Choosing Your Christmas Tree Ornaments!
by: Protoclown

There are as many different kinds of Christmas ornaments out there as there are stars in the sky, so trying to pick and choose what ornaments you want adorning your tree can be quite a conundrum. If you're anything like my family, you've decided years ago that decorating for Christmas is a pain in the ass not worth bothering with and the rest of the neighborhood will shun you like you're some kind of godless heathen Satanists, but for the sake of this article, let's assume you're not like them, and you do feel like wasting lots of time putting up decorations that will only come down in a couple weeks anyway.

If you're some kind of simple, boring yokel or artsy fartsy minimalist, perhaps you like to decorate your tree with the basic colored ball style of ornament:

Most people these days seem to prefer some kind of gimmick or themed ornaments, and there are certainly plenty of those to be found. Take for example this obnoxious pet-themed ornament here:

Yes, what could liven up a beagle owner's tree like an ornament that looks like a beagle (albeit made out of quilts)? Or maybe you can even commission an artist to paint an ornament adorned with one of your pets' cheerful faces (most artists charge more for painting a warm nostalgic haze around a once loved dead pet, so consider that before you buy).

Perhaps you're a cat owner who just happens to love your cat. Why not get this to show your cat how much you care?

Maybe you're the kind of person who has trouble expressing your feelings, so you get this ornament and believe me, your cat will know how you feel.

If you don't want to stray too far from the basic "ball" ornament style, maybe you can at least spice things up a bit by offering up ad space to vary the visual landscape of your tree.

You can also show everyone what a corporate tool you are by featuring all your favorite companies. Maybe you can even call said companies and demand that they pay for the ad space. Who knows, you might get lucky.

Are you a geek? Then these comic book superhero ornaments might be right up your alley! Protect your tree from secular, godless America's attacks on Christmas with the Justice League!

Why are there two Batmans? He's just that vigilant, that's why! One Batman cannot possibly contain all his seriousness about keeping the "Christ" in Christmas!

More of a Marvel fan? Well here you go!

Of course, they look more like car air fresheners than ornaments, but at least your whole house won't stink when your cat decides to use the base of your tree as its new litter box. But look how realistic they look! It's like someone literally cut them right out of a comic book and then actually somehow sold them for money.

Say you don't celebrate Christmas, but you choose to honor the Wookiee Life Day or whatever kind of shit Klingons celebrate instead. Then odds are you don't have a Christmas tree. But if you do:

Of course, if you can find an ornament of Luke and Vader dueling from Return of the Jedi, that'd be even better because the red and green lightsabers are Christmas colors.

If you're in no danger of having any girls come over, then hang this one up without shame:

Are you some kind of America loving America lover? Show your patriotism with this ornament:

Nothing says Christmas like American flags, because we all know that Christmas is an American holiday that originated in the US of A, and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they're obviously a pinko, terrorist, communist, or educated.

If you're some kind of redneck who loves NASCAR, then you're probably not reading this so much as looking at the pictures, but maybe this little bear sporting the number of your favorite NASCAR racers is right up your alley. And when the Christmas season is over, you can proudly display this little guy on the wall next to your commemorative NASCAR plate collection you ordered off that there tellervision. Yeehaw!

Are you a horrible racist? Then have I got the ornament for you!

Yes, that's a Hitler Youth. And no, I couldn't believe it existed either.

Do you like cartoon characters that are somehow meant to be sexy but only the sickest, most disturbed fucks in the world would find sexy? Or are you a sick, disturbed fuck? Then you may get some kind of thrill out of this Betty Boop ornament.

If you're an Elvis fan, there are plenty of ornaments to suit your style.

Plenty of other musical acts are represented in ornament form as well, and if you happen to like bands such as Nickelback or Linkin Park, you can make your own ornament by taping a piece of shit to a string.

If you're worried that your tree's not manly enough, never fear! John Wayne will up the testosterone level so fast, your other ornaments will be drinking whiskey and smoking cigars in no time!

If you have kids, you might want to represent some of the Christmas cartoons that you'll be forced to watch dozens and dozens of times.

Which will certainly make you feel a lot of kinship with this particular character:

If you're a middle aged housewife, you might enjoy these gay angels, but more importantly what the fuck are you doing reading I-Mockery? You're not exactly our target audience, but hey, welcome aboard!

Oh, and if you have kids, another thing: you'll inevitably be forced to adorn your tree with some kind of homemade abomination at some point, but that's okay, because that's why when God invented Christmas trees, he invented backsides to go with them, so all those crappy ornaments would have a place to go and never be seen again.

I don't even know what's going on here.

I'm not even going to try to guess what the fuck this is about. But if you want a good conversation piece, well, this isn't it. But if you want a mediocre conversation piece, this might be just the thing you've been looking for.

One good way to score points with your significant other is with one of these stupid, crappy, sappy ornaments.

You know, just to show you care. You may also get a bonus present on Christmas Night if you know what I'm saying, and I think you do. Maybe you'll have a "stocking stuffer" of your own, and I'll let you decide how sick you want that to be, because I don't really want to think about it.

If you like candy, you may like putting up candy cane ornaments, which are conveniently hook shaped. Although you're better off using real candy canes and just devouring them after Christmas is over (or recycling them for next Halloween).

Though I don't think it's actually supposed to be him, this ornament made me think of Hypnotoad, so I just had to share it.

You can't say no to Hypnotoad.

If you're a girl who enjoyed My Little Pony, or some kind of immense pervert, you may enjoy these ornaments of gaily colored ponies fucking Christmas trees and snowmen.

My favorite kinds of ornaments are the ones that acknowledge some other holiday than Christmas.

It's like they're saying "Hey, fuck you, Christmas" and there's something about that I find endearing.

So there, I've given you all kinds of great examples of how you can bedeck your Christmas tree this year. I of course have no ornaments at all, because in continuing my policy of absolute laziness, I haven't actually decorated for Christmas in years. But hell, if you're gonna bother with it at all, you may as well do it in style.

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Make Your Own Damned Ornaments!
I-Mockery Shows You How To
Make Your Own Damned Ornaments!

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