Knowing of his strong
ties to scientology, you decide that pretending to be Xenu would be the
best way to get Tom to land the damned plane. So you make your best
attempt at an alien voice, which oddly enough, ends up sounding like Bea
Arthur after sucking the helium of of a balloon.
"TOM CRUISE OF
PLANET EARTH. I AM XENU. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME YOUR MONIES. NOW I COMMAND
YOU TO LAND THIS PLANE TO BE WELCOMED INTO THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL KINGDOM
OF XENU!"
Tom goes dead silent
for a moment, then a huge smile comes over his face, he puts on his
"cool dude" shades and says...
"IT'S XENU TIME!"
Eureka! You've fooled
this scientolidiot into believing you're his true leader and it appears as
though he's going to land the aircraft after all!
"I AM READY TO BE
ONE WITH YOU XENU!" he shouts.
"UM, YES, VERY GOOD
THEN. LAND THE PLANE AND IT SHALL BE DONE!" you reply.
"OH I'M GOING TO
LAND IT ALRIGHT!" He then shuts off the jets, "OUR BODIES AND
SOULS WILL BE PURIFIED IN A CLEANSING FIRE WHEN THIS PLANE HITS THE
GROUND! THEN WE WILL TRULY BE ONE ENERGY FORM, FREE TO WANDER THE GALAXY
FOREVER!"
You would try to stop
him, but it's already too late, the engines are off and you're on your
way down. The last thing you do is vomit all over
yourself as the plane plummets in a spin-cycle all the way to the earth
where you and your pal Tom Cruise are instantly incinerated.
