Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
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"Okay, Mr. Smarty-pants mayor and assorted skeptical townspeople," You shout defensively, "How's about this all then? Come on down with me to the field where I saw the Alien Mothership land, why don't you? Unless you're… Scared!!"

It would have been really cool had there been a huge swell of ominous music like the one you just imagined, but this isn't a movie, it's just your sad, disappointing life.

"Oh, we shall certainly follow you all right!" Snaps Mayor Monocle snappishly. "But only on account of the entertainment value of publicly humiliating you. If there's anything I love more than feeling superior, it's pointing at a person with one hand and placing the other over my mouth whilst I giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl."

Nonplussed, you tramp across the picturesque town square, the Mayor and assorted townsfolk behind you. It gives you time to collect your thoughts and wonder what the word 'nonplussed' means. Boy oh boy, you can't wait to show that smart assed monocle-wearing Mayor the space ship. That'll shut his clam snatcher up but good! Of course if the Aliens use a heat ray and burn you all to a crisp like at the beginning of the good version of "War of the Worlds" that doesn't have Tom fucking Cruise in it, your feelings of triumph will be short lived and extra crispy. Tom Cruise really sucks ass, though. You hope he hasn't hurt Katy. You wonder if you took your ADD medication this morning. You think you probably didn't. But you've got larger, more embarrassing fish to fry.

As you crest the hill dramatically overlooking the field in which you saw the Mothership land, you can't help but notice it's… GONE! You hardly have time to hope against hope that it's 'gone' in the way that the cloaked Bird of Prey in "Star Trek IV: Spock gets a whale chubby" when it strikes you that while the terrifying eight bit graphic type Mothership is gone, where it had once been there is now… A GINORMOUS CROP CIRCLE!!

If only he had a hotel on them crop circles, he could charge a fortune to the tourists!

"This is bad," you quip, tersely, "Real Bad."

"Why?" asks the Mayor, "Because despite this crop circle, you look the fool because you said there was a ship here and instead we find this easily hoaxed grass pattern?"

"No." you respond forcefully. "Because this is like something out of the M. Knight Shamalamadingdong movie with Mel Gibson. And M Knight Alabamakingkong movies all got one thing in common, which is the twist ending. And I've never seen that one with Mel Gibson in it, and if you go try and look up a synopsis of an M. Knight Saladmastaringtone movie on the internet, they never ever tell you what happens at the end because revealing the twist ending of an M Knight Gassybastardshinbone is AGAINST THE LAW!!!"

It's suddenly so quiet you can hear the crickets packing their bags just prior to getting the fuck out of dodge.


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