time again... time to blow off some steam by attacking some of most
idiotic and useless things in existence. So, onward with Things That Must Be
Destroyed: Part 3!
The Charmin Bears:
Let's get one thing straight. The last thing I want to see on TV is a commercial
about a bear that goes behind a tree to wipe his ass. That's NOT a
good way to get me to buy your product. I'm also pretty sure that
an ENTIRE PACK of Charmin toilet paper couldn't handle a massive
bear shit. Bears are huge, and I imagine their shit is too. You're
not selling the toilet paper to the fucking bears, and you're not
convincing us that your toilet paper is strong enough to handle
a mighty bear shit. So here's a suggestion, Charmin: SHUT UP. REMOVE THOSE
ASININE COMMERCIALS FROM TV AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. Why companies
feel the need to advertise necessities like toilet paper is beyond me
anyway. I just buy
the cheapest toilet paper I can find in the store.
Why? BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WIPE MY ASS ON IT! I don't need to spend
3 bucks on something that I'm going to WIPE MY ASS on. Idiots...
I'm using a drawing of her rather than a real photo simply because
I can't stand to look at her real face. And I use the world "real"
loosely, since about 5% of it is still real. People always talk
about Michael Jackson's facial modifications, but goddamn, Joan
Rivers puts him to shame as far as scary plastic surgery results
go. As if that's not bad enough, she's one of the most annoying
personalities in existence. I can't believe that people pay her to
comment on fashion and make "jokes". She is NOT funny, and if you've
seen some of the outfits that she's worn in the past, she's in no
place to criticize how others look. And now she's got her brainwashed
daughter working with her, following in her footsteps. So Joan
Rivers will basically live forever, cuz even after she dies, her
daughter will step up to the plate and be just as bad if not
worse. And then she'll have a daughter and so on and so forth...
the nightmare will never end. Oh, and don't forget ladies... now
you to can smell just like an acid facial peel with Joan Rivers
new fragrance that Joan calls "Now & Forever".
I shit you not.
Kraft's "It's Pasta Anytime":
When I saw a commercial for this stuff I knew two things right
away: 1) It would cost way too much to compete with Ramen Noodles
or Spaghetti-O's and 2) It would probably taste like crap. But, I did have a chance
to try it for a buck during lunch one day so I figured I'd give it a
shot before completely dismissing it. I mean, I've had
chocolate spaghetti before,
so how bad could this stuff really
be? Well, it wasn't as bad as chocolate spaghetti, but not many
things are. Still, the spaghetti sauce was absolute shit. A very
watered down, weak flavor that had "synthetic crap" written all over
it. Furthermore, to my shock there was NO CHEESE! Goddamnit,
everybody knows that if you're gonna eat spaghetti or pasta of any
kind for that matter, you've gotta have some cheese to sprinkle on
it! They didn't include any with it. So am I to believe that KRAFT
of all companies didn't have some extra cheese lying around the
factory that they could throw in
with these meal kits? No, I think I'm just going to believe that
they're cheap bastards.
The Listerine Guy:
Dear sweet bastard, how I loathe everything about this guy. If you
haven't seen the commercial, it basically chronicles the process of
this jackass who is trying to withstand the pain involved with
swishing Listerine in your mouth for a minute. The moronic facial
expressions he makes as he swishes are almost enough to make me take
a sledgehammer to my TV, but what's worse is how stupid the
Listerine people think we really are. If you look at his mouth while
he's supposedly swishing the Listerine around, it's completely
obvious that there's NOTHING in his mouth at all. He's just
acting... very, very badly. After he spits it out (which of course
they don't show) and his head comes back up, his lips aren't even
wet. So what's the message here? Apparently the message is that 1)
The Listerine people think we're all idiots who wouldn't notice that
the guy isn't swishing anything in his mouth and 2) Listerine is too
brutal for anybody to actually keep in their mouth, because if it
wasn't, then this guy wouldn't have a problem really doing it for
Ok, I'm pretty sure everybody has seen "The Osbournes". As funny
as Ozzy himself is, I cannot fucking stand his kids. His son is bad
enough, but his daughter Kelly just brings out a deep, dark, inner
rage that frankly scares me. Because she's Ozzy's lil' girl, not
only is she spoiled up the arse, but she now has her own music
video. She's "singing" Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach". Her voice? I'd
rather listen to a hyena slowly being run over by a steamroller
while Richard Simmons sings "The Macarena" in the background. Ooohh
Kelly, you're so rebellious singing a song like "Papa Don't Preach"
when your dad has given you a fucking dream life. But I'm sure that "punky"
look of yours will appeal to many other spoiled, angst-ridden teens
and you'll sell plenty of records anyway because kids can be
completely fucking stupid like that. They'll completely ignore the fact
that you were listening to Hanson and N*Sync not too long ago (and
probably still do). Ozzy, when you're done stuttering, I suggest
discussing the option of euthanasia with your daughter. Actually,
it's not an option. Just kill her and we'll still buy your records
and watch your show. Deal?
Cute Animal Posters:
I've always despised these things. They rank right up there with
those typical office motivational posters, only these ones include
the wretched element of "cuteness" with their message. I can't even
begin to count how many variations of the "Hang In There!" poster
I've seen. It's always some poor helpless animal that was
obviously forced by the photographer to cling for their lives onto a
tree branch or something. Isn't that the kind of crap the animal
rights people are supposed to be protecting the animals from? I
guess not. Actually, those frogs are kinda cute... Haha, look at the
lil' fella just hangin' on there! You can do it lil' fella! Don't
let go! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH@#(%*@#%@#%(*$**!%!!!! YOU SEE THAT!?!? LOOK WHAT
IT'S DOING TO ME!!! DESTROY THESE POSTERS THEY'RE PURE EVIL!!!!
The Verizon Wireless Commercials:
As if the Carrot Top 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials aren't horrible
enough, along come the Verizon wireless commercials in which they're
trying to convince us that they're doing everything they can to give
people the best reception on their cell phones. That's fine Verizon,
thanks for letting us know... but did you really have to make an
entire SERIES of commercials about it? If I see that fucking "Can
you hear me now?" guy one more time, I'm going to put a megaphone up
to his ear and say "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I CAN FUCKING HEAR
YOU!!!!!!!! NOW WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE!?!?" This actually brings up another question: who the hell is he talking
to on the other end of the line? That has to be the most horrible
job on earth. Just imagine it... listening to a guy go "Can you hear
me now?" all day long. I'd sooner take a job where my duty was to
lick the booths clean at a local peep show joint rather than listen to
that asshole all day long.
Mrs. Fields Cookies:
Now the reason I want these cookies to be destroyed isn't because
they taste like crap. No, no, no! It's because they taste too
goddamned GOOD! I recently got to try some of these tasty chocolate
chip cookies and I could not stop eating them. I was hooked on 'em
completely. But when I go to the store to buy them I find out that
they cost 3-4 bux just for 8 measly cookies. EIGHT! I hate it when
good food is way overpriced to the point where I can't buy it. I
mean, I could buy it, but who the hell could live with themselves if
they spent 4 bux on 8 measly cookies? Not I. Fuck you, Mrs. Fields,
and your addictive, overpriced, bastard cookies of doom!
I've never been a big fan of Pokémon myself, but I guess I can see
how kids could like 'em. But still, I can't help but think that kids
today are being completely cheated when the collecting cards they
have to choose from are ones of steroid-using superstars, Magic: The
Gathering, or friggin' Pokémon. Where are the "Garbage Pail Kids"
and "Wacky Packages", filled with twisted sticker-cards today?
They're on eBay, that's where. You ask a lil' kid if he likes
Garbage Pail Kids and a look of confusion will come over his face.
He won't know what the hell you're talking about. And it's all
because Pokémon cards are selling and nobody has had the foresight
to bring back the Garbage Pail Kids. And another thing... Garbage
Pail Kids? 50 cents a pack. Pokémon? I've seen 'em go from 5 - 10
bucks depending on what kind of pack you buy. I could buy a whole
BOX of Garbage Pail Kids cards back in the day for that much.
Honestly, do we really need checks anymore? It's a pain in the ass
to pay bills that way, because you have to fill out the check and
buy for stamps to mail it out. Also, if your handwriting is as bad
as mine, chances are you have worries that the billing department
might interpret your crude writing incorrectly and all of a sudden
you're $10,000 in debt. And finally, more and more people are paying
their bills over the phone or online via credit card. So really,
let's all just save our checks for one of those days when we're
running low on toilet paper (see Charmin? We can even use checks!). Works for me.
"Girl Don't..." Lyricists:
If there's one thing the music industry could do without (besides
bands that don't know when to call it quits), it's "artists" that
constantly write lyrics that involve the infamous "girl don't
[insert verb here]" phrase. You know what I'm talking about.
Bullshit like "Girl don't go" or "Girl don't cry" or "Girl don't
eat" or "Girl don't come to my house with a semi-automatic weapon
because I'm a fucking moron that can't just say your actual
goddamned name just once in my amazingly uncreative, shitty song."
Early Bidders on eBay:
What the fuck is wrong with you people? I know you're excited
about the crap you're bidding on, but it's completely asinine to bid
on something when there's 5 days left on the auction. The only thing
you're accomplishing by bidding that early is hiking up the final
selling price. Tell you what, since you obviously want to pay more
for anything you buy, go ahead and make a list of everything you
want. Then send that list to me, I'll get all of it for you and then
charge you 5 times as much for it. You'll get everything you want
and I'll retire young. Sound good? Jackass...
The Dell Kid:
Now I know this one is an obvious choice, but even so, I wouldn't
be able to live with myself if I let this bastard off the hook. How
many times a day must we hear, "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!"?
Listen asshole, I'm
not getting a Dell. I can build a much better custom PC computer for
less, and even if I couldn't, I still wouldn't buy a Dell. Why?
Because there's a remote chance that my buying their computers would
make them think that this stupid ad campaign of theirs was actually
a good idea.
Somebody beat this man. Somebody beat this man with a stick.
Somebody beat him with a big gay stick that makes him gay. A big gay
stick that makes him become so gay that he will become president of
"Big Gay Stick, Inc." and he'll sell the said sticks to other people who
want to beat somebody until they become gay. And then those people
will return the big gay sticks to Pat because they realized that
there isn't anybody else on earth who has said as much stupid
ignorant shit about homosexuals as him.
Crown Theatre's Movie Intro Animation:
Anybody who has been to a Crown movie theatre (or any movie
theatre really) has seen the crappy intro animations that appear
before the movie. They tell you not to talk, not to smoke, and to
throw your trash away in the proper receptacle. And while they're
telling you all that, you're telling yourself, "Why the fuck am I
being told all of this while they show me 3D animation that looks
like it was created over 20 years ago?" Crown Theatres in particular
have a really bad intro that features a lion wearing, you guessed
it... a crown! He dances along while the world's most horrible theme
song plays in the background: "I keep working my way back to you
Crown! You Crown! YOU CROWN!" Mark my words, these horrible movie
intro animations will soon meet their demise. And the demise will
involve a large steel drum filled with every remaining reel of film
that contains these crappy intros. We will all then take turns
pissing in this drum, and once it is filled, it will be sealed and
then tossed into an active volcano.
"Open 24 Hours" my ass. Half of the Kinko's around here close way
too early even though they're supposed to be open 24 hours. There's
a Kinko's in Norwalk, CT that has a huge fancy sign that obviously
cost hundreds of dollars to make that says "KINKO'S - OPEN 24
HOURS". But when you walk up to the door, it states that this
particular branch is only
open until about 10pm each day. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Am I
really supposed to trust these idiots with my printing needs? No.
And you can't even go in there and do the prints yourself on their
computers without spending a fortune. Why? Because they use
computers that are so slow that it takes forever just to load up
even the most basic print job. And of course, the more time you spend on the
computers, the more money you have to pay. I'd be willing to bet
money that they do everything in their power to make those computers slower on purpose.
I'm not exactly sure what it is about a product like Go-Gurt that
makes me feel it is inherently wrong. All I know is that this shit
is disturbing. Yogurt alone is something I tend to stay away from.
But when you put yogurt in a squeezable pouch, the combination is
like a tool of Satan. Then again, this is coming from a guy who just
the other day saw blue french fries in the frozen foods section and
was determined to try them. I guess we've all got our little things
that we prefer to steer clear of. For some people it's feet, for
others it's porcupines... for me it's Go-Gurt.
It's not bad enough that she's getting more money than most small
countries have from an old dead guy who was so far gone that he
actually thought she was beautiful enough to be worth that much
money. It's not bad enough that all that money won't be given to
charities or good causes, but instead to the official Anna Nicole,
"How many bon-bon's will I have to shove down my fucking throat
during one sitting in order to make my ass 5 feet wider?"
foundation. Nope, now they're giving this drugged out, ugly beast a
"Reality TV" show of her own. If you don't have the urge to drive to
California and harpoon the whale woman from hell after watching 1
minute of her shitty show, then get the hell off my site. You don't
belong here. And while we're on the subject of the show; who the
hell drew that cartoon version of her? That's pretty much the EXACT
opposite of how she's looking these days. You know, I've seen some
people that were completely gone in my day, but Anna takes
the cake. And that cake has obviously been digested and turned into
even more body fat.
This game needs to be destroyed not only because there are a
million better games out there, but it also brings out the inner
in some people. And this time, I don't mean
in a good way. Myself and other people I know have lost friends for
a while to this stupid game. We wouldn't hear from them for months
while rumors of their playing this game 24/7 continued to circulate.
I even heard that one guy was so addicted to the game that he didn't
want to get up and piss. So what did he do? He grabbed a nearby 7-11
Big Gulp cup and pissed in it so that he wouldn't miss out on 30
seconds of game play. Ok, so maybe it's not the game itself that
needs to be destroyed, but instead we kill any loser who refuses to
use a restroom.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers:
I just want them to shut up. I was never a big fan of the band to
begin with, but now they must be destroyed. Why? Because, in a
recent interview with Q magazine, guitarist John Frusciante, spoke
the following of the Twin Towers tragedy: "During the making of this
record we had the catastrophe at the Empire State Building and we
just kept on writing." That's right folks, he said the EMPIRE
STATE BUILDING. So either a bunch of puppies and kittens were
secretly murdered in the basement of the Empire State Building on
the same day as the Twin Towers tragedy, or John is a complete
idiot. Yo Keith Richards, it looks like you've finally met your
So there you have it.
This concludes Part 3 of "Things That Must Be Destroyed". Keep a
look out for Part 4 sometime in the future. Is there something that YOU think we should cover in Part
4 of "Things That Must Be Destroyed? If so, then stop wasting your
time and Come
talk to us about it in our message forums or
email your suggestions to us! Also, don't forget to
check out some more of our recent "Mini-Mocks" that we've done
by clicking here!
read the older parts 1 and 2 from this series yet? Check them out!
[Things That Must
Be Destroyed - Part 1]
[Things That Must
Be Destroyed - Part 2]
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