Features

Crying With The Women Of Comic-Con!
by: Max Burbank

A number of months ago I attended the 2009 Comi-Con in San Diego. I went to the convention in my professional capacity as a writer for I-Mockery.com, intending to view the phenomena with a dispassionate, journalistic eye. In this I failed. From almost the first instant setting foot upon the conventional hall floor, I was utterly overwhelmed. I had a similar experience visiting the Grand Canyon. Both were simply too vast for my sensory abilities to take in and translate. I felt as if I were a single barrel, a bit of ballast cast from a ship into a stormy sea, torn this way and that amidst racing mountains of Ocean, but instead of water, Geeks. Racing, raging walls and mountains and valleys of Geeks and their accoutrements. Tossed at sea as I was, my memories are for the most part fractured bits and pieces, a kaleidoscopic scattering of disjointed instants. Fortunately for prosperity and the questionable delight of you all, photographers were present to capture what my poor overburdened mind could not, and as I share them with you, perhaps you will see certain themes arise that were beyond my grasp. There in lies the beauty of our relationship, that from my scattered meanderings you may see a pattern, as the ancient seers saw constellations where most saw only a scattering of stars.

Honestly, I was pretty stressed out and jet lagged when I took a photo with this Wonder Woman. She was very nice and very pretty, and something about the encounter right off the bat with such an iconic image pushed some kind of button with me and I bust out crying. I don't know what to say except that I was already feeling overwhelmed and a little fragile, and this just pushed me right over into tears.

Wow. Elektra. Maybe that doesn't mean a lot to you guys, the characters been dead and back from the dead and good and evil and a skrull. Basically, she's been very badly handled by a lot of bad writers. But I'm old enough to recall buying the original Frank Miller run on the stands, back before marvel would kill anybody just as a publicity thing. When he killed her off that first time... well, the emotional impact was incalculable. Recalling it, I wept openly.

This elf girl or whatever she is represents a big phenomenon for me at Comi-Con, ie: characters where I didn't know who they were supposed to be. Manga? Video game? Peter Pan? She knows, she put a lot of thought and effort and money into her costume, not to mention the cost of the tickets. What am I going to do, just come right out and SAY I don't know who she is? So, I ended up getting totally flustered and I cried a little.

Rogue. What a great costume. What a great character! Tragic, right? So strong, but she can't be touched. She's totally denied a fundamental human need. Imagine it! And yet, she's a hero. If you think about it for a moment, you'll start crying too. I'm not ashamed.

This was out on the street and I was looking for somewhere to have lunch, and it's like 1:00 in the afternoon which is a whole hour past my lunch time and I was cranky and hot and when I saw this chick in a food costume, I cried, ok? It's just the way I am. I have to eat on schedule or I flip out, it's a blood sugar thing.

You know what, screw you guys. I HOPE I look that good at her age. Super GIRL okay? Say it loud, say it proud. She had spirit and she was beautiful. I cried.

I was totally fine until this cat girl kicked me in the nuts. Who saw that coming? Not me. I cried.

This young lady was her own patented character, Heroine. She was fit, attractive, and totally serious about being a real, costumed hero. Scared the crap out of me, if you want the truth. I bawled like a baby. It was embarrassing.

This cat girl was really sweet to me, unlike that other, nut kicking cat girl. It really taught me you can't judge someone for being a cat girl. I learned something about tolerance, and yes, okay, I cried. Look, I was touched, what's the big deal?

I don't know if this photo conveys how absolutely flat out gorgeous these two steam punk chicks were. I'm like, 47, married, somewhat overweight. Yeah, I cried. You will too some day, for the same reason. You think you won't but you will and if you don't want to, you better die young.

Is this little water bender cute as a button or what? Look at that smile. It really made me miss my daughters back home. Then right as the picture was taken, my diverticulitis flared up and the camera caught me crying.

Wonder Woman. Phewsh. It's not even that good of a costume really, but just the way I'm wired, it got the old waterworks going, you know what I mean? It's gotta have something to do withy growing up in the Seventies. That Lynda Carter. RrrrrOWF. YOWZA.

Shadowcat is one of the VERY few Jewish superheroes out there. Why? Anti-Semitism. And THAT, friends, is a very unkind cut which quite frankly makes me cry a little bit.

What the HELL man? Who's supposed to be able to take this kind of shit? Oh, I cried all right. And not just a little!

Very pretty chick Freddy Krueger. I was frightened, titillated and gender confused all at once, and yes, I cried. All I can say was I got confused and disoriented and I may have teared up a little.

I don't even think this shot ought to be in here, this girl is a professional model advertising a game that isn't even out yet, and the fact is I was already crying when she came over to me. I'd just found out a bottle of water at Comic-Con was four bucks, and I was thirsty. I tried to pull it together for the shot, but come on, four bucks? I think that's friggin' outrageous.

I'm not certain this lady even knows who Wonder Woman is. I was crying about how little material went into her shorts. Seriously. That's a public health issue.

I don't know what the hell happened here. I had my shit totally together, then right before the camera goes off, POW! I started weeping like a Japanese schoolgirl.

Jesus. Ditto with this Psylocke. I think I may have still been crying over that Powergirl. Something about these vital young women just really put me in touch with the powerless, futile side of myself. Who knew?

C'mon! She's DEATH for Christ's sake! What do you want?

She was so pretty and then you look at those evil, evil eyes and all you can think about is everything you've never done and you never will. It's enough to make a person cry.

Okay, this Cat Woman was far and away the best costume in the entire joint. Professional, slick, flirty, dangerous, believable; she totally carried it off without the faintest air of desperation or patheticness that somehow clings to ventures like Comi-Con no matter how much money, time and energy gets poured into them. She was what everything at the convention wanted to be and generally fell tragically, humanly short of. Did I cry? You bet I did.

Okay. Helena Bottom Carter in Sweeney Todd. Not very comic booky, but cannibalism makes me cry every time.

There are many more Crying Comic-Con pics to see!
Click here to continue onward to page 2!

 

Reader Comments

OH GOD
Nov 9th, 2009, 06:49 AM
oh sweet fancy lord jesus what a thing of beauty
Clap if you love Dynamo
Nov 9th, 2009, 09:18 AM
At least you got emotional release. So you have that going for you, which is nice.
Enginseer
Nov 9th, 2009, 09:51 AM
Could this be the new fetish that will soon be gaining popularity?
Forum Virgin
Nov 9th, 2009, 10:31 AM
It's ok that you cried Max, you got a bit emotional with all beauty of it. As a woman its ok for me to cry, we do that some times, but as a man it was you saying "Thats right world, I was brought to tears and i dont care who knows about it." It means you have balls Max, big balls.
Riot Control
Nov 9th, 2009, 12:01 PM
Fortunately, the kid Wonder Woman didn't kick you in the nuts too.
Amicable Herculean
Nov 9th, 2009, 12:10 PM
Amazing. I'll never look at comic-con the same way again.
Forum Virgin
Nov 9th, 2009, 02:07 PM
the green lantern's hairy eyeball is classic

and the fact that firefly got canceled should be enough to bring anybody to tears
after enough bourbon ...
Nov 9th, 2009, 03:14 PM
Sweet Jesus. How did you make it out alive, Max?
aint nobody
Nov 9th, 2009, 04:18 PM
oooo,Shelly Martinez as Wonder Woman
was never good
Nov 9th, 2009, 04:27 PM
oh god i have that same exact house of voodoo shirt, but in color.
i cried because of that.
Sam Sam is offline
The Unicorn
Nov 9th, 2009, 05:14 PM
I'm glad I'm not the only person who knew that Wonder Woman was Shelly Martinez
Sloth, PhD
Nov 9th, 2009, 06:09 PM
Welcome to every day of my life...
Forum Virgin
Nov 9th, 2009, 07:19 PM
Firefly and Angel were definitely cancelled way too early.
The Goddamned Batman
Nov 9th, 2009, 08:05 PM
I've been waiting to see this thing for months. It didn't disappoint. I got a little teary-eyed about it, I don't mind telling ya.
after enough bourbon ...
Nov 9th, 2009, 09:03 PM
My one and two year olds were playing their favorite game - dueling hissy fits - while mommy is away on business. My face resembled yours in photo #14.
I hate this hacker crap!
Nov 9th, 2009, 09:21 PM
"I'd just found out a bottle of water at Comic-Con was four bucks, and I was thirsty."



This whole article makes me sad and laugh
Stuff
Nov 9th, 2009, 09:42 PM
This is beautiful.
An Arizona Horror Company
Nov 9th, 2009, 11:13 PM
Holy hell this is awesome. Max, I've always loved your rants and essays and reviews-gone-insane-and-shot-to-hell, but a photo essay from you is flash-fried and flavor-injected with awesome. More, please, more more more!

And as far as the costumes go....Catwoman and Mrs. Lovett FTW.
Basement Monkey
Nov 9th, 2009, 11:15 PM
Funny stuff Max I loved it.
Fanboy
Nov 10th, 2009, 12:28 AM
I weep with you. Truly. Some of the costumes induced a paroxysm of sheer lachrymosity.

And you never saw the Batgirl flashback on BoP, Max? Look it up on Youtube, that'll cheer you no end.
Member
Nov 10th, 2009, 12:30 AM
Excellent collection of pics, Max! I think the only comment that I have is that the gal you thought was Baroness was (unless they wigged with her more than I know in the movie) actually Magdelena, from Top Cow comics.
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Nov 10th, 2009, 12:39 AM
That last picture is easily my favorite.
taco loving zombie
Nov 10th, 2009, 01:27 AM
you have a really7 funny crying face max great pictures and article
grants but one wish
Nov 10th, 2009, 02:46 AM
it's been far too long max!
The best...around
Nov 10th, 2009, 12:49 PM
Howled with laughter. Move over lolcats, it's time for crying with pretty women.
pickled
Nov 10th, 2009, 04:10 PM
That Princess Leia's arm fat would have made me cry too.
Member
Nov 11th, 2009, 03:28 PM
omg george wasn't lying when he told me about you.

I think this is the funniest thing I've read in a while.

Its okay to cry max, you don't have to explain yourself to us.

(but i'm glad you did)
pij pij is offline
Forum Virgin
Nov 11th, 2009, 04:44 PM
The fact that Max Burbank isn't a mega millionaire comedy superstar makes me cry.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Nov 11th, 2009, 05:25 PM
Yeah, I have the exact same reaction. Any of you all got any money I can have?
Forum Virgin
Nov 12th, 2009, 12:00 AM
I thought that "own patented character" chick was Nina from Tekken. But I guess not.
Smooth Operator
Nov 12th, 2009, 03:10 PM
Jesus Christ Max, I've missed you're writing. In fact I'm not afraid to admit that I laughed so hard that I cried.
Forum Virgin
Nov 12th, 2009, 05:34 PM
#19 is definitely my favorite! You do the same lower lip thing my girlfriend does when she starts crying!
i will let you down
Nov 12th, 2009, 10:38 PM
did you have fun in san diego?

thank you again for being the funniest person i admire.
Pickled Patriarch
Nov 13th, 2009, 02:16 AM
He didn't have fun at all. I spent a ton of money on getting this nice booth set up so we could all share our work with the public, and Max just sat there crying for all four and a half days. Talk about a total downer. Oh sure, he does this funny article showing him crying with the women of Comic-Con, but the truth is that he was crying the entire time.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Nov 13th, 2009, 09:09 AM
I have me some allergies.
OH GOD
Nov 13th, 2009, 07:31 PM
to happiness
Supa Soviet Missil Mastar
Nov 13th, 2009, 09:47 PM
I think I can see you laughing in a few of those.
Member
Nov 13th, 2009, 10:29 PM
Kitty Pryde was Jewish too! Huh? Remember? Sprite? Ah, ya damn kids with your music...
Master of Awesome Sauce!
Nov 16th, 2009, 12:41 AM
Uh... Kitty Pryde IS Shadowcat...

That said, Great Article Max!
Can't touch this
Nov 16th, 2009, 04:55 AM
I think the one picture is the young lady from Space Channel 5
GET OUT
Nov 17th, 2009, 12:29 PM
:D ;_;
Member
Nov 20th, 2009, 07:53 PM
Before I read the captions, I thought he was weeping about the stereotyping of women in popular culture or something.

Click here to return to the Features homepage