America. A country that yearns for
glee. We want to be hap-hap-happy
all the friggin' time. So how can we possibly be happy all the time? Well,
we look for a thing called "closure" when it comes to any of the bad
things in our life. Right now they're out hunting for that Osama Bin Laden
because his capture/death will be "closure" for many of the families of the
September 11th attack victims. Well, I've never been big on the concept of
closure. I'm sentimental about everything, whether it was good or bad.
Unpaid parking tickets and bills? Sure it might be nice to have "closure" on
them, but I'd rather just keep them here and not pay them off. I'll enjoy
the sentimental feelings that swell up inside me when I look back on a
parking ticket from 5 years ago.
The moment I am referring to is of course when Duke ALMOST got killed. I don't think I've ever met a single person on earth that ever really liked Duke. I can't think of anything redeeming about Duke. In fact, you know what? I always have and always will hate Duke with a passion. Maybe he was just too much of a "whitebread goodie goodie" for my tastes. "Maybe there were better people suited to be the leader of the G.I. Joe forces. Maybe he was secretly operating an underground giraffe sex ring. Whatever my reason for hating him may be, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that he didn't die when he should have... when he was supposed to die! So allow me to recap the G.I. Joe movie for you to explain my disgust with Duke's near-death experience.
the G.I. Joe movie starts off with what is probably the best intro to a
movie you will EVER see: The huge battle that takes place on the Statue of
Liberty between G.I. Joe and Cobra! I can't even begin to count how many
times I've replayed just that intro alone! And the music, my god the music
was perfect! "Armies of the night, evil taking flight! COBRA (COBRAAAAAAAAA!)
COBRA! (COBRAAAAAAAAA!)" It doesn't get much better than that folks. So
with an amazing intro like that to start off the movie, we all knew we
were in for one hell of a time. Basically the movie is all about how
Cobra wants to get a hold of the "B.E.T." (Broadcast Energy Transmitter or
Black Entertainment Network? We may never know.) in order to ripen a bunch
of spores in outer space that could fall to earth and turn all of us into
mindless zombies. The kind of thing that seemed perfectly reasonable when
we were kids. Well, it still seems perfectly reasonable to me, but I've
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUKE IS DEAD!!!! RIGHT????? WRONG!!!!!!!!
Although Duke took a poisonous snake javelin RIGHT THROUGH HIS HEART, he is NOT dead. Apparently in the world of G.I. Joe, not only do soldiers fight with weapons that shoot pink lazers, but when you have a poisonous snake jammed through your heart... it doesn't kill you. It just puts you in a temporary coma. Great, that's just fuckin' great. I tell you what, you bring me the guy who did the voice for Duke (for all you trivia freaks who are dying to know, it was Michael Bell) and I will shove a poisonous snake directly through his heart and we'll see if he lives or goes into a coma. Do we have a deal?
And even if it wasn't a snake through the heart, if Duke and Serpentor just got in a fight, who do you think would win? Serpentor was the genetic product of some of the worlds most deadly people. Duke was probably the genetic product of his unemployed, white trash father on a lonely night with a little too much whiskey and an abused daughter. Serpentor clearly had the advantage here folks. Duke would have died one way or the other in the movie. Besides, any idiot that would take a snake in the heart for a hotshot jackass like Falcon DESERVES to die.
truth is, Duke was originally supposed to die. According to the
editor/writer Buzz Dixon: "We were aiming for a PG rating, and I finally
got permission from Hasbro to do something we had never done in the
series: Kill off a character. Since Duke and Lt. Falcon were going to be
revealed as half-brothers, and since Duke was being phased out of the toy
line, I decided to kill Duke off as the final impetus that turns Lt.
Falcon into a real Joe (Falcon, btw, was originally supposed to be General
Hawk's son). The scene was animated and, if you watch the visuals and
don't listen to the soundtrack, it's obvious Duke dies."*
*BLAM!* *BLAM!* *BLAM!*
HAS BEEN DONE. YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST.
Whew, that felt damned good. Now, on one last semi-unrelated side note, was it me or did the real-life Sgt. Slaughter not look NEARLY as buff as the one in the G.I. Joe cartoon? I'll let you decide for yourself...
WANT SOME MORE G.I. JOE HUMOR? NO PROBLEMO!
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