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The Candy Cane Report!
by: -RoG-

It would seem that your classic peppermint sticks are going through some changes. Yes indeed, some companies are literally putting their candies right into candy canes. A simple, breath-freshening holiday treat no more... candy canes are back with a vengeance! Today I'd like to take a look at a selection of non-peppermint flavored candy canes that you've probably seen in the stores already, but were too afraid to try. Grow some jingle-balls why don't ya; it's candy for chrissakes, there's nothing to fear but diabetes fear itself!

mmm candy canes!

Chocolate + Candy Canes... together at last!

First we'll start off something that's an easy transition, Hershey's Chocolate Mint Candy Canes. They still have "mint" in them, so that's not too far from peppermint. But how do they taste? Pretty damned good, that's how. They may be mint, but you can still taste the chocolate in there and it definitely beats the typical peppermint flavor we're all used to. Even if you're not a fan of these chocolate mint candy canes, they include instructions on how to make a candy cane sled for you crafty people out there:

Good luck finding candy canes and chocolate bars big enough to actually support your body weight

Two candy canes, a Hershey bar and some ribbon is all it takes. Personally, I think I'd rather try my luck at making a Zagnut Toboggan or a Butterfinger Bobsled, but to each his own.

mmm candy canes!

They should be CHEWY! >:(

Don't let their classic candy cane look deceive you, these Starburst Strawberry Candy Canes are completely different. I'll admit, it's a bit weird putting something that looks like peppermint in your mouth and having it taste like strawberries, but once you get over that little hump, you'll realize these things are tasty as can be. Granted, they don't taste exactly like Starburst... not by any stretch, but they're still good. They're also slightly thicker than most of the other candy canes, so that's more bang for your buck, more gas for your truck, more... I don't know where I'm going with this. NEXT!

mmm candy canes!

Smoothie is a great word. Make a point to use it every day.

"Tis the season to be Jolly"?? Oh wait, I get it! HAHAH! IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE JOLLY RANCHER FLAVORED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! All hilarity aside, the Jolly Rancher Candy Canes take the fruit flavored treats one step further than Starburst by offering several flavors. Strawberry, mixed berry and watermelon are their "Bold Fruit Smoothie" flavors. I don't really know why they feel the need to throw the word "Smoothie" in there since this isn't a drink and the candy canes definitely don't remind me of a smoothie. Then again, smoothie is a word that should be a part of our everyday vernacular. "Say Bob, how are your stocks doing today?" "Why hey there Jim, they're smoothie, thanks for asking!" It could happen. It should happen.

Anyway, in regards to the candy cane flavors, I gotta say the Strawberry ones are better than the Starburst ones. It's not such a strong overpowering flavor, just the right amount o' strawberry, plus they smell extremely good. The Mixed Berry flavor I'm not a fan of, it just seems like they threw a bunch of berry flavors together hoping that it would end up tasting good, but instead they ended up with an extremely bland candy cane. Watermelon canes taste a lot like watermelon, which is a good thing... if you like watermelon. I don't, so those canes can go straight to hell for all I care. All in all, I'd like to see them release a box of just the strawberry flavored ones alone. They may not taste like Jolly Ranchers, but they're still scrumdidleyumptious in my book

mmm candy canes!

Say buddy, care for a delicious pineapple or watermelon Life Savers candy? PLEASE TAKE IT!

The Life Savers Candy Canes bump up the variety of flavors to five with cherry, watermelon, orange, pineapple and raspberry. If you're like me, the only flavor in a pack of lifesavers you ever cared about were the cherry ones. All the other flavors were the ones you'd give to your friends to make it seem like you were a real generous person, when in reality, you're just an asshole trying to get rid of some crappy flavored candies that you wouldn't dare allow go near your taste buds. But what about these candy canes?

I gotta say I'm impressed with these because they taste almost exactly like regular Life Savers candies, especially when you consider how most of the non-traditional candy cane brands don't even taste like the products they're supposed to be based on. As far as which flavor is the best, I'd have to give my vote to raspberry, with cherry as the runner-up. The rest of the flavors are just like I said: boring and something you'd want to give away so that you could get to the next good flavor in the pack. Fortunately with the candy canes, you can have any flavor you want right away instead of having to wait for somebody to finish the other bad flavors first.

mmm candy canes!


Next up we have Sweet Tarts Candy Canes which come in three flavors - green apple, cherry and blue punch. I'm not sure why they didn't call it blue raspberry or something more typical, but I gotta say, I like the sound of blue punch. Sure, blue cockpunch would be even better, but I can still dig the blue punch title. Even the pictures on the sticker suggest that it's shrouded with mystery. Green apple shows an apple, cherry shows some cherries... but blue punch? It just shows some random blue blob that could very well be hell-bent on wrecking your world. Ah the mystery of blue... punch.

You really just can't go wrong with a pack o' Sweet Tarts, can you? Well, I'm happy to report that they're all pretty good. I'm even happier to report that Blue Punch is the best of the flavors, and I'm not just saying that because it has the best name, it's really just the best. Plus, it stains the hell of out your tongue so it deserves all of the awe and respect that you can muster.

mmm candy canes!


Spree. Spreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Spreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Other than Zagnut, Spree might be the most entertaining candy name to pronounce. And now they come in the form of Spree Candy Canes, complete with a "flavor kick" in the center. Perhaps this "flavor kick" should take on the "blue punch" in an all out brawl for candy cane supremacy. My money's still on the blue punch.

There's no variety of flavors in this pack, it's all the flavors mixed together on each candy cane. And just like regular spree candies, the outside is a mild flavor, while the center is more tart, but it's a bit of a let down. Not nearly as tart or sweet as the real Spree candies, and considering the label claims that the center is "a kick in the mouth!" that's pretty sad. Damnit, I want to like these a lot because I love Spree, but it's just not happening. Blue Punch... do your worst.

mmm candy canes!

Gobbling Gobstopper Goodness!

Yes! Everlasting Gobstoppers are among my favorite Wonka brand candies and now they come in candy cane form. What's more, they stand out from the rest of the candy cane packs because these canes are all solid colors. Right on, Gobstoppers, show those striped candy cane bastards who's boss with your solid Xmas colors! And just like real Gobstoppers, they change colors and flavors as you continue to eat 'em. But the big question is whether or not they live up to the deliciousness of the original candies?

You're damned right they do. I would've driven to the factory where they made these things and set all the employees on fire if they didn't. You do NOT screw around with my Gobstoppers, got it? Good. Sure, they're not as "everlasting" as regular Gobstoppers since they're much thinner, but the same basic flavors are there, so all is still right with the world.

mmm candy canes!

Alrighty, that's all the new flavors I've come across in the stores so far this year, but if you spot any other Candy Canes flavors that I haven't covered, be sure to drop me an email and let me know! And no, just because a box has Mickey Mouse on it, that doesn't mean it's a new flavor. That just means they're trying to make the typical peppermint flavored candy canes seem more exciting than they really are and there's no need for me to review those because you already know what peppermint tastes like. And if you don't, please stay the hell away from me... freak.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email -RoG-

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