Since I'm still fairly young and my metabolism is in high gear, now is the best time to eat a dozen greasy cheeseburgers without having to worry about my love handles drooping over my waistline.
So I picked some of the most popular hamburger chains in the U.S. and decided to grade them. I guess this is more for my own amusement, because I don't think you'll walk away from this with anything but dissatisfaction for my sense of humor.
But just so you know, I did include the pricing of one basic cheeseburger so you can compare prices. For example, you'll find that you can purchase four Burger King cheeseburgers for the price of one 7 Eleven cheeseburger.
This event, which took place in one day, is completely factual. And when I say "boigah" it's just a different way to say burger. And I'm not referring to boogers, either. Trust me, they taste nothing alike.
LOCATION: IN-N-OUT | $1.65/cheeseburger
The first burger joint I went to was a restaurant located only in California, Nevada and Arizona; In-N-Out. One good thing about this place is that there are only three things on the menu so it's hard to get confused.
Special thanks to Carnivore for being the real meat-eatin' O.G.
It took 20 minutes to get the one single cheeseburger I ordered. They make it from scratch - I could hear them grinding live baby cows in the back. The sounds were making me salivate. When I finally received my sample I dove in like Greg Louganis in a stark-naked male pool party.
It was a hefty boigah, complete with fresh veggies. The bun was grilled (YUM!), it had lots of cheese and the special sauce wasn't too shabby. The only downer was the size of the patty. It was so small that the cheese completely engulfed it in a blanket of fat with enough girth to clog up my browneye like a cork.
Nonetheless, all those onions got me randy enough to hump the sign. Me. A cigarette. Humping. A sign that says "IN-N-OUT"... Wow. That's pure sex folks. I was beginning to wonder if I'd make it through the journey of seven locations. I decided to pace myself. One down, six to go.
IN-N-OUT Grade: A-
LOCATION: BURGER KING | $.49/cheeseburger
The first thing I asked for when I got to BK was a crown. I wanted a fuckin' crown or I was going to die trying. I got the crown. Then I got my burger, like 10 seconds later. Yowza yay that was fast!
The burger was hot, it had a large portion of meat, two pickles, a bun that could have been a bit fresher, and a bit of mustard. I love mustard. But it had too much ketchup. It looked like a parrot took a shit on a bun.
Then my sister commenced to have index-sex with my dead cow, but it was still edible.
As sloppy as it looks, that BK culinary delight was pieced together better than any other I had eaten. And I'm a sucker for the whole "flame-broiled" pitch BK's selling. However, I set my feelings of favorites aside and practiced partiality.
BURGER KING Grade: B+
LOCATION: CARL'S JR. | $1.00/cheeseburger
Isn't this place the same thing as Hardee's? I always thought so. Anyway. It had a nice atmosphere and the menu looked pretty good.
The burger looked like it had been sat on by Star Jones. And not in the good way. And whoever made it decided to close their eyes and only use one hand when putting it together. That or they had a severe case of Parkinson's.
I decided to show my sister how they put fake "grilled" lines on the burger to make it look like it was actually grilled. I don't think she could notice the lines. She said something about her fried zucchini not being so appetizing any longer. Uh... Whatever.
Then my brother, who was in this diatribe with me from the beginning, started feeling the effects of three brands of burgers. I guess it's not a good idea. After he ate that burger we started calling him CARL SENIOR! Hahaha... YARF!
No matter how many times I tried to explain this thing to the kids in the PlayPlace, they just didn't understand.
CARL'S JR. GRADE: B-
LOCATION: 7 Eleven | $1.99/cheeseburger
Yes, 7 Eleven sells cheeseburgers. I had never had one before, so this was a completely new experience for me - like wearing biker shorts or masturbation. This proved to be an interesting first.
This thing was heavy and hot, like a quarter-pound of steaming Saint Bernard shit wrapped and priced. When I opened up the bun to see what was inside, the bun wouldn't let go of the cheese. So I forced them apart with the Jaws of Life and noticed that meat and cheese were all that was in there. No condiments. No veggies. No love.
There were no booths so I had to eat on the floor. You'd be amazed at how clean the floor was. Even when the front door opened and a stir of wind landed a pubic hair on my boigah, I maintained vigilance. This was quite possibly the most disgusting hamburger I had ever eaten. It tasted like processed toe meat and smelled like they forgot to take the socks off before cooking it.
7 ELEVEN GRADE: D
LOCATION: JACK IN THE BOX | $.99/cheeseburger
There's nothing funnier than humping a corporate sign in public. Well, unless you decide to look on the inside of a Jack in the Box boigah.
It was a thick meatwich and it boasted two different cheeses, which I could only distinguish as yellow and white. But Jack in the Box put more mayonnaise on my cheeseburger than I can stomach. Who the fuck wants mayo on a burger?! This pissed me off. And to top it off, there were no pickles.
He was really scared. He probably mayo'd in his little panties. "IF I WASN'T SICK TO MY STOMACH I'D WANT ANOTHER JACK IN THE BOX HAMBURGER WITHOUT JIZZ!" I hollered. He got the picture. "THIS SHIT LOOKS LIKE DOLPHIN GOO ON WALRUS POO!"
JACK IN THE BOX GRADE: C+
LOCATION: WENDY'S | $.99/cheeseburger
Five cheesey boigahs later and I was still going strong. Hell, I was ready to bypass all this stupid shit and just eat the cow's ass. But, formalities override and I pressed on with steadfast devotion.
I can always count on Wendy's for a decent hamburger. And as expected, they delivered the goods. Fresh onions and crisp lettuce helpfully drowned out the skimpy meat patty. It also included mustard, pickles and a fresh bun. Yipee!
But despite the pleasantries of Wendy's presentation, I, too, was beginning to feel the effects of mixing corporations recipes for success. Scarfing down this burger was a monumental task. I could feel my stomach expanding, pressing on my bladder. I couldn't finish this one. And I had to take a pee.
It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
When I returned to the table I found that my wife had gone crazy with her frosty. (For the record, she's honored to have a stream of my urine picture above her head.)
All he wanted to do was please everyone. Sigh.
WENDY'S GRADE: A-
LOCATION: MCDONALD'S | $.99/cheeseburger
The most popular of boigah chains proves to be the least interested in what actually goes in to their hamburger. Sure, they might be the cheapest, but there's a reason for that.
The burger was sparse. One fuckin' pickle, a meat patty the size of a contact lens, no mustard, cold cheese and minced onions. What is going on here? It looks like human appendages strewn about a battlefield.
We decided to eat in the PlayPlace area. And just to spite those McBastards I decided to press my last meal up against a bulbous bit of glass. We had to make sure the coast was clear and that none of the McDonalds authorities caught wind of our vandalism.
But all that running to the car made my stomach stir in disagreement with what I had forced it to digest. The gears kicked in reverse and the $8 I spent on burgers was now grass fertilizer. McDamn.
MCDONALD'S GRADE: F+
I've learned a few valuable lessons from this experience. Primarily, I can only devour about four cheeseburgers before I have to repress my gag reflex. I also learned that all burgers considered, IN-N-OUT takes the cake.
Although urinating on that Wendy's burger was a blast, roughing up that Jack In The Box employee proved fulfilling and eating on the floor of a gas station put me in touch with all things ground level; humping that drive-through sign made me feel complete.
Just in case you were wondering, these were all San Diego chains. I can't speak for nationwide pricing and/or preparation, but one can assume that if you seen one you've seen them all. And they all suck.
I will never eat another cheeseburger for at least a week.