The eyeball in the urinal, the ominous message in fresh chocolate syrup on the ceiling, your urine soaked sandals… it all adds up to one thing! A stereotypical summer camp mystery! It's time for a little WWFD moment. (What Would Freddy Do? For the uninitiated.) And that not the Fake ass Freddy, Freddy Prinze Junior, either!

I mean, you can put a blond wig and an ascot on a friggin' hippo turd and that don't make it Freddy! Just because the greasy little no talent son of a bitch has the non-existence-of-God proving good fortune to be humping Buffy, does that somehow make him Freddy?! Just because his Daddy...

...blew his brains out are we supposed to feel so sorry for Freddy Prinze Junior that he gets to not only hump Buffy, he's FREDDY, TOO?! I MEAN JUST BECAUSE HIS NAME IS FREDDY DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM FREDDY!!

Oh, no, friends and neighbors, we're talking real, honest to goodness Frank Welker voiced Freddy!

The No Nonsense, down to earth, Mystery Inc. leadin', Scooby Snack dispensin' Slightly gay REAL Freddy who knew solving mysteries was more important than getting into Daphne's Purple Panties, and THAT Freddy, the non-Hispanic, pale skinned, sexually ambiguous Freddy would have said one thing and one thing only when an eyeball landed on his urinal cake.

"SPLIT UP AND LOOK FOR CLUES!"

Of course, Freddy had Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby, so splitting up wasn't lethal for them the way it is for you.

Because you have no friends. So when you split up, it kills you. Get it?

SORRY, PARTSY. START AGAIN.