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Things That Must Be Destroyed
Part 3
by: -RoG-

It's that time again... time to blow off some steam by attacking some of most idiotic and useless things in existence. So, onward with Things That Must Be Destroyed: Part 3!

The Charmin Bears:
Let's get one thing straight. The last thing I want to see on TV is a commercial about a bear that goes behind a tree to wipe his ass. That's NOT a good way to get me to buy your product. I'm also pretty sure that an ENTIRE PACK of Charmin toilet paper couldn't handle a massive bear shit. Bears are huge, and I imagine their shit is too. You're not selling the toilet paper to the fucking bears, and you're not convincing us that your toilet paper is strong enough to handle a mighty bear shit. So here's a suggestion, Charmin: SHUT UP. REMOVE THOSE ASININE COMMERCIALS FROM TV AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. Why companies feel the need to advertise necessities like toilet paper is beyond me anyway. I just buy the cheapest toilet paper I can find in the store. Why? BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WIPE MY ASS ON IT! I don't need to spend 3 bucks on something that I'm going to WIPE MY ASS on. Idiots...

Joan Rivers:
I'm using a drawing of her rather than a real photo simply because I can't stand to look at her real face. And I use the world "real" loosely, since about 5% of it is still real. People always talk about Michael Jackson's facial modifications, but goddamn, Joan Rivers puts him to shame as far as scary plastic surgery results go. As if that's not bad enough, she's one of the most annoying personalities in existence. I can't believe that people pay her to comment on fashion and make "jokes". She is NOT funny, and if you've seen some of the outfits that she's worn in the past, she's in no place to criticize how others look. And now she's got her brainwashed daughter working with her, following in her footsteps. So Joan Rivers will basically live forever, cuz even after she dies, her daughter will step up to the plate and be just as bad if not worse. And then she'll have a daughter and so on and so forth... the nightmare will never end. Oh, and don't forget ladies... now you to can smell just like an acid facial peel with Joan Rivers new fragrance that Joan calls "Now & Forever".
I shit you not.

Kraft's "It's Pasta Anytime":
When I saw a commercial for this stuff I knew two things right away: 1) It would cost way too much to compete with Ramen Noodles or Spaghetti-O's and 2) It would probably taste like crap. But, I did have a chance to try it for a buck during lunch one day so I figured I'd give it a shot before completely dismissing it. I mean, I've had chocolate spaghetti before, so how bad could this stuff really be? Well, it wasn't as bad as chocolate spaghetti, but not many things are. Still, the spaghetti sauce was absolute shit. A very watered down, weak flavor that had "synthetic crap" written all over it. Furthermore, to my shock there was NO CHEESE! Goddamnit, everybody knows that if you're gonna eat spaghetti or pasta of any kind for that matter, you've gotta have some cheese to sprinkle on it! They didn't include any with it. So am I to believe that KRAFT of all companies didn't have some extra cheese lying around the factory that they could throw in with these meal kits? No, I think I'm just going to believe that they're cheap bastards.
The Listerine Guy:
Dear sweet bastard, how I loathe everything about this guy. If you haven't seen the commercial, it basically chronicles the process of this jackass who is trying to withstand the pain involved with swishing Listerine in your mouth for a minute. The moronic facial expressions he makes as he swishes are almost enough to make me take a sledgehammer to my TV, but what's worse is how stupid the Listerine people think we really are. If you look at his mouth while he's supposedly swishing the Listerine around, it's completely obvious that there's NOTHING in his mouth at all. He's just acting... very, very badly. After he spits it out (which of course they don't show) and his head comes back up, his lips aren't even wet. So what's the message here? Apparently the message is that 1) The Listerine people think we're all idiots who wouldn't notice that the guy isn't swishing anything in his mouth and 2) Listerine is too brutal for anybody to actually keep in their mouth, because if it wasn't, then this guy wouldn't have a problem really doing it for the commercial.
Kelly Osbourne:
Ok, I'm pretty sure everybody has seen "The Osbournes". As funny as Ozzy himself is, I cannot fucking stand his kids. His son is bad enough, but his daughter Kelly just brings out a deep, dark, inner rage that frankly scares me. Because she's Ozzy's lil' girl, not only is she spoiled up the arse, but she now has her own music video. She's "singing" Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach". Her voice? I'd rather listen to a hyena slowly being run over by a steamroller while Richard Simmons sings "The Macarena" in the background. Ooohh Kelly, you're so rebellious singing a song like "Papa Don't Preach" when your dad has given you a fucking dream life. But I'm sure that "punky" look of yours will appeal to many other spoiled, angst-ridden teens and you'll sell plenty of records anyway because kids can be completely fucking stupid like that. They'll completely ignore the fact that you were listening to Hanson and N*Sync not too long ago (and probably still do). Ozzy, when you're done stuttering, I suggest discussing the option of euthanasia with your daughter. Actually, it's not an option. Just kill her and we'll still buy your records and watch your show. Deal?
Cute Animal Posters:
I've always despised these things. They rank right up there with those typical office motivational posters, only these ones include the wretched element of "cuteness" with their message. I can't even begin to count how many variations of the "Hang In There!" poster I've seen. It's always some poor helpless animal that was obviously forced by the photographer to cling for their lives onto a tree branch or something. Isn't that the kind of crap the animal rights people are supposed to be protecting the animals from? I guess not. Actually, those frogs are kinda cute... Haha, look at the lil' fella just hangin' on there! You can do it lil' fella! Don't let go! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH@#(%*@#%@#%(*$**!%!!!! YOU SEE THAT!?!? LOOK WHAT IT'S DOING TO ME!!! DESTROY THESE POSTERS THEY'RE PURE EVIL!!!!
The Verizon Wireless Commercials:
As if the Carrot Top 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials aren't horrible enough, along come the Verizon wireless commercials in which they're trying to convince us that they're doing everything they can to give people the best reception on their cell phones. That's fine Verizon, thanks for letting us know... but did you really have to make an entire SERIES of commercials about it? If I see that fucking "Can you hear me now?" guy one more time, I'm going to put a megaphone up to his ear and say "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU!!!!!!!! NOW WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE!?!?" This actually brings up another question: who the hell is he talking to on the other end of the line? That has to be the most horrible job on earth. Just imagine it... listening to a guy go "Can you hear me now?" all day long. I'd sooner take a job where my duty was to lick the booths clean at a local peep show joint rather than listen to that asshole all day long.
Mrs. Fields Cookies:
Now the reason I want these cookies to be destroyed isn't because they taste like crap. No, no, no! It's because they taste too goddamned GOOD! I recently got to try some of these tasty chocolate chip cookies and I could not stop eating them. I was hooked on 'em completely. But when I go to the store to buy them I find out that they cost 3-4 bux just for 8 measly cookies. EIGHT! I hate it when good food is way overpriced to the point where I can't buy it. I mean, I could buy it, but who the hell could live with themselves if they spent 4 bux on 8 measly cookies? Not I. Fuck you, Mrs. Fields, and your addictive, overpriced, bastard cookies of doom!


NO CONTEST

Pokémon Cards:
I've never been a big fan of Pokémon myself, but I guess I can see how kids could like 'em. But still, I can't help but think that kids today are being completely cheated when the collecting cards they have to choose from are ones of steroid-using superstars, Magic: The Gathering, or friggin' Pokémon. Where are the "Garbage Pail Kids" and "Wacky Packages", filled with twisted sticker-cards today? They're on eBay, that's where. You ask a lil' kid if he likes Garbage Pail Kids and a look of confusion will come over his face. He won't know what the hell you're talking about. And it's all because Pokémon cards are selling and nobody has had the foresight to bring back the Garbage Pail Kids. And another thing... Garbage Pail Kids? 50 cents a pack. Pokémon? I've seen 'em go from 5 - 10 bucks depending on what kind of pack you buy. I could buy a whole BOX of Garbage Pail Kids cards back in the day for that much.
Checks:
Honestly, do we really need checks anymore? It's a pain in the ass to pay bills that way, because you have to fill out the check and buy for stamps to mail it out. Also, if your handwriting is as bad as mine, chances are you have worries that the billing department might interpret your crude writing incorrectly and all of a sudden you're $10,000 in debt. And finally, more and more people are paying their bills over the phone or online via credit card. So really, let's all just save our checks for one of those days when we're running low on toilet paper (see Charmin? We can even use checks!). Works for me.
"Girl Don't..." Lyricists:
If there's one thing the music industry could do without (besides bands that don't know when to call it quits), it's "artists" that constantly write lyrics that involve the infamous "girl don't [insert verb here]" phrase. You know what I'm talking about. Bullshit like "Girl don't go" or "Girl don't cry" or "Girl don't eat" or "Girl don't come to my house with a semi-automatic weapon because I'm a fucking moron that can't just say your actual goddamned name just once in my amazingly uncreative, shitty song."
Early Bidders on eBay:
What the fuck is wrong with you people? I know you're excited about the crap you're bidding on, but it's completely asinine to bid on something when there's 5 days left on the auction. The only thing you're accomplishing by bidding that early is hiking up the final selling price. Tell you what, since you obviously want to pay more for anything you buy, go ahead and make a list of everything you want. Then send that list to me, I'll get all of it for you and then charge you 5 times as much for it. You'll get everything you want and I'll retire young. Sound good? Jackass...
The Dell Kid:
Now I know this one is an obvious choice, but even so, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let this bastard off the hook. How many times a day must we hear, "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!"? Listen asshole, I'm not getting a Dell. I can build a much better custom PC computer for less, and even if I couldn't, I still wouldn't buy a Dell. Why? Because there's a remote chance that my buying their computers would make them think that this stupid ad campaign of theirs was actually a good idea.
Pat Robertson:
Somebody beat this man. Somebody beat this man with a stick. Somebody beat him with a big gay stick that makes him gay. A big gay stick that makes him become so gay that he will become president of "Big Gay Stick, Inc." and he'll sell the said sticks to other people who want to beat somebody until they become gay. And then those people will return the big gay sticks to Pat because they realized that there isn't anybody else on earth who has said as much stupid ignorant shit about homosexuals as him.
Crown Theatre's Movie Intro Animation:
Anybody who has been to a Crown movie theatre (or any movie theatre really) has seen the crappy intro animations that appear before the movie. They tell you not to talk, not to smoke, and to throw your trash away in the proper receptacle. And while they're telling you all that, you're telling yourself, "Why the fuck am I being told all of this while they show me 3D animation that looks like it was created over 20 years ago?" Crown Theatres in particular have a really bad intro that features a lion wearing, you guessed it... a crown! He dances along while the world's most horrible theme song plays in the background: "I keep working my way back to you Crown! You Crown! YOU CROWN!" Mark my words, these horrible movie intro animations will soon meet their demise. And the demise will involve a large steel drum filled with every remaining reel of film that contains these crappy intros. We will all then take turns pissing in this drum, and once it is filled, it will be sealed and then tossed into an active volcano.

Kinko's:
"Open 24 Hours" my ass. Half of the Kinko's around here close way too early even though they're supposed to be open 24 hours. There's a Kinko's in Norwalk, CT that has a huge fancy sign that obviously cost hundreds of dollars to make that says "KINKO'S - OPEN 24 HOURS". But when you walk up to the door, it states that this particular branch is only open until about 10pm each day. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Am I really supposed to trust these idiots with my printing needs? No. And you can't even go in there and do the prints yourself on their computers without spending a fortune. Why? Because they use computers that are so slow that it takes forever just to load up even the most basic print job. And of course, the more time you spend on the computers, the more money you have to pay. I'd be willing to bet money that they do everything in their power to make those computers slower on purpose. Money-grubbing assholes.
Go-Gurt:
I'm not exactly sure what it is about a product like Go-Gurt that makes me feel it is inherently wrong. All I know is that this shit is disturbing. Yogurt alone is something I tend to stay away from. But when you put yogurt in a squeezable pouch, the combination is like a tool of Satan. Then again, this is coming from a guy who just the other day saw blue french fries in the frozen foods section and was determined to try them. I guess we've all got our little things that we prefer to steer clear of. For some people it's feet, for others it's porcupines... for me it's Go-Gurt.
Anna Nicole:
It's not bad enough that she's getting more money than most small countries have from an old dead guy who was so far gone that he actually thought she was beautiful enough to be worth that much money. It's not bad enough that all that money won't be given to charities or good causes, but instead to the official Anna Nicole, "How many bon-bon's will I have to shove down my fucking throat during one sitting in order to make my ass 5 feet wider?" foundation. Nope, now they're giving this drugged out, ugly beast a "Reality TV" show of her own. If you don't have the urge to drive to California and harpoon the whale woman from hell after watching 1 minute of her shitty show, then get the hell off my site. You don't belong here. And while we're on the subject of the show; who the hell drew that cartoon version of her? That's pretty much the EXACT opposite of how she's looking these days. You know, I've seen some people that were completely gone in my day, but Anna takes the cake. And that cake has obviously been digested and turned into even more body fat.
Everquest:
This game needs to be destroyed not only because there are a million better games out there, but it also brings out the inner
ϋber-geek in some people. And this time, I don't mean ϋber-geek in a good way. Myself and other people I know have lost friends for a while to this stupid game. We wouldn't hear from them for months while rumors of their playing this game 24/7 continued to circulate. I even heard that one guy was so addicted to the game that he didn't want to get up and piss. So what did he do? He grabbed a nearby 7-11 Big Gulp cup and pissed in it so that he wouldn't miss out on 30 seconds of game play. Ok, so maybe it's not the game itself that needs to be destroyed, but instead we kill any loser who refuses to use a restroom.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers:
I just want them to shut up. I was never a big fan of the band to begin with, but now they must be destroyed. Why? Because, in a recent interview with Q magazine, guitarist John Frusciante, spoke the following of the Twin Towers tragedy: "During the making of this record we had the catastrophe at the Empire State Building and we just kept on writing." That's right folks, he said the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. So either a bunch of puppies and kittens were secretly murdered in the basement of the Empire State Building on the same day as the Twin Towers tragedy, or John is a complete idiot. Yo Keith Richards, it looks like you've finally met your match.

So there you have it. This concludes Part 3 of "Things That Must Be Destroyed". Keep a look out for Part 4 sometime in the future. Is there something that YOU think we should cover in Part 4 of "Things That Must Be Destroyed? If so, then stop wasting your time and Come talk to us about it in our message forums or email your suggestions to us! Also, don't forget to check out some more of our recent "Mini-Mocks" that we've done by clicking here!

Didn't read the older parts 1 and 2 from this series yet? Check them out!
[Things That Must Be Destroyed - Part 1]
[Things That Must Be Destroyed - Part 2]


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