Who let the dogs out? No seriously, who the hell let them out? I buried all five of 'em in the back yard last month, and yet here they sit at my doorstep, begging for a bone. Why can't they eat each other's bones anyway? After all, that's all that's left of 'em at this point. I swear I... oh... heh... hello there. What's that you say? You're here for a story? Who the hell are you to come to my house and make demands of me!? HUH!? Well, since you've already dragged your muddy (and bloody) shoes in here and ruined my fine carpet, I might as well tell you a story. Last time, myself and the other I-Mockery staff members abducted your brains with another Halloween "Select Your Destiny" story, "Video Game Voodoo!" This year, we've got another story for ya. But this isn't gonna be one o' them fancypants stories where everything is hunky-dory and everybody is all starry-eyed 'n completely in love with one another. No. This here is gonna be a story that will make you wish you were never born so your life wasn't one long build-up to hearing about such an atrocity. Don't like the sound of it? Tough. You're in my house and I've locked all the doors and boarded up the windows, so sit down, shut up and listen!

For those of you who are unacquainted with these stories, allow me to give you a quick refresher on how these "Select Your Destiny" things work. YOU get to determine what happens to your character in the story. For example: if you choose to have your character "try to win a staring contest against the angry-looking swordfish" and it ends up killing you, it's your own damned fault for making such a stupid decision. If you haven't already read them, you might also want to check out some of our previous "Select Your Destiny" stories from yesteryear in our Halloween Collection.

This year, we've returned with a story so agonizingly brutal to your brain that it will cause you to feel claustrophobic in an open field on a beautiful summer day. Why did you volunteer for this? Do you enjoy anguish? Do you crave suffering? Is whistling while you work simply not enough to help you get through the day? Seriously, what's wrong with you!? You must be one of those truly screwed up people who thinks they can actually derive pleasure from pain. Well, if that's true, you're in for a whole lot of pleasure because this story jam-packed to the brim with pain! It's time for you to dive headfirst into our 2009 "Select Your Destiny" Halloween masterpiece...

Haunted Mansion Madness! Click to begin the story!



Reader Comments

Baron Von Snugglemittens
Oct 30th, 2009, 06:06 PM
yes! I've missed these! great stuff!
With More Yes Than Ever
Oct 30th, 2009, 06:06 PM
I was hoping that we would be blessed with such awesomeness!
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:36 PM
If I sleep in the nude, why am I wearing the same clothes I "rolled out of bed with in the morning"?
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:37 PM
"Doctor says he's got the diabetes, says that makes him hyperglycemic. Know what that is? Means he's got to get a lot of sugar in him all the time, or he'll get all listless and moody!"
One of the best Destiny Books so far.
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:39 PM
Of course there's also the issue of why I have toiletries when I didn't pack.

I'm still loving this. It doesn't need to make sense.
The Claw of Justice
Oct 30th, 2009, 10:28 PM
Just finished it...I haven't laughed this hard in a looooong time. Great work, guys!

Now I feel bad about my meat lips.
Funky Dynamite
Oct 30th, 2009, 10:53 PM
Originally Posted by Kat View Post
If I sleep in the nude, why am I wearing the same clothes I "rolled out of bed with in the morning"?
Two words: birthday suit.

Of course there's also the issue of why I have toiletries when I didn't pack.
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 30th, 2009, 11:37 PM
Wait a second, when you go back to your room after killing that monster, is that ghost from the "A Christmas Carol" movie starring Albert Finney as Scrooge called "Scrooge"?
I think it was a musical. My family watches it every year.
I hate this hacker crap!
Oct 31st, 2009, 12:26 AM
Haven't had time to get through my entire adventure yet, but it is amazing. Great job guys.
Space Cowboy
Oct 31st, 2009, 07:47 AM
I would like to propose that the sentence "He flails wildly about as you punch him in the hump." is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Kudos to you guys.
King of the Monsters
Nov 1st, 2009, 01:14 AM
what? no choice that ends with you getting your nuts destroyed??? :P

kidding aside, awesome work.
Almighty Samfucius
Nov 1st, 2009, 11:56 PM
I really hate to be a wet blanket, but as an actual type 1 diabetic, I'd just like to point out that too much insulin is the cause of a diabetic seizure, not at all the solution. The solution to hypoglycemia (what causes a seizure) is more sugar, and the way to deal with a seizure in progress is to give the person a glucagon shot, which is quite distinctive from an insulin shot.
The Goddamned Batman
Nov 2nd, 2009, 06:45 PM
You know that this story is supposed to be funny, full of teh jokes, and in no way educational or based on true events, right?
Funky Dynamite
Nov 3rd, 2009, 03:47 PM
I was just glad I could spell "diabetes" correctly after years of hearing those commercials with Wilford Brimley.
Forum Virgin
Nov 8th, 2009, 12:45 PM
so, is there a good ending? I think I went through all the choices and never saw one that I would think of as a happy ending for player.

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