talking about was the pretty one. I'm about to introduce you to its ugly cousin.

Again, despite the number of bad things about this movie, I have narrowed it down to five that I wish to discuss. That's not to say that these are the only ones, or even the worst--they're just the ones I feel like talking about. But don't you think for a second I didn't consider the atrocious acting that Lucas somehow managed to get out of otherwise decent actors, the dialog that just rolls off the tongue like it's on square wheels ("around the survivors a perimeter create!"), his blatant anti-smoking "deathstick" commentary, Obi-Wan not just interacting with but hugging a goddamned cartoon character, every single "romantic" scene in the movie, Threepio's annoying antics and god-awful puns, and the whole Droid Factory, which is the most blatant and gratuitous sequence I have ever seen inserted into a movie solely with a mind toward the inevitable video game tie-in, and more. I could never forget these things. Never forgive, never forget. I wear this armband for a reason, after all. So here are the ones I did choose to discuss:

1. Pinball Yoda

Ah yes, I can already hear the sound of a thousand fanboys crying out in anger, as if they were suddenly pissed off, so I'm sure many will disagree with me here. Judging from the reactions of others in the theater, this moment was a fanboy's wet dream given reality--finally getting to see Yoda dueling with a lightsaber. Unfortunately, the only way he could effectively use his lightsaber against a full grown opponent involved jumping and bounding around like a frog on methamphetamines, and the end result, while it apparently wowed much of the audience, looked utterly ridiculous. Combine his absurdly unrealistic cartoon bouncing with his grunty battle cries and the fact that he's fighting a nearly 90-year-old man and it just doesn't get much funnier than that. On top of that, having Yoda resort to a common sword fight sort of undermines his whole zen attitude from The Empire Strikes Back. It would have been much more in line with the established character for Dookie to draw his lightsaber and then have Yoda scoff and say "I don't need a lightsaber. Bitch." And then drop a big chunk of metal on his getaway ship. It would have been far more badass than seeing him pouncing around like some kind of feral circus performer, and it actually would have prevented Dookie from getting away, which, silly me, I thought was the goal here.

2. So I Guess This Means Boba Fett Sucks

Ah, what a terrible disappointment it is when we finally see the true origin of one of the coolest looking, most mysterious characters in the original trilogy. Sometimes it's best to just leave certain things undefined, and this was obviously one of those times. Finding out that Boba Fett was a clone of bounty hunter Jango Fett was a bit of a let down, especially when he gets his head unceremoniously chopped off by Mace Windu with almost no effort spent. Still, I guess it's better than being killed by a blind man with a stick (yes, I said "killed" and any of you who bring up those shitty books again and tell me he survived the Sarlacc will never know the touch of a woman, I promise you), so the original has one-up on the clone there. The only thing that could have redeemed Jango Fett's death would have been if his head had fallen from the helmet with a sickening "plop" as young Boba picks it up on the abandoned battlefield. Talk about a scarring experience.

3. Killing Tusken Raiders is Hot

Okay, so evidently you can act all creepy and weird around Padme all you want, and you still have a chance with her, as long as you confess to murdering a bunch of innocent women and children at some point. Apparently that gets her a little moist. But hey, she was a queen after all, and elected or not, you don't get to stay queen without rolling a few heads. I'm just sayin'. And don't even give me that "they're not people" argument, because some people said (and sadly some still do) the same thing about minorities in the past. And what's the other name for Tusken Raiders? Sand People. Yeah, that's what I thought. You would think that this sort of thing might raise a red flag with someone you're considering starting a relationship with, but instead of being like "Uhhh...I have to go" and then stealing the ship and leaving Tatooine like a reasonably sane person, she's just maybe a little into it. Yeah, it's a relatively short time after this that she's confessing her love to him.

4. Obi-Wan is Stupid, Really, Really Stupid

Here, George Lucas insults not only one of his previously most respectable characters, but his entire audience, by asking us to believe that Obi-Wan Kenobi was just outsmarted by a child. Obi-Wan traces the poisoned dart left by the bounty hunter to a world called Kamino, but when he tries to look it up in the Jedi library, he comes up with nothing. All of the nearby systems are still reacting to the gravitational pull as if it's still there, and yet, there is a big blank spot on the map where it should be. So he goes to see Yoda, interrupting his "youngling" (and if you can actually say that word without vomiting all over yourself, you have no soul and god hates you) class, to present this problem, and in about two seconds one of the kids is like "Uh, maybe someone deleted it from the map? You fucking dumb bitch." And thus, Obi-Wan gets shown up by a child, in front of a room full of children, while Yoda spews forth some sickening Hallmark card interior about how "truly wonderful the mind of a child" is. Good work with the detective skills there, Obi-Wan. Maybe you should just join the kids playing with some Duplo blocks and let little Timmy there take up your quest instead.

5. Dookie and Palpatine's "Plot"

Count Dookie (and you just bite that quivering lip, fanboy, because he will always be Count "Dookie" to me) and Palpatine's moustache-twirlingly evil plan is so unbelievably stupid it makes my head hurt just thinking about it for more than a few seconds. So basically Dookie puts together a Separatist movement to secede from the Republic, and meanwhile Palpatine is trying to get the Republic to vote on creating an army (wait, they're a galactic, system-spanning republic don't have a fucking army?), but the Senate won't have anything to do with that (but they are all too happy to vote on giving Chancellor Palpatine supreme emergency powers, with which his first planned action is to create an army--does that make any fucking sense whatsoever?). So anyway, Palpatine either knew about the Clone Army all along and was making a tremendous leap of faith by hoping that the Jedi would discover it based on a simple poisoned dart (which is a setup he never could have planned) so the whole thing would conveniently look like their idea, or he had NO IDEA it existed and the Jedi found it and were like "Surprise! Here is an army that we kind of have now!" and Palpatine was like "Oh, goody! That saves us several years time of recruiting and training". Considering that the clones all have secret programming to kill all the Jedi buried within them, I'm going to say that he probably knew about the clones, even though they were apparently ordered by a Jedi who died sometime between Episodes I and II (and don't you love how in that ten years the cloners patiently wait to be contacted again and don't try to send along a bill or call a galactic collection agency to get the money they're owed).

Then of course we find out that OOoooOOOOoooh, Dookie and Palpatine were in league the whole time! Because Dookie is actually Palpatine's Dark Side Old Man Bitch or whatever the fuck. Yawn. And Palpy really wants to pit his new clone soldiers against his own secret robot soldiers because "it would probably be like a really cool fight and stuff". So the bad guy is basically fighting himself? Are you fucking kidding me? As my brave friend Sam, who I have been making rewatch all of these with me observed, it would have been much more effective if Dookie was actually a third party in league with neither the Sith nor the Jedi, and that his warning to Obi-Wan about Palpatine had been in earnest. Then when Obi-Wan was like "fuck off, I'll never join you" because he didn't trust him, it would have been a tragic turn and the Jedi would have been the ones who fucked themselves over, thus making their plight a damn sight more interesting than this childish, morally black-and-white drivel.

There you go. And if you disagree with any of this and have the nerve to stand up and defend this movie in front of a jury of your peers, by all means, post a comment in the thread below and wrongly tell me how wrong I am. And lest you mistakenly recall Episode III not being as bad as the first two and think I am going to go easy on it, just you wait until you have seen that movie through my eyes in a couple months. I'll set you straight.

Help a Jedi clown out and DIGG this article!

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If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Ten Things I Like About Return Of The Jedi!
Ten Things I Like About Return Of The Jedi!

Reader Comments

Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 03:37 AM
First comment?

I thought the same thing in the theater when Boba held up his dad's head. I mean this is the same movie that woman and children being slaughtered so a shadowy severed head didn't seem all that far fetched.
drifting in the void
Aug 1st, 2008, 03:47 AM
Interesting, didn´t notice some of these things, but then again, I just watched it very casually (more than 3 times actually). BUT I absolutely hate Anakin, Lucas has managed to take away all coolness Vader ever had by showing us what a Jerk he was in his past....just be happy, be very very happy that you get to hear Hayden´s actual voice and not his german synch. Awful, like a little child.

It´s a good thing I was always into star wars with thougts like "Yay, Lightsabers!" and "Yay, Spacebattle!" Enables me to watch the prequels with a little more...ease or something like that.
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Aug 1st, 2008, 03:59 AM
yea, old lucas wasnt the same after his divorce. thats what ruined him tehy say. that and awful fanboy-writers.
Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 05:21 AM
Watching this movie was one of the single worst experiences I have ever had in a theater. While I usually hate people who talk or discuss during any movie I see, I was too busy pretending to stab myself in the eyes and yelling "What!?!" every five seconds to care that I was possibly bothering anyone. I had made many excuses for ep.1, trying to defend the series, but after this I swore off Star Wars forever. Now I haven't seen this for years (never brave enough to re-watch), but if I can remember it my "favorite" parts were the "flowering" romance that gave us that great "frolicking" scene in the fields of Naboo... (There's a poem title). And my favorite line of dialog which was along the lines of "I hate sand, it's rough and coarse and gets in everything. Not like you... you're soft" or some crap like that. After this how did anyone look forward to Indy...
Fookin' up planets!
Aug 1st, 2008, 05:28 AM
All the magic from the original trilogy has been raped, eaten vomited up and raped again.
I was hoping for each film to get better in the trilogy and they kinda did slightly (Episode One hurts my eyes so much that they bleed whenever the pod race begins, and you already know Padme ends up a pedophile.) But there was really no way of saving them... I wish Lucas would have went and let some other crazy bastards direct the movie's.

Episode One: Guy Richie (pre-Madonna)
Episode Two: David Lynch (Just to get shit "weird")
Episode Three: Quentin Tarantino (Just so good ol' Sam Jackson could just be himself.
Fookin' up planets!
Aug 1st, 2008, 05:35 AM
frolicking in the fields of Naboo

I give chase of my Queen
Laughing like a giddy school boy
(Like I was when we met)
Does she run because she is being playful?
Or is she afraid of my Jedi Mind Trick?
There can be no other than her,
She has replaced the lost love in my heart that was once Obi Wan.
I hope I don't ever accidently kill her while she is impregnated with my child (children).
Fingers Crossed.

P.S.
Fuck the Jedi Code I want me some Poonanny!

Anakin Skywalker


________________________
Who would have thought that Luke's badass daddy was a whinier bitch than he ever was?
At least by "Empire Strikes Back" Luke's balls had dropped. It took Anakin getting his ass handed and dipped in Lava and turned into Tetsuo: The Iron Man two get some scruples and even then who can forget his final whine in Episode 3?

Darth Anakin Padawan Skywalker Vader:"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"!!!
Palpatine: "Hehehehe"

WHAT! THE! FUCK!
pickled
Aug 1st, 2008, 06:03 AM
I hate Star Wars now. Why did he wast 20 years on this bullshit when we could have had more Indiana Jones in space.
Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 06:35 AM
I actually hated this movie more than the Episode I. I could live--maybe that's too strong a word--i could choke back the bile a little bit more on the horrible plot elements if it wasn't for the absolute worst dialogue ever captured on film. How did great actors like Jackson and McGregor not want to kill themselves after spitting out the worst lines in cinema history? At least Harrison Ford had the moxy to tell Lucas that, "You can write this shit, George, but you can't say it."

And yeah, the "younglings" crap pissed me off too. The fact that all the stormtroopers and even Boba Fett are all clones. Darth Vader is really nothing more than an emo punk and Hayden Christiansen couldn't act himself out of a colostomy bag.

Thank you Lucas for shitting all over my childhood.
Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 06:46 AM
I agree that Yoda fighting was lame, but I thought it was cool letting one of the short characters be in a fight for a change. For all the little guys in suits and CGI short people, Lucas never really had anyone but R2-D2 be part of the action.
Pickleman's Uncle
Aug 1st, 2008, 06:56 AM
The 5 worst things are ANAKIN.
O

How did he turn into Darth Vader?
Episode 3 should have just been Darth Vader actually hunting down and destroying the Jedi like he was supposed to do according to the original movies.

What the fuck did Darth Vader ever accomplish as Darth Vader other than chocking a couple of geriatrics and throwing Palpatine down a well?

Also why did Palpatine suddenly turn into a paraplegic when Darth Vader picked him up to throw him?

aaaaaar

Did you do episode 3 yet?
That was the real bad one. A nice thick twisting gnarly corny turd on top of the sunday.
Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 06:58 AM
On a related note, how sad is it when the X-Box game, Knights of the Old Republic, is a better experience than all three of the prequels combined? Pretty damn sad
drifting in the void
Aug 1st, 2008, 07:55 AM
Because Kotor is decently written, it centers around a single character that doesn´t suck annnd...there no Frog-Ass-Man in it.
Oozes machismo
Aug 1st, 2008, 08:01 AM
I can say "youngling" without vomiting.

EDIT: Great article. The prequel trilogy is garbage, period.
Clap if you love Dynamo
Aug 1st, 2008, 09:00 AM
First off, nice nods to Twisted Toyfare Theater Proto with the "Jango's head falling out of his helmet" reference and the "slaughtering women and children is hot reference".

I actually saw Episode II twice on opening night, once as a free preview showing. Then again at midnight as I had already bought tickets to that showing. We all went to Buffalo Wild Wings before the movie and several beers later I got pretty shitfaced. To make a long story short, the first two times I watched it I thought it didn't make sense because I was too drunk to get the broken plot. I went a third time sober with my brother and it turned out it had nothing to do with my inebriation level as it did with the lazy writing and directing. Live and learn I guess.

EDIT: By the way, was anyone else confused by the whole 'younglings' scene? Why do they need helmets in a digital library/classroom? Also, why do they all have their lightsabers in hand as though they anticipate a fight?
Zsa Zsa Azazel
Aug 1st, 2008, 09:10 AM
Dig the article, Proto.

When my wife and I went to see Ep. II, during the scene where Anakin discovers the bloody, mutilated corpse of his mother the ENTIRE audience spontaneously started pissing themselves with laughter at Hayden Christiansen's godawful acting. I kid you not - and this was a 300 or so-strong audience.

We also raucously laughed through the 'romance' moments. Then again, we ARE Australians.
Commarade General
Aug 1st, 2008, 11:18 AM
Ah... the Yoda scene.

From that day, I've always wonder why the hell Yoda needs a cane if he can jump and turn like crazy.

And since that day, I've always refered to this fighting technique as the "técnica pirinolita" (A pririnola is a little top [kind of a dreidl] used in mexican traditional games). When the term slipped while talking to a Star Wars fan friend of mine, he just whirled his eyes and asked "The Yoda scene?". When I nodded he proptly answered "Yeah, no one believed that scene".

Enough said.

-Commanderraf
Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 11:21 AM
Pinball Yoda was one of the only redeeming moments in the movie for me. I sat bored and irritated my entire first viewing of this movie in a theater packed with costumed fanboys on opening night and when Yoda started pinging off the walls and everyone in the audience started going oohh and ahh, I couldn't stop laughing my head off. I cried for crispssake. Cried.

Oh yeah, and the proper response to genocide is disgust. Is Padma supposed to be like Eva Braun or what? Bleah
What Video Games?
Aug 1st, 2008, 11:43 AM
I say bravo to you actually finding five good things about this movie. I found zero. Episodes I and III had more merit than this. That animated Clone Wars had more merit. Hell, I'd imagine even the HOLIDAY SPECIAL had more merit (Seriously, Bea Arthur singing to the Cantina theme? I'd never stop laughing.) than this droll, monotonous piece-of-shit. And it feels like it set the standard for jedis as a whole. Droll, monotonous, and never going to get laid.
Member
Aug 1st, 2008, 12:19 PM
Hats off to you Proto for willingly sit through this crap-a-thon all over again. Unlike some fanboys out there, I wholeheartedly agree with your list and am truely amazed that you could find something redeeming about the whole film. I wished that Lucas had enough wits to have competent directors for the prequels, as they'd be able to call him on some shit and also wouldn't make poor Natalie Portman cry.
Retardedly Handsome
Aug 1st, 2008, 12:45 PM
I liked this one the best out of the 3. I love star wars and I don't give a fuck how bad any of them are. Sure they are full of plot holes and when Anakin has his mental break down I thought it was a bit well painfull. The fight between Obi and Jango was good at least. And I remeber my friend and I having hundreds of conversations about the mystery Jedi who ordered the clones.

I've also read the books but I've never seemed to take them as the Gospel truth. Boba Fett was just so bas ass that no one wanted to believe that he could be dead. After seeing how Jango died I think it would be suiting that he die by the hand of a blind man.
Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 02:12 PM
As much as I love your articles, I personally think your bias against the prequel trilogy is unprovoked. Dear God, enjoy it as a movie! If its not EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE BLOODY ORIGINAL TRILOGY it can still enjoy as a movie. Not every Star Wars has to satisfy you more than A New Hope (but still, thank god you're not one of those people who claim IV is the ONLY Star Wars). Sure, Lucas made a few mistakes (hiring Natalie Portman, for one), but still, he's not that bad of a director.

Although the horrible abomination that called itself...I'll just say, JJB, is, indeed, deserving of murder and far worse (or should I say better?).
Jason's a Furry! Run!
Aug 1st, 2008, 02:13 PM
Loved the article Proto, nice work. I actually believe that Episode II is much worse than Episode I, mainly because I actually made it through Episode I (I'm still not sure if I watched all of Episode II, and I know I went to a theater to see it. Whatever the case, it's certainly not something I'm going to investigate further), and because that when I watched Episode I as a naive little 9-year-old, I actually got some enjoyment out of it.

Full agreements with the Slave 1 battle and Samuel L. acting like Samuel L. (I think I thought those were the most awesome parts of the movie when I watched it). Also: major kudos (to you and the site) for the Star Wars RiffTax add down below, it's as relevant an ad as could be.
duuuuuuuude!
Aug 1st, 2008, 04:09 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mojomajik9 View Post
On a related note, how sad is it when the X-Box game, Knights of the Old Republic, is a better experience than all three of the prequels combined? Pretty damn sad
Note though, that Knights Of The Old Republic II was a disappointing sequel. (Or maybe that was just me.) Not that it, in any way, compares to the horrors of the three prequels.
Roid Rager
Aug 1st, 2008, 04:19 PM
If watching Episode I is like sodomizing a goat, then watching episode II is like sodomizing a retarted goat that is paralyzed and blind. I agree with you whole heartily Proto. Lucas may be a great artistic creator, but his ability to write and direct have diminished. I don't think it was his divorce dungeonbrownies. Divorce makes you bitter and jaded, and none of this sentiment made its way into these films. Best part of episode II: watching obi-wan handle Dookie's lightning after Aniken was bitch-slapped by it. Yes, bitch-slapped because that's what he sounded like after being hit by Dookie's voltage.
なにをみてんだよ
Aug 1st, 2008, 05:57 PM
Yeah, Ep.II was a big pile of shit.
SKATASTIC
Aug 1st, 2008, 06:23 PM
Worst part of the Yoda Dooku battle was the other charactors these actors made famous.


Miss Piggy Jedi Fighting Dracula.
I must preserve my P.B.F.
Aug 1st, 2008, 07:54 PM
The Star Wars prequels further my beliefs that Lucas has gotten senile.
Commarade General
Aug 1st, 2008, 08:13 PM
Quote:
The Star Wars prequels further my beliefs that Lucas has gotten senile
.

For me, it's the Star Wars prequels and the stinking heap of garbage of "Indiana Jones 4". That's not an Indy movie.
Riot Control
Aug 1st, 2008, 08:20 PM
I agree with Poxpower. The worst thing in the entire fucking prequels is Anakin Skywalker. He can even be introduced to that list -RoG- is working on about movie assholes because, in the end, that's all he represents in those movies: A wimpy asshole.
Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 08:26 PM
Crap, now that I think of it, I haven't seen the "real" trilogy since I saw the prequels, I guess my heart was broken afterwards. I thought that Christensen was lousily directed therefore the cardboard acting, however, I just saw jumper, and crap, he sucks vomit covered monkey balls!! I never thought that Lucas would actually figure a way to rape vader's legacy.
grants but one wish
Aug 1st, 2008, 09:25 PM
well, to me the qhole movie was crap, well, so was every one of lucas' films really
Forum Virgin
Aug 1st, 2008, 10:58 PM
How the hell you found 5 things that would remotely be considered "good" is beyond me, so kudos to you sir. I remember actually looking forward to this movie as I thought it couldn't be worse than the abortion that was Episode 1. What a fool I was, deceived by that ultimate bastard , George Lucas. The frolic scene in the grass and the true words of love from Padamalely(whatever the hell the bitch's name is) as there being sent to their deaths in the arena were the most painful one's to watch for me. My wife actually had to stop me from demanding my money back. It's pretty sad when the pathetic people dressed in full SW attire are complaining about how bad this pile of shit really is. Oh and the Yoda fight scene, sigh.........
Forum Chaos Lord
Aug 1st, 2008, 11:33 PM
General consensus is that Episode 2 is the worst of a very bad lot.
Blah blah blah
Aug 1st, 2008, 11:44 PM
I enjoyed the prequel movies, but probably only because I'm not a huge Star Wars nerd and wasn't emotionally invested in them.

Anakin's acting was godawful though (both actors that played him).
Member
Aug 2nd, 2008, 04:49 AM
Thankfully, working in a store that sold DVDs saved me from seeing this in the theater (that, and I think, surgery, but I can't be sure.) I do remember shaking my head at the scene where they ask the kids what they think the solution to Obi-Wan's problem is. It was a "No shit, sherlock" moment for me, every time.

Proto, too, added to something that I hated about this movie: the timing. Of course, his is a "good" moment, the fact that the assassin just *happens* to get shot right before she can reveal the name. The other thing is Shimi Skywalker. They go back to Tatooine and Anakin finds Watto. Then he finds the man who bought and freed his mother, only to find out *gasp* that she's been kidnapped by the sand people and been gone a month. He goes out to look for her and just *happens* to find her and she just *happens* to have held out long enough to stay alive and *gasp* die in the arms of her son. *gasp* *shock* *angst* Bullshit. It's too contrived. Too convenient. That really rubbed me the wrong way. Of course, listening to Christenson whine afterwards wasn't any better. "Someday, I will be the most powerful Jedi ever!" And after listening to that about three times a day it turned into "And until then, I'm going to be a whiney little bitchboy!"

R2-D2. Flying. No. Just...no.
Member
Aug 2nd, 2008, 05:19 AM
Epic masterpiece completely screwed. Fuck you Lucas. Fuck you with fire and throw salt on your ashes. Darth Vader - one of the greatest bad guys in cinema history turned into a whiny bitch! Lucas you arsehole!
What Video Games?
Aug 2nd, 2008, 01:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darqlink51 View Post
Dear God, enjoy it as a movie! If its not EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE BLOODY ORIGINAL TRILOGY it can still enjoy as a movie.
We tried that already.

It still sucks.
The Goddamned Batman
Aug 2nd, 2008, 01:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darqlink51 View Post
As much as I love your articles, I personally think your bias against the prequel trilogy is unprovoked. Dear God, enjoy it as a movie! If its not EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE BLOODY ORIGINAL TRILOGY it can still enjoy as a movie. Not every Star Wars has to satisfy you more than A New Hope (but still, thank god you're not one of those people who claim IV is the ONLY Star Wars). Sure, Lucas made a few mistakes (hiring Natalie Portman, for one), but still, he's not that bad of a director.
I think you misunderstand me. My issue with the prequels isn't that they are different from the original trilogy. It's that they are horrible, shitty movies. You can't look at those movies objectively and come away thinking they are anything other than shit, I'm sorry. Just analyze the plot, characters, and acting on their own merit (taken out of context of the whole series) and they are just really, really bad all around.
Forgets Passwords Easily
Aug 2nd, 2008, 05:03 PM
I think we should all pool our resources together and win the lottery and remake the entire prequel trilogy.

And Boba Fett has always been a bitch. He's short and his head is like 8 feet wide in Empire Strikes back.
ni kar'tayl gar darasuum
Aug 2nd, 2008, 05:07 PM
I saw Attack of the Clones 22 times in the theatre. really, kept going back for the Slave 1 action (no music till the missile, sweetness).

I could sit here and debate these points for hours- I am a Star Wars Addict- but my hot wings just got here and i eat like a slob.

real quick though- one of the best parts of AotC is when Annie takes his mom down, the rack has leg ties for some sand people raping. Shmi is full of Tusken Cum-


good write Proto- you gonna go after Ewok movies after Sith? FYI: Wilford Brimley says "FUCK"


p.s. This fanboy thinks lucas's cock tastes like plastic. and I think I tasted some cinnamon in there too........
Forum Virgin
Aug 2nd, 2008, 05:27 PM
The only time I will attempt to watch this or other bad movies is if is with a Rifftrax to make it more bearable. That's how I survived Daredevil, Batman and Robin, and that Star Trek sequel with Kim Catrall as a Vulcan.
Forum Virgin
Aug 2nd, 2008, 05:47 PM
Christensen is a prime example of what's wrong with the movie/TV industry these days...i.e. people who keep getting work because of their looks, not talent. Who cares if he made Darth Vader forever into an emo Backstreet Boy, hey, he looked TOTALLY HOT and I'm sure they spiked the female demographic (that was SO a major part in SW's success!) He must have had naked pictures of George Lucas to last 2/3rds of the trilogy (and an extra movie when he 1984'ed Sebastian Shaw out of existence, and even he couldn't do a silent part right!). If this was Christopher Nolan, he would have listened to the fans and Katie Holmesed him right out of the sequel.

I almost wish I wasn't seeing things through Titanic-hype-hate glasses back in the day, and that I supported the rumor that Leo would be Anakin. At least, unlike Hayden, he has come to have SOME cred beyond the teenybopper stigma.

Granted, Attack of the Killer Clon-a-toes was better than TPM, and then ROTS better than that, but really that's like saying solid poop is better than diarrhea, which is better than vomit. And hey, how can I not love a movie that made me do the unthinkable...say that I agreed with the usually pretentious Village Voice movie reviews (Hayden + Natalie = less charisma than rubbing action figures together = BRILLIANT line)

Sign me on for the "remake the prequels" petition. Now why, why, WHY can't we have remakes only when we, you know, NEED them? (unlike, say, the non-existent demand for the granddaddy of all slasher films to be fortified with more F-words, more extreme violence, more bad actresses, and Rob Zombie)

Sadly, now SW is dead to me because of all this BS...I can't even enjoy the OT in part due to the taint of revisionist history on that. I hate people who think they own the past and can do whatever they want to it.
after enough bourbon ...
Aug 2nd, 2008, 10:24 PM
I guess I'm one of the lucky few that has not experienced any of the prequel movies from beginning to end, although I saw about 15 solid minutes of Episode III in K-Mart one afternoon. That was more than enough for me.

I made a pact with myself when the prequels were first coming out that I would never EVER see them, and for the most part, have held to that promise. The only real Star Wars movies are episodes 4 through 6.

All this being said, great piece and fine work Proto. From the bottom of my heart I salute you.
Forum Virgin
Aug 3rd, 2008, 01:11 AM
As always the lightsaber duels are badass, and when Obi Wan goes down against Dooku and Anankin takes over and weilds dual sabers totally bitchin. But what ruins the whole scene is all the goddamn close ups. Even when the powers cut and the lights dim, that would have been a great scene, nothing but saber beams swinging around, clashing with each other, Dooku's red saber, Anakin, green and blue sabers, kind of like Darth Vader VS Luke in that memorable scene in The Empire Strikes Back, when they first confront each other, in that scene more fighting and hardly any close ups, Anakin VS Dooku, who gives a shit about their reactions, more or less their emotions, they make faces like their taking an epic shit. Show them swinging their lightsabers like we wanna see.
Forum Virgin
Aug 3rd, 2008, 01:16 AM
One more thing WHO gives a shit about the upcoming CLONE WARS movie??? I sure don't! I want Episode VII. Fuck the clone wars. Another 2 1/2 hours of Anakin bitching, thank god its animated, if I have to watch Hayden Christenson (i know i spelt it wrong) cry and whine I will burn all my Darth Vader action figures.
Forum Virgin
Aug 3rd, 2008, 01:18 AM
One last thing after Episode III who wanted to see Obi Wan, continue training under the guidance of Qui Gon's Ghost??? I did. Not the FUCKING clone wars. WHo cares???
Forum Virgin
Aug 3rd, 2008, 02:13 AM
Honestly, I never really understood the sheer amount of hatred and rage directed at the prequels. I recently re-watched the original three movies, and there as plenty of delightfully ridiculous moments in that trilogy as well. The one example that sticks in my mind (beyond the whole Boba Fett's epic failure) was how shiny Darth Vader was--he glows like the sun! And let us not forget the Ewoks...
Ba dum dum dum dum
Aug 3rd, 2008, 07:46 AM
Making Yoda and Palpatine flip out style ninjas was stupid. They were much, much cooler in the original trilogy where they were both philosophical behind the scenes manipulators that were physically frail but had a powerful attunement to the force.
MELTING WATCHES, GALA!
Aug 3rd, 2008, 10:17 AM
The prequels all suck. Everyone of them. I, thankfully never saw Attack Of The Clones. However i DID see Phantom Menace.

It is one of 2 movies that nearly made me physically sick.
Full of Country Goodness
Aug 3rd, 2008, 11:58 AM
BOBA FETT TOTALLY GETS OUT OF THE SARLACC PIT! HE DOES! HE LIVES AND GETS A ROBOT LEG AND IS THE BEST MAN AT DENGAR'S WEDDING!
Forum Chaos Lord
Aug 3rd, 2008, 02:31 PM
I keep having this dream in which Proto is being told by RoG to do this one for RotS, and Proto doing a Vader-esque NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Forum Virgin
Aug 3rd, 2008, 02:37 PM
Alcibiades....that can be summed up in one reason: today's moviegoing audience's want for action, action, action, totally nonstop and especially ninja/anime-type or Matrix-type. Not that it makes conforming rather than getting a different style over always better.
Fookin' up planets!
Aug 3rd, 2008, 10:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenPeaness View Post
BOBA FETT TOTALLY GETS OUT OF THE SARLACC PIT! HE DOES! HE LIVES AND GETS A ROBOT LEG AND IS THE BEST MAN AT DENGAR'S WEDDING!
HELL YES MAN! BOBA FETT FANS FOREVER = BFFF!
And even though the books of Boba Fett crawling out of the Sarlacc weren't written by George "Brilliant" Lucas, somebody else took the bull by the horns and took a kick ass character that Lucas effectively ruined and pulled him from death to make him badass again.

that is all
Sympathizes with the foo'
Aug 4th, 2008, 02:29 AM
Sure, they suck, but the Rifftrax for these three make it all worthwhile...
Pickleman's Uncle
Aug 4th, 2008, 04:14 AM
You can say what you want about the original movies, but the Dialogue was SUPERB.
Who fucked up the dialogue so impossibly bad in the prequels? Who can I blame for that?

And yes, Ewoks are so retarded. Apparently Storm Troopers can't withstand the fierce assault of an arrow gently lobbed at them by a midget.
ni kar'tayl gar darasuum
Aug 4th, 2008, 01:03 PM
BOBA FETT TOTALLY GETS OUT OF THE SARLACC PIT! HE DOES! HE LIVES AND GETS A ROBOT LEG

*The robot leg was only temporary until he had the time & credits for his black market clone leg. *spoiler alert* he got his clone dna redone so now he'll live another 100+ years and he's the a figure head for a whole government of planets and he can't even set foot on Mandalore now and they retconed the whole other mandalore/fake Boba marvel comics era ANd he's got grandkids AND i kinda want to hit Karen Traviss. with my cock.

******************************
Anyways, Send in the Clones:
You know how everyone hates the Padme/Anakin romance cause it's akward? Isn't it kinda supposed to be? Anakins A Space Preppie from the most Elite Prep school in the known Universe (and he spends his free time playing with robots instead of trying to get in Barriss Offee's pants) and Padme's part of the super debate club where Bail Organa's the cool guy! (and she spends her free time helping doomed aliens- see Clones deleted scenes, IF YOU DARE!). No fuckin wonder these two are cliche'd dorks when they're alone. It reminds me of a chess club physics club mixer.


another II plus: Extra scumbag Watto. now there's someone I wanted to see whipping his slaves.

Best line in II: Dooku's speal to captured Obi wan. "A mistake. A terrible mistake"
after enough bourbon ...
Aug 4th, 2008, 02:17 PM
I finally remembered! I can't believe it took me so long, but that feeling of "déjà vu" all over again when you highlighted your #2 thing you liked - "The name of the killer is ...." - MONTY PYTHON!

(reading the scrawled message)

"The grail is hidden at the Castle Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Now I get it - Lucas is doing an homage to a great comedy by inserting a defining moment into this craptastic shitstorm. He truly is a genius of infinitessimal proportions.
Dirty Birdy
Aug 4th, 2008, 04:56 PM
My biggest problem was with one of the "plot" elements. The Jedi council has established over and over that Anakin, at best, has some issues that need working out. One of which is control of his feelings. So, in their infinite wisom, they dump him (a raging teen ball of hormones) and Padme (hottie) on a planet that might as well have been called Eden. What did they think would happen? Just more horrible crap from Lucas.
Forum Virgin
Aug 5th, 2008, 01:25 AM
There is one more thing that was good about this movie (actually it was the only thing that I liked at all). During the seen when Anakin and Padme kiss for the first time the music that is playing is swelling and getting more grandiose and then it hits a crescendo when their lips actually meet... then it cuts out completely when Padme breaks the kiss. For some reason this had me (and only me) rolling in the aisles in the theater. Just to see the whiny pathetic look on Anakins face when she pulls away made me happy. The only thing that would have been better would be to have a brick just fly in from off camera and crush his front teeth in and blood would go flying. Yeah... that would have been awesome.
Forum Virgin
Aug 5th, 2008, 02:40 AM
Wow. Finding five things right with Episode II is probably harder, to me at least, than doing the same with Episode I. For all of the crap that Episode I gets- and much of it is deserved- it doesn't end up being a complete steaming pile. I think it comes out somewhat on the level of "mediocre," although it's definitely the most childish of the six. This, however, does nothing right, not even the 30-some-odd minute scene in the battle arena. Lucas managed to screw up what should have been excellent with schmaltzy dialogue, and not even Natalie Portman's perky nipples could save that.
Imperial Stormtrooper
Aug 5th, 2008, 08:54 AM
I really don't know why everybody knocks the prequels.. I think that they added on to the overall coolness of the whole series; breathing a new life to an awesome franchise.
Forum Virgin
Aug 5th, 2008, 10:49 AM
@resident-adam: Obviously you are joking, as no-one with a sane mind could make that sort of glowing comment on a trilogy of shit prequels.
Doctor Caliente
Aug 6th, 2008, 06:37 PM
I seriously thought about walking out of this movie during the "frolic-in-the-fields" scene. I literally only stayed because I had paid $7.50 to see it. This movie, coupled with Phantom Menace, was the main reason why I didn't actually see Revenge of the Sith until about a year ago, and that was only because a friend invited me over to watch it at his apartment. Funny thing is, even though RotS was comparatively better than the first 2 prequels, it would still fall into my list of top 10 worst movies I've ever seen...
Member
Aug 7th, 2008, 02:02 AM
The entire new trilogy is the worst waste of time ever, I knew it was up by this movie. I mean, they're not like watching actual movies, the entire tone and pacing is completely the flip opposite of the originals. Which, well, you know what.. there's so many great flicks out there, you want an epic 6 part film series with swords, decapitations, big ass battles, loads of arterial spray?

LONE WOLF & CUB. Stop acting like this pasty tame bullshit is even remotely cool and see some real badass shit.
Doctor Caliente
Aug 7th, 2008, 02:26 PM
Proto, I'm looking forward to your "5 Things" for Revenge of the Sith. Please, show no mercy to the steaming pile of sith.
Member
Aug 7th, 2008, 03:08 PM
eck, I am proud to say I have not seen Sith, I'll let Proto see it for me, and dismember it accordingly.

Seriously, watch samurai movies, they're like Star Wars, only they don't suck.
Fanboy
Aug 11th, 2008, 09:51 PM
Yeah..."I have had it with these motherfucking Sith on this motherfucking planet!" That would have ruled.
Forum Virgin
Aug 13th, 2008, 02:34 PM
Oh, if you didn't like the preachy "deathstick" messages, wait'll you get to the not-so-veiled anti-Bush comments in Episode III. Cause it's so "in" for celebrities to rebel against the President (not that I disagree totally, but at times it did come across as just a fad). If only Lucas got the Dixie Chicks treatment as well for this one...
Official Punching Bag
Aug 13th, 2008, 09:23 PM
I remember when it was cool to diss Prime Minister John Howard... then he got voted out. A similar phenomenon to Bush hating except the people's voice actually helped give him the boot.

As for the Boba Fett issue, Boba Fett is an iconic figure (in more ways than one *merchandising*) because his armour and bounty hunter status has made him loved by many fans, even if he did fall in the Sarlaac Pit, he's still awesome. I guess he has a better life in Internet memes and action figures than he ever did on screen, even Peter Griffin says "You can't touch the Fett" when he's talking about his action figures. Some people don't like him, and that's fine, but Fett is a lot more awesome than Jar Jar Binks, and by the way I was one of the only kids that liked him *this is blasphemy, this is madness!*
Mocker
Aug 24th, 2008, 08:53 PM
I agree with your hate list except the Yoda fight. After two hours of boredom in a movie theater waiting for the fucking clone wars how could you not enjoy a Yoda lightsaber battle?
Former Virgin
Sep 1st, 2008, 02:08 AM
I totally agree that Dooku should have been a wildcard. A front man for a whole other sect, not just another whipping boy for palpatine. He could have been a threat to the Jedi and the empire. Dooku would have been infinitely more interesting and could have survived past the fifteen minute mark of Movie III to pester all sides with his own agenda.
Valkyr Addict
Sep 24th, 2008, 09:15 AM
my head hurts, i'm so confused.
King of the Monsters
Oct 12th, 2008, 12:57 AM
I hated how every "cool new" evil character is pretty much wasted, as in either killed, mishandled, or both, in short order.
Forum Virgin
Jan 14th, 2009, 09:57 PM
Argh dammit, these points are exactly why I put off getting the damn film for DVD for years. I got ROTS a few years back so I decided to get it cheap off Amazon. At least the Clones were good in my opinion (the Clone Wars cartoon is still annoyingly too expensive to get for me).

And I liked the books and comics guess I know what I've been doing wrong all the time...
Registered Absoludicrat
Apr 2nd, 2010, 02:36 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Captain PirateFace View Post
All the magic from the original trilogy has been raped, eaten vomited up and raped again.
I was hoping for each film to get better in the trilogy and they kinda did slightly (Episode One hurts my eyes so much that they bleed whenever the pod race begins, and you already know Padme ends up a pedophile.) But there was really no way of saving them... I wish Lucas would have went and let some other crazy bastards direct the movie's.

Episode One: Guy Richie (pre-Madonna)
Episode Two: David Lynch (Just to get shit "weird")
Episode Three: Quentin Tarantino (Just so good ol' Sam Jackson could just be himself.

Oddly enough, Lynch was actually tapped to direct ROTJ, but turned it down to make Dune. When I need to go to my happy place I try to conceptualize the wonderful insanity that would have resulted from the director of Eraserhead putting his "unique" spin on the Star Wars trilogy.
Forum Virgin
Jan 25th, 2011, 04:07 AM
Star wars sucked. ALL of them even the first, Hayden Christinsen was the only one who could act in those godawefull, too long films. Fuck Stars wars, fuck the jedi bullshit and fuck any fanboy virgin who wants to reply to this comment. FUCK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!!!
Clap if you love Dynamo
Jan 25th, 2011, 10:06 AM
Wow, you are SO edgy. Linking Star Wars and virginity, nobody has EVER thought of that. You are what is cutting edge sir

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