You open the Kung Fu lunchbox and…

...find yourself in a dark room illuminated only by a glowing brazier full of coals…

Knowing what you must do, you bare your wrists and advance toward it. Before you, the tiger and dragon brands of the ShaoLin glow white hot. You grit your teeth, and pressing your wrists into the brands, lift… lift…

The smell of burning long pork fills your nostrils and that hideous scream can only be coming from your own throat as you realize you are
a.) Way to weak to lift the brazier
And
b.) Going into shock from the third degree burns.

You tumble out the back door and into the snow as the veins in your wrists open all around the cauterized brands. As you die, the last thing you hear is the laughter of Master Po…

"Hey, Round eye Grasshopper… Mostly us priests get our dragons and tigers tattooed when we graduated, but, whatever…"

START OVER, DUFUS!