Let me preface this fiasco by stating that I scantily
prepared for the venture. My brother called me up on Saturday to ask if I
wanted to go to Comic-Con on Sunday. I was undecided until that morning
when he offered to cover the $15 entry fee and buy me a
for lunch.. I’ll try to keep the writing part brief that way we can
get straight to the photos, but I feel that a little explanation is in
order as some of what happened can't be explained solely by the pictures.
Bear with me… brevity is not my forte.
I wanted to get autographs and pictures with artists.
I wanted to get kneed in the balls by a Storm Trooper. I wanted to be put
in a headlock by some broad wearing next to nothing. I wanted to piss off
On the way out my house I grabbed a copy of Marvel's comic Quasar #1,
which is probably the gayest comic ever. It would take the homocake at the
Convention Of Homo Comics (COHC)... And it's not even intentionally gay.
Unfortunately, I didn't have the chance to use the comic at the convention.
I doubt the artist would have been at Comic-Con. I think Stan Lee decided to euthanize whoever was behind the idea of that comic
anyway. I don't know why I
even brought it up.
I grabbed one of my favorite DVD's; Teen Wolf, and I grabbed a Star
action figure. The black guy with the giant visor? Yeah,
him. I was hoping to find the one black guy at Comic-Con and show him my
toy. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so lonely.
I'm no stranger to conventions. I do conventions like Richard Gere
does Gerbils. I GREASE THEM LIGHTLY THEN ROLL THEM AROUND THEM IN MY ASS!
No, I'm kidding. The convention could never manage to get through the
veritable Hair Forest between Thine Cheeks.
So I've been to a few before, but none of them get my browneye a'
winkin' like Comic-Con - the largest Comic Book themed convention of them
all. As I was walking up to the convention center with my brother I
immediately started seeing freaks. Fat girls dressed up like Chun Li.
Skinny guys dressed up like Agents from the Matrix. Beautiful women
dressed up like Gimli. The irony!
The amount of women walking around wearing next-to-nothing was
startling. They were mostly bitter-beer faced bitches, though. They would
flaunt thongs, fishnet stockings and a perfect rack, but when they'd turn
to look at me it was like the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. My back
against the wall I screamed, "DON'T LOOK AT THE BUTTERFACE! DON'T OPEN
YOUR EYES!" And like that, the Chinese guy standing next to me melted from
fixating on her hideous visage. All that was left was a puddle of sopping
curd, giant bifocals, a Simpson's Lunchbox and a copy of some obscure
comic about a Big Tittied School Girl who's panties were constantly
wrapped around her ankles.
With an estimated audience at around 60,000 attendees, I was merely a
needle in a
nerdstack. And despite a large number of zits, which, if
simultaneously popped could propel Earth to a new solar system, there were
a few notable personalities at Comic-Con. Uhhh... Wait, no there were not.
“I heard Kevin Smith is here!” someone said. Nothing thrills me more
than a bunch Kevin Smith freaks! "OMG OMG! Chasing Amy revolutionized blah
blah blah and there was more to Dogma than blah blah but Mallrats showed
titties blah blah." He was right. Mallrats was the best one. (editor's
note: Actually, no it was "Clerks", asshole.)
Hopefully the following pictures give you an idea of how low I had to
sink in order to get some material.
I turned to a Bounty Hunter and told him that his
line of action figure is probably the most common and least sought-after
of all Star Wars toys. I also said that the buns in Leia’s hair had a
touch of The Force which is why she let Luke hit it doggystyle over an
Ewok urinal in a Village tree while Han Solo was rimming C3PO. "What?
NOOOOOOO!" P.S. I think that was Protoclown under the mask.
So I'm just chillin' with my thumb up my ass when
homeboy Levar Burton The Star Trek Action Figure starts to hump on
some Trekkie's arm like he was humping for world peace and shit. I think
she liked it 'cause she asked me if he came with batteries.
McClain: Dude, you totally just humped
Cameron Diaz's arm.
Levar Burton: Hell yeah! Don't you know?
Once you go black you never go back.
McClain: Hey, how come you
don't wear this outfit on Reading Rainbow?
Levar Burton: Don't
player hate, foo'.
McClain: "Butterfly in the sky. I can go
twice as high! Take a look! *dah dah* It's in a book! *dah dah* A READING
Levar Burton: Fuck you honkey. That song was
written by a white man!
Naturally The Cracker (a.k.a. tha' man) had to slap
Big Dong Levar some skin for gettin' up in those guts like a champ.
After Levar showed that Trekkie lady his Ebony
Rythym Stick, I caught a gentleman watching the LOTR3 preview. I stopped
him and tried to explain the importance of Teen Wolf starring Michael J.
Fox (was he ever!) and how it paved the way for movies like LOTR. "You
know. Because the transitional scenes as he goes from geeky teen to a
man/canine that surfs on a van, scratches girls on the back in closets and
bites holes in root beer cans. WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BONE BOOF IN THE CLOSET
ANYWAY? HUH?! AND SINCE WHEN WAS IT ACCEPTABLE FOR CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS TO
I was glancing at some of the overpriced shit at the
ViewAskew (bless you) booth when I noticed this Kevin Smith wannabe. So I
did what any other cynical bastard would do; I grabbed the closest photo
of K. Smith and did a facial comparison. Yeah, I see what's going on here.
You finally moved out of Mom's basement, got a job opening boxes of flyers
for View Askew at a road show and now you're trying to look like Kevin
Smith so that maybe someone will think you're him. Well, you're not
fooling me asshole! I could tell right away that you weren't Kevin Smith
because the first words out of your mouth were, "What are you doing?"
KEVIN SMITH DOESN'T TALK, REMEMBER DUMMY!?
Seriously. I walked up to these two crazy broads and
asked them if they could make a man out of me at Comic-Con. (It's a
scientific fact that one actually becomes less of a man at comic
book conventions) The one with the funny shit on her head (a can of noodle
soup painted black) put me in a headlock while the other one spanked me
with her whip. There are 1,509 nerds jerking off to that idea right now.
(editor's note: Yes, McClain is one of them.)
One of the highlights was meeting Stan Sakai, artist
of the Usagi Yojimbo line of comics. He was a helluva guy and was more
than willing to pose for a picture. I have nothing bad to say about this
man (out of fear a samurai rabbit will decapitate me).
He may look happy and welcoming, but he'll slice off your head in a
I was feeling frisky after my encounter with Stan,
so I opted to do something carnal to a purely callow childhood figure. I
whacked a Pokemon on its fuzzy little groin. I almost got thrown out, too,
because I had to shove a bunch of kids out of my way for the photo shoot.
The last thing I wanted was a picture of me grabbing Pikachu's nuts with
little children in the frame.
My brother just barely caught this one. A storm
trooper saw what I did and decided to take action. I had been waiting for
this moment since I arrived. My gnads are still swollen. And large.
Extremely large like a grapefruit. A hairy grapefruit? Yeah.
There were a few rooms where notable personalities
in the comic world (declared losers in every other facet) opened
themselves up for questioning. "Excuse me? Could you please tone it down a
little? I'm trying to sleep."
After my nap I meandered back to the main floor and
stumbled upon the Penny Arcade booth. We got to talking about this and
that. Gabe mentioned something about how funny he thought I was and how
he's such a huge fan of I-Mockery. "I should be getting your autograph!"
he said. Damn right. His bald bodyguard didn't say much. Just kind of
stared at me with that smoldering look in his eyes. (editor's note: That's
"Tycho" from Penny Arcade, Watson. Sheesh...)
The truth is, when I told ol' Gabe (who didn't seem to
be very happy at the moment) to make something for I-Mockery dot com, he
said, "Who?" THANKS PENNY ARCADE!
note: I-Mockery going to try to get a booth at the 2004
Comic-Con. More news on that later.
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