Snuffleupagus, a popular Wooly Mammoth-like creature that inhabited Sesame Street, has been found dead. His killer, an 8 foot 2 inch giant bird, known by Sesame Street locals as "Big Bird". Big Bird apparently wanted to prove once and for all to local nonbelievers that Snuffleupagus did in fact exist.
Many people already knew about the existence of Snuffleupagus, but as viewers of Sesame Street might recall, there was a good 14 years before anyone else but Big Bird got to see him.
Big Bird constantly tried to prove that his friend "Snuffy" did in fact exist. But when he found that he was the subject of ridicule for talking about his "imaginary friend", it proved to be quite stressful on Big Bird. Ever since then, it was rumored that Big Bird experienced horrible flashbacks of the people on Sesame Street laughing at him.
Things took a turn for the worse when Big Bird became addicted to crack cocaine. So when the inhabitants of Sesame Street saw that their friend was deteriorating quickly, they decided to intervene.
This intervention proved to be the worst thing yet for Big Bird. Before they could even finish the intervention, Big Bird stormed off in an angry rage. "Elmo see Big Bird run off saying bad words like, 'I'm a gonna Snuff that Snuffleupagus one of these days!', and, 'Those Sons a bitches will finally believe me!'. Big Bird made me cry! Tickle me and cheer me up!", said Elmo.
It was a hard time for everyone on Sesame Street, but things would soon improve. Big Bird finally felt better when in 1985 Snuffleupagus was seen by everybody on Sesame Street. Big Bird was no longer seen as "a big dumb, crazy bird", but the flashbacks kept coming. 16 years later, today, the people of Sesame Street saw Big Bird walk out of the local gun shop screaming his head off about people not believing him and foaming at the mouth. Big Bird had apparently had his worst flashback ever... and it proved to be too much.
Soon after, a gunshot was heard and Big Bird appeared from an alley and he was dragging the dead corpse of Snuffleupagus behind him. He dragged the corpse out into the middle of Sesame Street and yelled, "There! There he is you idiots! This is Snuffleupagus! Are you happy now!?!? I had to kill my best friend just to get you to believe me that he existed!!!".
"Oscar The Grouch", a character on Sesame Street that encourages kids to be homeless slobs that live in trash receptacles when they get older, seemed to be quite pleased with the whole ordeal. "I never liked that big dumb bird. I'm surprised that Snuffleupagus was real 'n all, but I would much rather that somebody killed Big Bird. I would have done it myself, but now he's probably going to get the chair anyway. So I guess he really killed two birds with one stone. Ha Ha Ha! Excuse me, I have to go eat some garbage now."
Snuffleupagus was 30 years old (nobody knows how many years that is in "Snuffy years") and enjoyed roller skating, playing the "snuffleflute", eating cabbage, and saying "Oh, dear." all the time.
Big Bird is set to have a trial in 2 weeks, and it is said that he will indeed receive the electric chair. Rumor has it that his lawyer is going to try to have the bird put to sleep and then donated to Kentucky Fried Chicken. More info on Big Bird's trial as the story develops.
HEY KIDS, HERE'S SOME COLORING FUN! As an added bonus, we've included this fun coloring exercise! Just click on the picture below and you can color in your very own picture of Big Bird with a smoking gun in his hand!
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